


The longest distance

by tay_tay19



Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Multiverse, Parallel Universes, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Skype, Sort of happy ending, string theory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-03-14 08:36:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 76,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3404114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tay_tay19/pseuds/tay_tay19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon is the love of young Ryan's life. After receiving a mysterious phone in the mail with nothing but Brendon's email the two boys quickly became friends and then boyfriends. The only problem is that after ten years of failed attempts at meeting the time finally comes and the two young boys travel across the country in order to finally be together, or at least... that was how it was supposed to happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Broken Arrow

=Broken Arrow, Oklahoma=  
-Ryan Ross, age 27-

  
          He’s late, how could he be late? Maybe he got caught in traffic or got lost. I told him to study the directions just in case his gps sent him the wrong way. He’s always been bad with directions, I had just hoped it would be different this time. I’m tempted to call him but I know he hates being on his phone when he’s in the car. I shouldn’t be so worried, he’s only five minutes late after all.  
I know why I am though. This meeting is ten years over do. Ten years of waiting. I love him with all my heart and the fact that I’m just seconds away from finally, finally holding him in my arms. Finally kissing him. I take my phone out of my pocket and turn the camera on checking my hair for the hundredth time in the last half hour. I think my eyeliner needs a bit of a touch up but if I start now he might show up while I’m in the middle. Ugh, why can’t he just show up.

  
          I stand up from the bench that I’ve claimed for a while now and start to pace back and forth. I was almost a whole hour early. Maybe I’m more excited than him, maybe this was all just a big joke to him. What if he catfished me? He could be some gross fat fifty year old. No, no I’m being ridiculous. We’ve spoken on skype almost every day since it became a thing. I need to calm down and think rationally. He really loves me. He was the one to say it first. I smile to myself as I think of a way to calm myself down. Taking my seat once again I unlock my phone and open the video he sent me on my twenty first birthday.

 **_“George Ryan Ross the third" He grins into the camera as he says my full name. “How does it feel to be twenty one? Hey you can finally check into hotel’s on your own so you can’t use that as an excuse to not see me.” He looks away from the camera then, he’s got a thoughtful look on his face as he chews his bottom lip. “We are going to meet soon right? God Ryan I want to see you. I want to hold you. I want to kiss you and touch you. I want to know how your skin tastes.” His cheeks flush and he looks back at the camera. Look I know you told me you don’t want me to make a big deal out of your birthday but I kind of put something together for you and I sent you a package. If it got there before your birthday and you already opened it without telling me I’m going to kick your skinny butt.” He picks his camera up off the desk It was sitting on and roll his chair over to the piano on the other side of the room. He puts the camera down and angles it towards himself._ **  
**_“I know that song writing is your way of expressing your feelings and since I have yet to convince you to sing them for me. I kinda… thought maybe I’d give it a shot.” He looks from the keys to the camera and his eyes are filled with emotion. “I understand what the words mean to you Ryan.” And then he starts, the music flowing from the piano keys as his beautiful voice fills the air._ **

**_“When the moon fell in love with the sun_ **  
**_All was golden in the sky_ **  
**_All was golden when the day met the night_ **  
**_When the sun found the moon_ **  
**_She was drinking tea in a garden_ **  
**_Under the green umbrella trees_ **  
**_In the middle of summer_ **  
**_When the moon found the sun_ **  
**_He looked like he was barely hanging on_ **  
**_But her eyes saved his life_ **  
**_In the middle of summer (summer)_ **  
**_In the middle of summer_ **  
**_All was golden in the sky_ **  
**_All was golden when the day met the night_ **  
**_Summer (summer)_ **  
**_All was golden in the sky_ **  
**_All was golden when the day met the night_ **  
**_Summer, summer, summer, summer_ **  
**_All was golden when the day met the night_ **  
**_So he said, "Would it be all right_ **  
**_If we just sat and talked for a little while_ **  
**_If in exchange for your time_ **  
**_I give you this smile?"_ **  
**_So she said, "That's okay_ **  
**_As long as you can make a promise_ **  
**_Not to break my little heart_ **  
**_Or leave me all alone in the summer."_ **  
**_Well he was just hanging around_ **  
**_Then he fell in love_ **  
**_And he didn't know how_ **  
**_But he couldn't get out_ **  
**_Just hanging around_ **  
**_Then he fell in love_ **  
**_In the middle of summer_ **  
**_All was golden in the sky_ **  
**_All was golden when the day met the night_ **

  
**_“I hope you have an amazing birthday Ryan. Tell Spenser I’m expecting him to keep an eye on you tonight. You’re an amazing, funny, sweet, and sexy man. I… god I really wanted to say this face to face but it’s been way to long. I love you Ryan. You’re so amazing. I love you.” He blows a kiss and then turns the camera off._ **

  
          I look up from my phone my heart feels as those its swelling. It’s been six years and five months since that day. Not a day has gone by since that we haven’t spoken those words to each other. No matter how hard we tried to meet it seems that fate has always gotten between us. Cancelled flights, bad weather, family emergencies. I was scared that I would never have this chance. That I would meet him. I will sit on this bench for the rest of my life if it means that I’ll see him. The skype ringtone plays from my phone and fills me with excitement and worry all at the same time. I look at the screen and see that sure enough it’s him calling me. I press accept and hold the phone up in front of me.

          “You’re late” I tell him with a pout on my face when my camera’s turned on.

     
          “Late? I’m not late. I got here like six hours ago Ry.” He says with a huge smile on his face that makes my heart skip a beat.

  
          “You’re here?” I say standing up and looking around. I can’t see him anywhere but the park is big. Maybe we should have chosen somewhere else to meet.

  
          “Yeah are you?”

  
         “For about an hour now.”

  
          “Are you telling me I could have been kissing you for an hour now? Where in the park are you?”

  
          “On a bench… I’m not sure where. You are in Broken Arrow right?”

  
          “Of course. Exactly halfway between my house and yours. Do you see hear a fountain?”

  
          “Yeah I hear it” I tell him looking around the park and figuring the direction its coming from.

  
          “Last one there is a rotten egg” His face disappears from my screen as he hurries to the fountain. I smile and walk to it trying to calm my nerves. We’re finally going to meet. I reach the fountain and my eyes scan the area excitedly, but I’m the only one here.

  
          “Did you find it Ryan?” He asks. I hold my phone up in front of me and before I can speak I see it behind him, the fountain. But it’s not possible. It’s the same fountain that I stand in front of now but I’m the only one here.


	2. April 2004

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An introduction of our main characters and their vastly different lives.

 

 

=New York, New York= 

-Ryan Ross, age 17- 

It's pouring rain outside. I don't even have to get out of bed to know that as I can hear the water dripping into the bucket in my closet. The leak has always been there so I've grown used to the sound. I wrap myself up in my blankets and wonder if I can get away with calling in sick. I lost my umbrella the last time it rained and I'm not that keen on the idea of working in soaking wet clothes for hours. It would suck to get pneumonia or something while I have no medical insurance.  It doesn't matter anyway I don't have my own phone and George would question why I wanted to use his. He'd throw me out on the streets if he found out I couldn't contribute to his alcoholism anymore. 

Knowing its hopeless I manage to pull myself from the warm recesses of my blankets and pad down the hallway, the tile floors freezing my feet as I make my ways into the bathroom. Winter has hit us early this year, but so far its just emptied buckets and buckets of ice cold water onto the city and then freezing it over night. I can't complain though. Even my fathers had to admit defeat and replace the heater so I'm not freezing to death anymore.  

In the bathroom I turn on the shower and wrap my arms around myself to keep warm as I wait for the water to warm up even just the smallest bit. Soon I'm going to have to give up on showering at home I'm sure. This month we chose to pay the gas bill instead of the electricity. It's not to bad really but George keeps stumbling and hurting himself in the dark, the copious amount of alcohol in his system has nothing to do with it of course. I'll have to see if Spenser will lend me a key to his place and so I can slip in and shower in the mornings. I know his mom wont mind, she's always been so sweet to me, treating me like a son. Its always refreshing over there. I never get much affection from my own father and my mother ran off when I was just three years old. My Nanna said it was because she was afraid of my dad, I've always wondered why she would leave me with him.

When the bathroom starts to fog up with steam from the shower I strip off my clothes and step under the scalding hot water. I don't look in the mirror, I never look in the mirror. I already know what I'll see, and underweight teenager with bags under my eyes and bad skin. I'll see the scars across my lower back from all the belts that missed their marks. but the worst part... the worst part is always my eyes, they look so empty like there's nothing left inside me. It's probably true. I've stopped caring about most things. I wont ever be anything in life, why spend hours sitting at a desk when I can be out working and paying to keep the barely intact roof over my head. George made sure I dropped out as soon as I turned sixteen and got me a job working at a grungy diner for three dollars an hour. Its an okay job when I think about it. There's no record of how much I make in tips, I learned right away to hide some of it for when George decides his beer is more important than having food in the house, and of course there's the money I hid at Spenser's house. I guess a small part of me isn't ready to admit complete defeat. I've been saving up money to get out of this place. It'll happen one day, if I'm lucky.

The water goes from scalding to in just a matter of minutes, I haven't even had time to wash my hair. Leaving it greasy for one more day wont hurt I guess. I get out of the water and pull my sweat pants and sweater back on without drying off. I haven't had time to do any laundry and I'd feel dirty again if I even touched the towels that lay in a heap besides the shower. A flash of lightening lights up the bathroom and just for a second I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I leave the room in a hurry nearly slipping in the hallway. My reflection makes me sick. Back in my room I dry off as best as I can with my  tshirt  before dressing in my uniform and the oversized black hoodie that Spenser gave me when he saw how small all of mine were on me. I grab my flashlight from my nightstand and use it to look at the time on my watch, I'm fifteen minutes late already and in weather like this I should have left early. I pull on my sneakers and tie tuck the laces in before hurrying out the door and running to work.

 

 

=Santa  Ana , California=

-Brendon  Urie , age 16-

"Brendon  Urie ?"

"Present Professor" I called from my desk. I'm half asleep but even I know better than to not answer when the teacher is calling roll. I tug at my uniform tie as she reads off the last few names on the class list wishing that the day would already be over. I'm not particularly religious but my family is, so I'm stuck at the worlds most uptight school in the world. 'A good catholic schooling is just what he needs' is what our priest told my parents when they asked what to do with their problem child. Personally I think they all need to take the sticks out of their asses and relax a bit. It's not like I really got into that much trouble. If you don't count the incident, which I don't.

My parents completely overreacted to the whole thing and shipped me off the a Catholic boarding school in an attempt to straighten me out. Which always makes me laugh because to be completely honest there is nothing straight about me. Except my hair most of the time. The day is always rather dull. Since I started here nothing exciting has happened. I stick mostly to my self and do what I can to stay out of trouble. My roommate Andy says that they actually use a paddle on students here and there is no way I'm going to get spanked at sixteen years old. 

When classes end the teachers dismiss us. Most of the kids head straight for the dining hall knowing most of the good food will disappear fast. I don't bother with it. I've got some snacks stashed away in my room that we bought the last time we snuck into town. We're both vegetarian and the school doesn't really cater to our special diets. I've lost like six pounds since I got here two months ago. Which isn't a lot but I was underweight to begin with. 

Ignoring the mob of kids moving in the direction of dinner I make my way to the computer lab in order to get a head start on my semester project for history class. What kind of school gives a history project that takes an entire semester to complete. It's ridiculous if you ask me. I sign into the lab and sit at a computer in the back corner where the teacher in charge can't see my screen. The school has some program installed to keep the students off 'inappropriate' sites. But obviously everyone in school figured out how to bypass it. 

I've always been really into music and I'd love to one day make a career out of it. I don't have much experience with it outside of church choir though. My parents don't think it's practical and it makes me a little mad because I know my dad used to play guitar. He had them in the house when I was a kid. I always sort of wondered what had made him change. My parents had always seemed so kind and loving when I was a little kid. They let me do whatever made me happy and we used to take family trips every weekend. It's like on my tenth birthday someone flipped a switch in their brains. Suddenly my dad's records and guitars were locked up in the attic and the weekends were spent in church. Sometimes I wonder if I just created fake memories of my childhood or something. I'll probably need therapy when older. I check my usual social media sites and just barely scan over some Wikipedia articles about random events in history. I have weeks to finish this project but I'll probably not even actually start it until like a week before it's due.

The teacher dozes off after about an hour and I know for sure that it's safe to do whatever I want. I print a few pages of guitar chords and slip them into my backpack for later. I'm teaching myself how to play and even though I'm not sure how to play them yet I like to collect as much music as I can. One day I'm going to be able to play them all. Preferably on a big stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people all screaming my name. I open up a my usual chat group and spend the next couple of hours discussing music and whatever other random subjects we come up with. Online at least I feel like I can be myself. My parents can't see me there. They can't punish me for being what I am there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its so short and please let me know if there are any typos that I missed. I typed most of it with my phone and didn't have time to get it all edited.


	3. Email #1 -April 2004-

=New York, New York=  
-Ryan Ross, 17-

   

        "What the hell did you spend my money on your son of a bitch!" Is all I hear as I step into the house. The strange package I found on the porch in my hands. I'm guessing he saw it already but couldn't be bothered to bring it inside. It's really weird, we never get mail here except for bills and there's never actually been anything addressed to me. I don't think anyone even knows I live here really, well except social services. They like to pop in every now and then. Somehow my dad always knows when they're going to come and has me clean the house the day before.     

        "Good to see you too George" I say sarcastically. I don't think I've ever called him dad before. For as long as I can remember he's been George. It makes sense though he's never been much of a father, more like an annoying drunk roommate. So I've always called him George, to his face at least, behind his back I like to call him Satan. He should be locked up for life just for existing. I'm sure he wants to get his greedy paws on my package (that sounds more gross then it was supposed to) so I hurry to my room and lock the door before he can say anything else to me. The less I interact with him the easier my life is.  

        The package is a small white box and it’s not really that heavy, I really have no idea what it could be and there is no return address or anything. I take my house key out and use it to break the tape. I'm a little nervous about opening it, what if it's a bomb or arsenic or something!? Okay so I'm sure arsenic probably doesn't have any real weight but still... Just to be on the safe side I hold my breath as I pull the flaps open ready to toss it if it’s something dangerous (or gross, it wouldn't be the first time someone left dog shit on our porch.)   

        When nothing happens I let out a sigh of relief. I really need to stop being so paranoid about everything. I turn the box over and shake the contents out onto my bed. A silver blackberry phone falls onto my bed followed by a charger. I check inside the box to see if the note is stuck there's nothing left. Maybe it got sent to the wrong Ryan Ross? I wonder if maybe Spenser and his mom sent it to me, he's constantly complaining that he can't get in touch with me and he can't really come to the house to check on me. George isn't that big on visitors. So if Spenser needs to get in touch with me he has to come knock on my window when he's sure George is passed out.   

        George isn't really a people person at all actually. I know when I was younger he was worried social services would take me away. Not that he was actually all that concerned about keeping me around. If he could have gotten rid of me and kept the monthly checks from the state he would have.  

        I press the power button on the phone and am really kind of surprised when it actually turns on with a full battery. It would have taken me forever to find a place to charge it. I was hoping to find some sort of clue about its origin but there’s nothing in it except for a single email address.  This is really weird and I’m still kind of convinced this thing is going to blow up on me so I drop it into the drawer on my nightstand before getting up and getting ready for bed. I feel gross after working all day but at this point I’m much too exhausted to do anything about it and fall back into my bed, falling asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.  

***  

        Knock knock, knock knock, the incessant sound wakes me from my deep slumber and I let out a groan as I roll onto my back trying to blink the sleep from my eyes. Its pitch dark and I’m pretty sure it’s got to be after midnight. That means there’s only one person who could be knocking on my window. Not that I really know many people. I stumble to the window and peer out. As I expected I’m greeted by Spenser’s grinning face pressed against the glass. I roll my eyes at him and motion for him to move back so I can pry the window open a crack.  

        “Come outside.” He tells me.  

        “Can I put on clothes first?”    

        “Hmm I don’t know I think your neighbors would love an excuse to have you guys thrown out” He muses.  

        “Have you met my neighbors? They’re just as bad as us. No one else would live in this shithole.”  

        “You have fifteen minutes to get out here. No stopping to do your hair. I need a cheese burger fix.”  

        “Are you serious?”    

        “Come on Ross the night is young”  

          “Go crawl in a ditch” I mutter as I grab some clothes from my closet. I don’t really mean it. I’d be lost without him. I go to my door and listen for a moment. It’s dead quiet so I know that George has either gone out or he’s passed out somewhere in the house. I do my best to stay quiet as I get dressed just on the off chance that he is home. I learned the hard way that he does not like to be woken up.  

        “Huuurrrryyyy” Spenser hisses through the crack. I wave him off even though I’m not sure he can see me and make my way out of the apartment with my shoes in hand, I’ve made it half way down the hall when on a whim I decide to go back and get the blackberry from the drawer. I don’t know to much about these things and I wonder if maybe Spenser knows how to find more information on the phone. I make it outside surprisingly easy despite the darkness but I nearly run into Spenser who’s now appeared on the porch.   

        “Jesus Spence you scared me.” I scold him as I close the door and lock it behind me.  

        “Sorry. Come on hurry and put your shoes on.” I sit down on the steps and slip my feet into my beat up old converse and tie them. They’re kind of falling apart but if I buy new ones my dad might notice and get mad at me. He might wonder where I got the money from since I supposedly give him all of it.  

        “Is anything open this late?” 

        “Ryan we have been over this at least twice a week since we were ten.” 

        “Darn I was hoping you would forget.” 

        “Moonie’s Dinner is the best place in the world. I could never forget it. I’m gonna be one of those old guys that goes in every morning and eats the same breakfast there. I’ll probably die in one of their booths” 

        “Dude that’s so morbid.” 

        “Your face is morbid.” 

        “You’re rude” I tell him standing up. We begin to make our way down the street to Moonie’s. The dinner has been around much longer than either of us. The owners are an old couple that has been together since they were nineteen years old. They’re the cutest old couple I’ve ever met. They’re constantly complementing and flirting with each other and they’ve got all these crazy stories about their youth. When me and Spenser were ten we decided to try sneaking out during a sleepover. We wandered a streets for a bit and it seemed as though just when we got hungry Moonie’s appeared. The atmosphere is great, it’s comfortable and friendly. If I could work here I wouldn’t mind the long hours, but unfortunately they think finishing school is important. 

        Spenser and I sit in the exact same booth we sat in the first time we came here and where we’ve sat every time since. Neither of us needs to look at the menu, we’ve memorized the whole think and tried everything on it at least once. I usually get breakfast foods, French toast or pancakes. Spenser gets a huge burger with everything on it.  

        We sit in our booth for quite some time eating our food and chatting about random topics, I let him rant on and on about his classes and complain about his teachers and classmates. I try to act interested and hide that it bothers me, honestly I want to go back to school. I want to learn and I want to go to college. I think that’s what I’m saving my money for. One day I’m going to get free of my dad. I’m going to get my ged and I’m going to go to college. I don’t know what I want to be but I won’t give up. I’m going to be someone one day. 

        Spenser’s phone chirps after we’ve been there for a while and it reminds me of the phone sitting in my own pocket. While he’s distracted by his I take it out and turn it back on. Maybe he’ll be able to figure out where this thing came from.  

        “Hey Smith?"

        "What Ross?"

        "How does this thing work?" I ask him placing the phone on the table. His eyes widen a bit and he picks it up examining it.

        "Where did you get this? It looks really cool." he asks. He's always been excited about gadgets, I don't really get it.

        "I don't know someone sent it to me."

        "Seriously? You are so lucky. I've been begging mom to get me one. Hopefully for my birthday." He holds the phone with both hands as he messes with it. I try to stiffle a yawn as I watch him and try not to think about going back to work at noon.

        "Is there anything on it? There was no return address or anything on the box. Not even a note. I almost thought it was going to blow up on me."

        "You need to stop watching action movies, dork. Maybe there's something in the address book." I watch him closely seeing the reflection of the screen in his eyes. "There's just an email. Did you send anything to it?"

        "No. You know I don't have a computer."

        "Dude you can send emails from this phone."

        "I can?"

        "I'm resisting the urge to slap you upside the head right now."

        "Sorry I'm not as tech savy as you kids these days" I say in my best old man voice. Spenser laughs and moves to sit beside me so I can see the phone screen.

        "Watch, You just go to this picture of the envelope here and select it, then you find the email address and start typing." He brings everything up before handing it back to me. 

        "What should I say?"

        "Whatever you want. You could say thanks for the phone. This is probably the guy that sent the phone."

        "But I don't know the email. Why would they send a phone to a complete stranger?"

        "Don't lick a gift horse in the mouth"

        "That is so not how the saying goes."

        "Whatever its like three in the morning."

        "Don't remind me."

        "Hurry up and type something Ryro or I'll type it for you."

        "Alright alright geez talk about pressure." I stare at the small device in my hands and try to think of what to put. Should I be suspicious? I mean someone I don't know sent me a probably expensive phone. What if they want something in return. Though it is nice to have the phone, I mean now I can get in touch with spenser and my work. But will I have to pay the bill myself? That might be hard. I chew my lip as I mull it over and finally decide on what I'm going to put.

**Email #1**

**From: blinkexists@aol.com              at 3:42am 04/16/04**  
**To: bdenboyU@aol.com**

**Subject: Um, Hi?**

_**Hi, I'm Ryan. Who is this?** _

        "See now was that so hard?" Spenser asks, playfully nudging my shoulder. I just shake my head and smile at him. He grins and grabs his own fork before shoveling the rest of my eggs into his mouth. I look at the phone nervously waiting for a response. Which I probably shouldn't expect any time soon given the late hour, but still, something about this phone was now filling me with excitement.


	4. Video call #2364 -June 2015-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Haha I'm finally ahead of schedule on my writing again so I figured I'd put this chapter up a day early to make up for being late last week. I hope you all are enjoying this story. I've got a lot more planned for it! ******

 =Broken Arrow, Oklahoma=

-Ryan Ross, age 27-

        "I don't understand" Brendon whispers. I can just barely hear it through the phone. It's dark out now and I'm sitting on the edge of the fountain. There's no explanation for what's going on. They're in the exact same place. They are both literally sitting on the same part of the fountain so why aren't they together. Why can't they see each other. I can feel the tears pricking at the back of my eyes and I don't want to let them out but I know I'm not going to have a choice.

        "It's not fair..." I whisper. "It's not fair why can't we be together. Why..."

        "Hey... Hey don't cry Ryan. Don't you dare cry... Not when I can't wipe your tears away... you know I hate that." He says softly.

        "I'm sorry..." 

        "We'll figure this out Ryan okay... I mean... How can something like this even be possible?"

        "I don't know... It's not fair." tears begin to run down my face and I can see the concern in Brendon's eyes. I've known this man for ten years. I've loved him for nine. How is it possible... that after all this time we didn't notice something was wrong. 

        "What date is it there?" Brendon asks.

        "March 25th 2015" I tell him.

        "Same here... 3:27 pm?" 

        "Yeah..."

        "Ugh what the fuck is happening!" the tears start to fall faster and I try to stop myself from sobbing. I must look so pathetic... A grown man sitting in public crying. I can't stay here. I can't keep being reminded of the fact that I will never be kissed by the man I love. But how can I accept that? How can I just give up on everything we have together. Everything we could have had. 

        "I... I need to go to the hotel" I tell him. I'd made the reservations. We were going to spend a week in a nice hotel. I was going to be with him for the first time. I've waited so long. It's not fair that we got so close just to have it all torn away from us again. Maybe my father was right. Maybe I'm nothing but scum. I'm not meant to be happy. I'm not meant to be loved.

        "Ryan stop it right now." Brendon scolds, his voice stern.

        "H...Huh?"

        "I know that look. I've seen it to many times. I love you. I love you with all of my heart and I will do anything and everything in my power to be with you. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be taken care of and I'm going to do that. So don't you ever believe a word that he said to you. God you're so perfect I don't even know how you can't see it." He says all of this with a beaming smile on his face and its so infectious I can't help but smile back. He's always telling me how perfect I am, how lucky he is to have me. But I'm the lucky one. This beautiful man is my boyfriend.

        "Go to the hotel okay love. Tell me the room number they give you and I'll try and get the same one here."

        "Why..? What's the point?"

        "Because Ryan even if I can't physically be with you I want to be as close to you as possible. I want to sleep in the same bed as you. Shower in the same shower." He wiggles his eyebrows and I can't help but laugh a little. He's always had a way of making me laugh no matter what kind of mood I'm in. "You brought your waterproof case didn't you?" He asks. 

        "Ugh yes you pervert." I tease him. He just grins and blows me a kiss. 

        "Love you too Ry." 

        "Love you more."

        "You would explode if you loved me more than I loved you. It is a shit ton of love. If you cut me open all the love would just spill out and everyone would love you."

        "I have no idea what you're talking about."

        "Me neither. I had a lot of coffee while I was waiting and I don't think my heart should be beating this fast." I take a deep breath and try to calm myself as he talks for a few more minutes about his love of coffee and how it makes the world go round. It feels so natural to be talking to him like this. Maybe it will be like this the rest of our lives. Maybe I wont ever be able to feel his lips on mine or sleep in his arms. Maybe I wont ever run my fingers through his hair or know how he smells. (even though I bought the cologne and body wash he told me he uses its just not the same.) I'll never marry him and we'll never make love. But at least I know that he will always love me. He'll always be there for me. That means more to me than anything else. He'll drop everything to answer the phone for me. Not once has he ever missed a call. 

        I don't know what is happening, or even how it's possible, but I know that he wont ever stop trying. I know that we were meant to be together. That's why I got that first phone. That's why a newer one appears every few years. Because somehow some way Brendon is my soul mate. My one true love. 

        He talks until he's sure I'm calm enough to drive and then makes me promise to call him back as soon as I get into the hotel room. It's hard but I finally end the call as I get to my car and get into the passenger seat heading to the hotel. I'm still really confused by all this. We're in the same place at the same time, so why aren't we together?


	5. Chapter 5: email #2-5

=New York, New York=

-Ryan Ross, Age 17-

**Email # 2**

**From: Bdenboyu@aol.com**    
**To: Blinkexists@aol.com  
**

**Subject: Re Um, Hi?**  

 **Hellooooo, I'm Brendon. Who is this???**  

I stared at the blackberry in his hand for quite some time. When I woke up this morning I didn't expect to actually have a new email. I'd given the number to Spenser the night before and had been receiving messages from him on and off throughout the night. Whoever this Brendon guy is he doesn't seem to know me. Is it possible that he had nothing to do with sending me the phone? But then why would his email address be in it. It just doesn't make any sense.  

I sat in my bed for a while not quite ready to get up and start my day yet and thought carefully of what I would say to this stranger. I'm not really that good with people in real life or on the internet. I mean the only person I ever have real conversations with is Spenser and half the time I'm pretty sure he doesn't understand what I'm saying. Then again he always seems to know exactly how to respond even when I can't think of how to properly put the sentence together. He definitely understands me more than I understand myself. 

**Email # 3**

**From: Blinkexists@aol.com**    
**To: BdenboyU@aol.com**[ **  
**](mailto:Bdenboyu@aol.com)

**Subject: no subject.**  

 **Sorry. You're probably wondering why some random guy emailed you. This is going to sound weird but I came home the other day and someone had sent me a brand new blackberry and there was no note or anything with it. But your email address was saved in it. You didn't have anything to do with it did you? Probably not. I don't think I know anyone named Brendon.**  

I was about to put the phone down and start getting ready for the day when suddenly the phone chimed. He must have been checking his email right when I sent it because already I had a response from him. 

**Email # 4**

**From: Bdenboyu@aol.com**  
**To: Blinkexists@aol.com**[ **  
**](mailto:Blinkexists@Aol.com)

**Subject: no subject**  

 **Hey that's sweet! I'd love a blackberry. I have to use my school's computers and they suck. I didn't send it to you. Maybe they spelled the email wrong and put mine instead?? You still didn't tell me you name by the way. I expect a full report when I get out of class. I want your name your age and... Hmm How many fingers you have? I don't know. But I'm always up for making new friends. You can never have too many friends right!?**  

I'm not really sure how to reply to his email. He seems really friendly, and he said he was using his schools computers so he can't be that old. Spenser warned me last night about falling for trick online. He told me never to give out to much information and never agree to meet up with anyone I met there. But it would be okay to talk to this Brendon fellow right? Maybe he's right. Maybe I need more friends. I love Spenser to death but I'm sure he gets tired of having to put up with me constantly.  

Since he said after class I assume that he won’t be able to read any email I send right away so instead I get out of bed and make my way to the kitchen. George is still passed out in his room so thankfully I don't have to put up with him bothering me as I pour some lucky charms into a bowl. I don't even bother checking the fridge for milk I just bring my bowl back to my room and lay down on the bed popping a few pieces of cereal into my mouth every now and then. It's really stale but it’s better than nothing and even with our early morning food run I'm still really hungry. I might see if I can convince Spenser to bring me some food on his lunch break from class. He's a senior this year so he's allowed to drive his van to school and leave for lunch. I shake the thoughts of him at school from my mind though. I don't need to be jealous. One day I'll finish school and be able to go to college.  

=Santa Ana, California=

-Brendon Urie, Age 16-

I officially go to the worst school in the history of schools. I've been stuck sitting outside the headmaster’s office for at least forty minutes now. They told me to come straight here after school now I'm sitting around doing nothing. It's pizza day for crying out loud! I'm gonna end up with chefs surprise meatloaf or something and I'm pretty sure the surprise is the meats probably like horse or something gross, Bleh!  

"Urie" The headmaster’s voice booms from behind his office door and I have to admit it makes me jump a bit. The headmaster is this huge scary ex marine guy that looks like he could break my spin with one hand but apparently he saw his evil ways after he retired and became a priest for some unknown reason. I don't really get it. 

Despite the school's location in California it feels like the most miserable place on earth. Being from Vegas you'd think I would love being just a few minutes from the beach but this school even sucks the fun out of that. They have a school trip to the beach after midterms and finals but you're only allowed to go if you got at least a B on all of them. The rest of the year you have to earn a hundred merit points to be allowed off campus. It's almost the end of the year and I only have six. (A teacher made me show a new kid around.) 

I get up from the hard wooden bench I'd been sitting on and stretch my arms out to the side. I swear my butt has gone numb from that thing. The headmaster’s office looks like it should belong to a 15th century monk not the muscular middle aged man that sits behind the desk with his fingers pressed together. The dude seriously needs a new wardrobe or something, he looks like he's about to burst out of his shirt. Maybe he'll turn into the hulk if I'm lucky. 

"Have a seat Brendon." He says gesturing to the (oh god not another one) wooden chair in front of his desk. 

"I'd rather not if it's all the same to you" I shrug. 

"Sit down." he orders. His tone of voice makes me jump a bit. It makes him sound like my grandfather and I don't have a single good memory of that man. I take a seat quickly and tap my foot nervously on the ground. 

"Why am I here?" I ask hoping I sound more confident than I feel.  

"I just got off the phone with your Parents. I think we all have some concerns Brendon." 

"Is going to chapel three times a week not enough for them? I'd hate for you all to have to add another service just for me." I bat my eyelashes at him. 

"I do not appreciate your sarcasm. You are aware that the school year will be ending in less than a month correct?" 

"Gee is it really that close? Oh shoot there's so much I still wanted to do." 

"In the three years you have attended this school you haven't made a single effort to get involved in any school activities." 

"I have my reasons." 

"You haven't made an effort to connect with any of the other students here either." 

"I have a friend." 

"Brendon I am pretty sure that this friend of yours won't be returning after the summer break and if you don't start making an effort I am going to have to forbid you to return as well." 

"That sounds perfect to me." I mumble under my breath. 

"Why is that?" 

"You already know why they sent me here in the first place." 

"It's been mentioned." 

"They sent me here because I don't believe in god anymore." 

"Well why don't we set up some times for you to meet and talk with me. Perhaps you could attend the youth group meetings. I'm sure we can help you rediscover your faith." 

"I refuse to believe in a god that would allow things like that to happen." 

"Brendon did you speak to a therapist at all after it happened?" 

"I'm here to be punished. The incident was my fault. The last time I checked I'm not supposed to enjoy a punishment." 

"You truly see this school as a punishment?" 

"I do."  

"I'm going to go ahead and mark some time off on my calendar for us to meet and discuss these things." 

"Go ahead and send me away. Just remember I'll be locked in the Looney bin if you do so you'll have that on your conscience." 

"Your parents only want what's best for you." 

"You have no idea what they want. They want it to look like the incident never happened." I stand up from the chair and walk to the door. "I'm already beyond your help." I walk out of the room letting the heavy wooden door slam shut behind me. 

I've lost my appetite now. I always do when the incident is brought up. I try to tell myself that it wasn't my fault. That it was bound to happen sooner or later, but I know it's not true. My own stupid decisions made it happen. I can't ever forget what I caused. Instead of trying to force some food down I just head straight to the computer lab. 

**Email #5**

**From: Bdenboyu@aol.com**  
**To: Blinkexists@aol.com**[ **  
**](mailto:Blinkexists@aol.com)

**Subject: no subject**

**This probably seems weird coming from someone you hardly even know. But I need to say it and I have no one else I can say it to.**

**Sometimes I really just want to disappear**.

 


	6. Chapter 6: Phone call #1 -September 2004-

**=New York, New York=  
-Ryan Ross, age 18-**

**Brennyboy: Hey hey hey I know ur there.**

I look up from my book and smile at the computer screen. I’ve been sitting in the library for over an hour now waiting for Brendon to sign on. A couple weeks ago we began to use aim to talk to each other whenever we could, which wasn’t very often between the time difference, Brendon’s school, and my work. Most of the time email is still our main form of communication. We’ve been talking for almost six months now and I trust him. I know that it can be dangerous to talk to people online and maybe I’m just an idiot but I feel like Brendon really cares about what I have to say.

**RyRo: Yup I’m here. Been waiting 4 u.**

**Brennyboy: Srry got held after class.**

**RyRo: Shouldn’t u be on break or something? Actually did u even go home for the summer?**

**Brennyboy: No summer school.**

**RyRo: Y?**

**Brennyboy: Bad grades n it beats going home**

**RyRo: That bad huh?**

                I try not to think about the bruise on my stomach in the shape of George’s fist. Is Brendon’s family like that? I hate the thought of someone hurting Brendon. He’s so sweet.

**Brennyboy: Crazy religious. Maybe I’ll runaway n live w/ u!**

**RyRo: Ur ass would freeze off b4 u got off the plane.**

**Brennyboy: U can keep me warm ;)**

                I feel my face warm as I read his words. A few times now he’s said things that make me wonder. But wouldn’t he have told me by now? Then again maybe I’m just some nobody on the internet to him. I’ve told him a lot of personal things about myself. Maybe he doesn’t feel as safe telling me things as I do with him.

**Brennyboy: Did I scare u off?**

**Ryro: No srry I got distracted.**

**Brennyboy: Not falling asleep on me again r u?**

**Ryro: Not after the last time the librarian yelled at me.**

**Brennyboy: aw poor RyRo**

**Ryro: =P**

**Brennyboy: Don’t stick it out if u r not gonna use it.**

                I smile a bit and rest my chin on my hand. I don’t even know what Brendon looks like but the thought of kissing him makes me blush. I wonder if he would send me a picture of himself, but if I asked then wouldn’t he want me to send one back? I’m sure as soon as he saw what I look like he’d stop flirting with me and I’d really miss the warm feelings it gives me.

**RyRo: Get me to Cali and maybe**

**Brennyboy: =0 does that mean I have a chance?**

**RyRo: What do u mean?**

**Brennyboy: Ry I’ve been hitting on u for weeks.**

**RyRo: Really?**

**Brennyboy: yes.**

**RyRo: So ur…?**

**Brennyboy: yes.**

**Ryro: and ur living at a catholic boarding school?**

**Brennyboy: all boys’ boarding school. It’s torture Ry!**

**RyRo: let me just buy a jetpack and I’ll come got u.**

**Brennyboy: my hero!**

                I know that he’s real. Brendon is a real person and he likes me. A real person who is flirting with me I really want to know everything there is to know about him.

**RyRo: Question 4 u**

**Brennyboy: answer 4 u**

**RyRo: can u send me a pic?**

I feel like I could have worded it better. I hope he doesn’t think I meant it in an inappropriate way, and what if he asks for me to send him one? I know he won’t be interested in me anymore. At least for now I have someone to talk to other than Spenser. That poor boy has had to listen to me whine constantly. I’m sure he’s tired of me. I’ve hardly even saw him over the summer.

**Brennyboy: I emailed you some.**

**RyRo: Some?**

**Brennyboy: sometimes I get bored don’t judge.**

**Ryro: way too late. I’m afraid to open it now.**

                I bring up AOL and sign into my email. It’s full of emails from Brendon I can’t bring myself to erase. I open the most recent email and download the four attachments. I open the first picture and I can’t help but smile. Brendon’s eyes are crossed a pair of glasses sit askew on his face. He looks kind of dorky but he’s definitely attractive, even with hi braces and a haircut his mother probably picked for him. He’s out of my league.

                The next two pictures are of a similar nature, Brendon making funny faces at the camera. The last picture is my favorite though. It’s a picture of him and some guys I’m guessing are his friends at a beach. Brendon’s hair is slicked back out of his face and he’s got a huge smile on his face as the sun reflects off the water droplets on his chest. Geez he’s way too attractive for me.

**Brennyboy: hey Ryan.**

**RyRo: Yeah?**

                This is it. He’s going to ask me for a picture.

**Brennyboy: You have a phone right?**

**RyRo: yeah I do.**

**Brennyboy: I have to get off the computer now. if you have the time. Could you call me?**

**RyRo: Yeah of course!**

I’m so excited. I get to hear Brendon’s voice! I save the email with the pictures and put the number he sends me into my phone and say goodbye to him before logging out off all the pages I have open before I head out of the library.

Not much has changed for me these past few months. I’m still working insane hours at the diner and I’m still living with my alcoholic father. But I’m not a child anymore. I’m eighteen now and every day I’m getting closer to getting out on my own. To be honest I had hoped that Spenser and I would get a place together and I’d never have to come back to this house again but he’s started at Hudson and living on campus. And obviously I’m not going to say anything to him. I’m proud of him for getting into college and I’m glad he’s going somewhere in life. I’m going to be there for him no matter what.

It’s starting to get chilly here again and I’m not ready for it yet. California would probably be pretty nice or even having Brendon here to cuddle up with in front of a fireplace and sip hot cocoa. It would probably cost a couple months worth rent to get to California and even if I did get there Brendon’s not allowed to leave his school and visitors aren’t allowed in. But that does give me a year to save up. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I don’t even know if Brendon will want to talk to me that long. Geez now I know what they mean when they say liking someone gives you butterflies in your stomach.

When I get back home I can tell without even going inside that George is already home and he’s already drunk, so instead of going inside I go around to the back of the building and climb up the fire escape to the roof. It’s been a long time since I’ve been up here. Since before Brendon. I used to come up here when I was feeling really down. I’d stand at the edge and wonder what if. But not anymore. I’m in a lot better place now. I know that I won’t be trapped here forever. I’m not afraid of the future.

I pull an old beach chair and a blanket out of their hiding place and sit down with the blanket wrapped around my shoulders. The suns beginning to set disappearing behind the skyline of New York, I’d almost think it was pretty if I didn’t hate this city so much. I take my phone out and open up Brendon’s contact information smiling at the phone number now placed there. I’m finally going to be able to hear his voice. I hit dial and press the phone to my ear waiting excitedly.

“Hello Brendon speaking and I’m really hoping this is Ryan because I have been waiting for your call for like ever now.” Brendon says cheerfully. His voice suites him perfectly. I can just imagine the words coming out of his mouth.

“H… Hi Brendon.” I manage to stutter out. I can’t believe I’m actually talking to him, I’m talking to Brendon!

“Come on say more than that. Talk to me.”

“Sorry… I just… geez it feels so weird hearing your voice. But weird like in a good way.”

“Hi Ryan” I can hear the smile in his voice and it makes me feel a lot warmer than the blanket ever could.

“Hi Brendon.”

“You already said that.”

“I know, I know but I’m just… well it’s… It’s harder for me to talk out loud… and I’m nervous I don’t want to say something embarrassing.”

“Ryan you don’t have to worry okay. Just be yourself. I like you.”

“But I… Thank you Brendon.”

“You’re welcome but I haven’t really done anything.”

“You listen to me. No one but Spenser ever has…”

“You know I’m starting to get jealous of this Spenser fellow” Brendon says with a chuckle.

“Spenser is pretty much my brother and I’m pretty sure he’s tired of me by now.”

“How could anyone get tired of you?”

“I complain a lot. And I’m kinda depressing. I haven’t seen him a lot recently. I probably won’t at all now that he’s gone to college.”

“Hey don’t be all negative okay. You said Spenser is a like a brother to you and I doubt going to college is going to change that. He’s probably having trouble adjusting to the new school and all that. And don’t forget that friendship is a two way street. Why don’t you go out to his school and surprise him. It might make him feel better.”

“Do you think so?”

“Yeah, I like totally freaked out when I first got to this school. I tried begging my friends to come see me but none of them would…”

“Okay… maybe when I get off work tomorrow.” I smile a bit. “I’ll bring him his favorite burger.”

“There you go.”

Brendon and I talk until my phone starts to die. We talk about anything and everything that comes to mind and someone everything just seems perfect. We’ve got tons of things in common and talking with him feels comfortable and makes me feel safe. I wish we could have talked for the entire night but I know he needs his sleep for school and I have work in the morning. I know I’m gonna be exhausted when I get there. When we decide to hang up it takes us another fifteen minutes to say goodbye. It probably would have taken longer but my phone died and cut him off in the middle of a sentence. Thankfully I had told him the battery was low. I put my things away and climb back down the fire escape and sneak into my room. I plug my phone into the charger while I get changed and when I get into bed I turn it back on to see I have an email from brendon.

 **To: blinkexists@aol.com**  
  **From: Bdenboyu@aol.com**  
**Subject: no subject**

**Goodnight RyRo XO**

I smile at the message and snuggle into my blankets and fall asleep within minutes.

 

 


	7. Email #11,659 -July 2015-

 

 

=New York, New York=

-Ryan Ross, age 27-

**From: Brendonu@gmail.com   
         To:  RyRo-U@live.com   
         Subject: I miss you **

**Ryan, all I can do right now is pray that you're reading this. Whatever is going on we can figure this out together. I love you so much and it hurts my chest every time you ignore my calls. I know that you're hurting too baby. I know this is hard. Give me a call, or even just a text so I know you're okay. I can't do this alone. You know how much I need you. I will literally get down on my knees and beg if it'll make you talk to me again. Give me something please. I love you. You're my angel. Call me okay. I'm starting to get scared. **

** I love you - B **

          "Now call him Ryan" Spenser says when he finishes reading the print out of the last email Brendon sent me. He didn't have to print it. I've read it at least twenty times. The same with every text and I've  listened  to all the voicemails on repeat.

          "It's not fair Spenser..." I cry. I'm sure he's tired of my whining. I can feel my eyes welling up with tears and I feel so fucking pathetic. All this crying makes me feel like I'm a stupid over emotional teenager again. I want to call Brendon. I want him to tell me that everything is alright but I know he can't and it makes it all the worse.

          "I know it's not Ryan" Spenser sits down next to me on the bed and rubs my back comfortingly. His voice is soft and I'll admit its comforting me a bit. "I don't really understand it. I mean are you sure you guys were in the same place? Couldn't one of you have gotten it wrong?"

          "It was the same place. Same town, same park, same hotel even the same room... We kept skype on all night..." I tell him thinking back to that night. I had been so excited about sleeping in his arms that night, just having him on skype wasn't enough. I felt ice cold even with the extra blankets I requested. Not even Brendon singing to me helped. I cried until I fell asleep that night. I haven't  spoken  to Brendon since. It's been ten days. The longest we have ever gone with out speaking. I long to hear his voice but I'm afraid of how much it will hurt.

          My phone begins to vibrate in my pocket, I don't need to look at the screen I already know it's going to be Brendon. I hope that Spenser doesn't notice it but clearly luck is not on my side because he has it out of my pocket before I can even react. He presses talk and holds the phone to my ear.

          "Ryan? Angel are you there?" Brendon's voice sounds pained and it kills me knowing I've caused it. He deserves better than me.

          "Brendon." His name escapes my lips in a sob and I hear him sigh in relief.

          " Shh  it's okay angel. It's alright please don't cry." He pleads. I take the phone from Spenser and he gives my back a few pats before leaving the room to give us some privacy.

          "Brendon I need you." I manage to get out between sobs.

          "I know Ryan." This time it sounds like he's smiling. "That's why I'm in New York. Give me your address."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Short chapter sorry ******


	8. Phone call #26 -October 2004-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to post this early. I'm just gonna use Brendon's bird

 

=Santa  Ana  California=

-Brendon  Urie , Age 17-

"Tell me a secret" I whisper into the phone. My roommate is asleep and it's almost three hours past lights out but I can't seem to fall asleep. Some nights its impossible for me to shut my brain off and I just want to get up and jump around but I can't even get out of bed without getting in trouble and Jonn wanting to murder me. He needs his beauty sleep apparently.

"What kind of secret?" Ryan asks as he  stifles  a yawn. I feel bad keeping him up this late. Sometimes I forget that he's three hours ahead of me. I tried suggesting he go to sleep but he just says he will when I sleep.

"I don't know, something that Spenser doesn't know. I want to feel special."

"You are Special  Brenny  bear." I feel my cheeks warm when he uses that nickname. 

"Ryan" I whine. He likes to tease me when he's tired and my whining makes him laugh. The sound is always music to my ears. I haven't told him yet, but I think I'm falling in love with him.

"Okay I'll tell you something." 

"Yeah?"

" Mhmm  I'll tell you and then you're going to go to sleep like a good little boy."

"I don't know if I can."

"I'll send you lots of good dreams." He promises.

"How are you going to do that?"

"The sandman and I are tight." He says with a chuckle. He's really to cute.

"Okay. Tell me the secret and I'll go to sleep." I probably wont but I'll say anything to make him happy. I pull my blanket up to my chin and burrow into the pillows.

"You ready?" He asks. I hum in response and except for the sound of Ryan's breathing it's quiet. I'm just starting to think he's fallen asleep when he finally talks again.

"I had a dream about you last night." 

"You did?"

"Yeah. It was a really good dream and when I woke up I was actually glad that we don't have hot water."

"Tell me more?"

"If you don't go to sleep after this I'll kick your butt." He threatens.

"Ryan please" I beg. 

"okay..." He says before taking a deep breath. He sounds a bit unsure of himself and I hope that I'm not pushing him to much. We haven't even talked much about what our relationship is yet. "It was... Well you came to see me. I picked you up at the airport and I was so excited when I saw you. It was like a scene from a cheesy romance movie... Like time slowed down and we ran to each other and you held me tight. You kissed me and I just kind of melted so you had to hold me up." I close my eyes as he talks trying to imagine the scene in my head. I wish that I could see a picture of him, could see the face of the man who I want to give my heart to. I know that the second I meet this adorable boy I'm going to kiss him until our lips are bruised.

"We went out to dinner at this really romantic garden that overlooked central park," He continues. "We argued over who was going to pay and the waitress told us that we were a cute couple." I smile a bit. He wants to be in a relationship with me too. "You said she was right and.... and you asked me to be your boyfriend." I can only imagine how red his face is as he repeats this dream to me. 

"And what happens next?" I ask. I don't mean to rush him but I'm more than a little eager to get to the good parts. I know how tired he is and I don't want him to fall asleep before then.

"We went to your hotel room." His voice is different now, a bit deeper and really sexy, I wonder if its from his lack of sleep or the images that are probably playing out in his head as he speaks. "We... We barely got into the room and you pushed me against the door and kissed me hard. Your hands were all over me and... I don't think I can finish." Ryan lets out a muffled groan and I'm guessing he's pressing his face into the pillow.

"That's okay. I can finish the story." I say, glancing over to make sure Jonn is still asleep.

"N...No I don't think I could listen without... Well you know... and you need to get to sleep you have school in the morning."

"You're torturing me, Ry" I whine.

"Shush you sneaky boy. You promised to go to sleep if I told you the secret." He reminds me.

"Alright alright.... I'll go to sleep now."

"Maybe... Maybe some other time when your roommate isn't there." He says hesitantly. To be honest Jonn probably wouldn't care to much. I've had to listen to him talk on the phone to his girlfriend and that's torture. Like I don't know why he's under the blanket.

"That better be a promise Ross." I tease him.

"mm yeah kay..." He mumbles in response, more asleep than awake now.

"Night Ryan. Sweet dreams." I whisper. He says something in response but it's to muffled for me to make out and soon just the sound of his breathing is all I can hear as he falls asleep without hanging up the phone. Honestly it's kind of nice. Just knowing that he's there for me. I close my eyes and focus on him and soon enough I'm sound asleep as well.


	9. I love you #1

=Lake Forest, California=

-Brendon Urie, age 17-

 

"Did you hear me Brendon?" My father asks. I look up from my phone and shake my head, I tuned him out about an hour ago. Ryan just texted me that Spencer is going to pay for him to get a tattoo for  Christmas  and I was much more interested in trying to guess what he was going to get, apparently my suggestion that he get a tattoo of my face made him roll on the floor laughing his ass off.

"I said me and your brothers are going to go play football. Do you want to join us?"

"Yeah I'm going to pass. I broke my glasses last time and I'm still convinced I fractured my rib." 

"Don't be such a wuss Brendon!" Matt calls from the kitchen. I just roll my eyes, I'm not a fan of being tackled to the ground by both of my brothers while my dad cheers them on. I'm tiny compared to them.

"Besides I already have plans for today." I don't really but anything beats spending time with the family playing sports and talking about religion.

"What plans?" Dad asks, "It's thanksgiving Brendon you need to spend time with your family. We hardly ever see you."

"Whose fault is that? You can't send me away for most of the year and then complain that I don't want to spend time with you." I tell him as I glare at my phone. I should have known when they said they wanted me to come home for the break that they really just wanted to lecture me for not being perfect like my siblings. I get up from the couch and head outside. I should have just stayed at school. At least on breaks no one cares if I stay in the computer lab all night flirting with my adorable boyfriend. Not that he's my boyfriend yet but I suspect we will be soon, it's a work in progress, that and getting him to send me a picture of himself.

I make my way down the street without really having a specific destination in mind. I used to be able to walk to my friends houses but the only one I still keep in touch with has moved away. Although since it's the holidays he might be visiting his parents. I sent him a text but I never got any reply. Everything in this neighborhood looks the same. I wish that it got cold here. I wish the leaves and things started changing and it looked like fall. I really wish it would snow. I love the cold weather, the snow, scarves and hats. I want to be able to snuggle up under piles of blankets without needing to blast the ac. Hmm and I definitely want to be able to snuggle up with a cute boy in front of a fireplace. All of which I could find in New York. Speak of the devil, I think as my phone starts to play Ryan's ringtone. 

" Ryro !" I yell as I hold the phone to my ear. Ryan laughs and I can't help but smile at the sound. He's so precious.

"Hey Brendon."

"Hiya Baby" I say knowing he always gets flustered when I use nicknames for him. I've reached the playground that I used to play in when I was a small child. It's funny how small it looks now. I make my way across it and take a seat on a swing pushing the woodchips around with my toes.

"You're  gonn  make me blush." Ryan says quietly.

"I bet you look adorable when you blush."

"No, my face gets all blotchy. It's ugly." 

"Ryan you are handsome no matter what." I tell him. We argue about this a lot. I hate that he has such low  self-esteem . It makes me what to give him a big hug and tell him he's hot.

"You don't even know what I look like." he mumbles.

"I don't need to know what you look like Ry. I know I'll get to see you when you're comfortable. I know you're handsome on the inside and  that's  all that matters to me. You're sweet and you're sensitive. you listen to what I have to say. You are perfect."

"Brendon... I... Oh geez you made me get all teary my eyeliner is  gonna  mess up... You're so sweet."

"I  care  about you Ryan. We're far apart but you're so  so so  important to me. you know that right?"

"Uh huh, Thank you Brendon. You... You mean a lot to me too."

"Damn, why are you so far away." I kick the pile of woodchips I made and watch them scatter.

"I know... It sucks. I um... Well I was going to  surprise  you but I've been saving up for a ticket to come see you."

"Seriously!?" A mother playing with her son shoots me a look but I'm to happy to even care. "You're really going to come see me?"

"Yes. I'm about halfway there. I thought maybe I could go during your spring break. We could... we could stay at a hotel near your school."

"Just me and you alone in a room huh. Trying to make your dreams come true?" I tease him.

"Oh my god... I should have never told you that."

"But it's led to some very lovely conversations. Speaking of which I am now roommate free so can we finish the story tonight?"

"Oh my gosh I'm dating a pervert." He just said we're dating! I have to fight not to start freaking out and cheering or doing something embarrassing.

"You know you love me." I sing. I'm probably grinning like an idiot. Ryan gets quiet though. I was just teasing but I'm worried that I've scared him off with the L word.

"Yeah... Yeah I do." He says. I think my heart just stopped.

"You... You do?" I ask him. He loves me.

"I'm sorry... Please don't be weirded out or-"

"I do too." I cut him off. I feel like there's a million butterflies in my stomach.

"What?"

"You know..." 

"I do. But I want to hear you say it."

"You first." My whole body feels warm and I feel like I'm going to explode. He loves me!

" Iloveyou " He says it so quickly that if I hadn't been paying attention I would have missed it. Ryan Ross loves me! I'm smiling so hard that my face is starting to hurt.

"You're supposed to say it back..." He says quietly and I  realize  I've just been sitting here smiling for almost two minutes. 

"I love you Ryan." I say loudly. The mother gives me another look but I don't care. I'm in love and he loves me back.

"No matter what?" He asks.

"Ry, are you still worrying about your looks? You could have warts all over and a hairy back and I would still love you."

"No you wouldn't... But I don't have those things... actually I don't have much hair at all. Except on my head I could probably use a haircut... I mean... Spenser says I haven't finished puberty yet... Late bloomer or something I don't know. Please stop me before I say something stupid or even more embarrassing."

"I'd kiss you if I could."

"I can't wait to see you." He says.

"Soon baby."

"Not soon enough."

"I know. I'm going to kiss every inch of your skin when I finally get to see you.

"Brendon..."

"Yeah?"

"I um... I just emailed you a picture." He whispers.

"Really?"

"Promise you wont laugh?"

"Ryan, I will never laugh at you." I promise him. "well, unless you fall in front of me. I'll make sure you're okay but  I'm  definitely going to laugh."

"You're such a butthead" He laughs.

"But I'm your butthead."

"Just mine? No one  else's ?"

"You're worried?"

"Just sometimes..."

"Well don't. I haven't even thought about another boy like that since I started talking to you."

"You're sure? I mean... We're far apart so it's not like we can... and I'm sure you have needs..."

"Ryan you're all that I need."

"I wish I could talk to you forever..." He sighs.

"You have to go?"

"Yeah I was just on my dinner break."

"Did you even eat anything?"

"No, but I didn't bring anything to eat anyway."

"Take care of yourself Ryan."

"I will. I love you Brendon."

"Love you too baby." I hang up my phone and smile at my feet. I never thought another person could make me this happy.


	10. The Incident -January 2000-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that my updates have been so sporadic recently. I'm in the middle of moving up to Alaska to work for the summer and things are kind of hectic. I'll be getting settled in in the next couple of days so I'll get back on my regular update schedule soon. I might have to adjust it a bit though since there's now a four hour time change.

**=Lake Forest, California=**

**-Brendon Urie, Age 13-**

                “Hey Pete.” I say peeking out from under the blanket. My parents went away on a church retreat and I told them I was going to stay with a friend from church. They’d be really mad if they found out the truth. They said they wanted to talk to the friend’s parents so Pete pretended to be an adult and convinced them that I could stay with him for the week. Pete’s the coolest guy ever. He’s four years older than me but he lets me hang out with him and his friends.

                “Hmm?”

                “I can’t sleep.”

                He shakes his head. It’s almost eleven and I have school tomorrow so I told him I had to go to sleep but he’s still playing video games and it’s really distracting.

                “But what if I’m tired in the morning?”

                “Dude don’t be lame just don’t go to school tomorrow. Your parents are gone and mine don’t give a shit.”

                “The school will call my parents.”

                “So we go to your house and erase the message idiot.” He says. His back is to me but I’m pretty sure he’s rolling his eyes.

                “Mom told me not to go to the house.”

                “Brendon come on your house is empty for a week you should be throwing a party or something.”

                “I don’t know how to throw a party. It would suck and people would make fun of me.”

                “You want to throw one?”

                “Will you help me make it good?”

                “Sure why the fuck not.” Pete says with a grin. I think for a moment, I would get in a lot of trouble if my parents would found out. My big brothers and sisters would never do something like that but they aren’t home either. My sister is at college and my brothers are on a mission trip. I have a key to the house for emergencies though so we could get into the house.

                “Okay…. Yeah let’s have a party. But who are we gonna invite? I don’t have a lot of friends.”

                “You don’t need friends little dude. I’ll invite some people from my high school, that way they won’t think you’re totally lame when you start there next year.”

                “You’re the best Pete!” I yell as I untangle myself from the blankets and sit next to him on the floor. Pete’s the coolest. My parents don’t like him though because he has tattoos and piercings and he dyes his hair a lot. Right now it’s black with red fringe. My mom thinks he worships the devil or something but I know better. The only person Pete believes in is himself and everything he does is just because he wants to and he doesn’t care what everyone else thinks. I want to be just like him.

\---

                The house is packed and there’s barely any room to move anywhere. I only know like five of the people here and everyone else just showed up. I lost Pete an hour ago and it’s really scary. I’ve never felt so lost in my own house. The stereo system Pete borrowed from someone is making the whole house shake and the living room has become just a mass of bodies moving along with the music and at some point a lot of alcohol showed up in the kitchen. There’s no way I’m not going to get in trouble for this.

                I hear the sound of something breaking and I try not to let myself panic too much. Someone hands me a red plastic cup and even though I don’t know what’s in it a start to drink it just so I don’t look like a loser or something as I make my way through the house looking for Pete. The liquid is bitter and the first couple of sips make me gag but I manage to keep it down and it kind of starts to taste better after a bit.

                A fight breaks out in the hallway and my cup is knocked from my hand but thankfully there’s just a little bit left in it. I manage to get through the crowd and stumble out the backdoor onto the porch falling into another guy. Both of us fall to the ground with me lying on top of him.

                “Ow ow ow” The other boy groans bringing a hand up to touch his head. I sit up and look down at him.

                “I’m sorry are you okay?” I ask. The boy takes his hat off his hat and I think I stopped breathing for a minute. He’s a boy but…. He’s beautiful, breathtaking and I really really wonder what his lips feel like.

                “Yeah I’m okay… um… can you get off me?”

                “Oh man I’m sorry.” I move off him and get back to my feet holding my hand out to him. He eyes it for a moment then takes it and lets me help him up. “I um… I’m Brendon.”

                “Oh okay… I’m George.” He puts his hat back on his head. I don’t know what’s going on with me but I just want an excuse to talk with this boy more. He’s so… I don’t even know how to describe him and I don’t know what’s going on with me.

                “Hi George.” I smile and step closer to him as a group of people come out of the house.

                “Hello…” He smiles a little bit and looks down at the ground his cheeks tinted a bit red. I don’t know what comes over me then, maybe it’s the alcohol, I take his hand once again and lean forward kissing him on the lips. I know it’s wrong to kiss another boy. I know I could go to hell for it. But something about this boy makes me think it might be worth it.

**=Lake Forest, California=**

**-Brendon Urie, Age 17-**

                “That night… I spent the whole time with George. We just… were drawn to each other we had to be close but we didn’t touch most of the time… Nothing else felt like it mattered, it was the first time I had felt that way about anyone and he was so perfect I didn’t think about anything but him.” I take a deep breath and pull at a loose string on my blanket. My room has changed since I was last here. My parents started using it as a guest room and all my things were moved to the basement. It’s like they’re trying to hide the fact that I exist. I get it though. I could understand why they wouldn’t want a son like me.

                “So… you fell in love with this George boy? I don’t really get why you’re telling me about him all of a sudden… Did… Did you see him again?” Ryan asks nervously on the other end of the line. I guess I should have started off better, Ryan is always nervous I’m going to leave him for someone closer.

                “No no I haven’t seen him… He’s not here anymore…”

                “Oh… So… Why then?”

                “Like I said… I didn’t think about anything but him, people kept handing me drinks and I just didn’t care what was in them. I just drank… and drank… most of that night I don’t even remember it.” I admit. “Around eleven George and I ended up sitting on the front porch. It was really chilly out… so he scooted closer to me and I kept my arm around him and it was just… it was so nice and when he turned his head and our eyes met… We kissed again and I felt fireworks it was like my body was on fire and…”

                “Brendon… Do I really have to listen to you talk about how great some other guy is?”

                “Was… He was… Not anymore.” My voice cracks on the last word and I have to bite my lip to try and calm myself.

                “Brenny?” Ryan’s voice is softer now. He’s realized that what I’m saying is upsetting me.

                “I um… I really wanted to impress him… I wanted him to think I was cool and I was an idiot… My dad had been teaching me how to drive… So I… I got the spare keys from my parent’s room. I got the car out of the garage without any problems… I thought that everything would be fine. Pete saw us getting in the car so he just hopped in the back… he said he was too drunk to drive but the party needed more alcohol so we were going to stop... on…. On the way back.” I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my forehead on them as a sob wracks my body. I hate talking about this. I hate it but I have to tell Ryan.

                “Shh Oh Brendon sweetie please please don’t cry. I don’t want to hear you cry when I can’t hold you.”

                “I made it… halfway to his house and then… I ran a red light… I didn’t even see it… and then the truck was just there… it slammed into the car and oh god he was looking at me he didn’t even see it.” I can’t control my crying anymore. It’s my entire fault. Someone lost their life because of me. The first boy I ever had feelings for died because of me. I killed him.

                Ryan tries to sooth me, saying things he knows I’d like to hear. I try to focus on his words as he talks about the future. About the two of us meeting, us going to college together. I try push all of the memories and the emotions from that night back into the little box in the back of my mind but it’s hard to. On my desk my computer is still on, still open to the email with the picture of Ryan staring back at me. Ryan, thought slightly older, the spitting image of the George that lost his life because of me years before.  I got punished for the party. I got punished for the broken items and the destroyed car. But no one knows the real truth. Pete pulled me out of that car, Pete kept pressure on my injuries, Pete kept me alive, and when the police got there…. Pete took the blame. Pete went to juvie because of me. I’m an awful person. I don’t deserve Pete’s loyalty. I don’t deserve Ryan’s love. I killed a boy because I wanted to impress him. I wish that I had really been punished.

 


	11. -Voicemail #378, July 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry my updates are so late. I've been rather busy getting moved and what not but I'm all settled now and my updates will return to being weekly.

=New York, New York=

 -Ryan Ross, age 27-

 

 

                _"Ryan... that address you gave me must have been wrong. At least I hope you said it wrong or I mixed it up when I wrote it down. Um I guess you're still in the shower which would be really great... if I was actually there. Anyway I'm sorry for rambling I'm just... nervous I mean I'm really here in new York and I'm still not with you. Right well um... call me as soon as you get this because the address you gave me... the building's abandoned and like half of it is burnt down... So... Please call me okay. I love you so so so so soooooo much. Hugs and kisses"_

  
               I move my phone away from my ear and frown. I thought it was weird that Brendon wasn't here. I had kind of hoped I would have still been in the shower and Brendon could have gotten the spare key that I hid outside and slipped into the bathroom with me. Just the idea makes my heart rate quicken as I quickly save the voicemail and call Brendon back.

                One ring.... Two rings... three rings...

                I pace my room and hold the phone between my cheek and shoulder as I tighten the towel around my waist, not in any hurry to get dressed since I'm hoping my clothes will just come back off anyway.

                "Ry hey I was hoping I'd hear from you soon."

                "I'm sorry Hun I didn't hear the phone over the shower." I apologize. The towel starts to slip off again so I grab a pair of pajama pants from my drawer and pull them on before heading to my living room. I want everything to be perfect when Brendon gets here.

                "No worries. I stopped at a starbucks and got some coffee."

                "Mmm coffee"

                "You and your coffee" Brendon laughs.

                "You know I can't live without my coffee. Now let's get you here because I'm not sure I can live much longer without kissing you."

                "Now that sounds even better than coffee. What's the right address?"

                "Hang on I'll text it to you so you can't mix it up this time."

                "Gasp! I did no such thing. You just don't know your address"

                "Um excuse you I know this address very well. I've lived here for four years now." I turn my phone on speaker and quickly text my address to him before plopping down on my couch to stare at my door, I'm probably going to tackle him the second I see him. "Did you get the address yet?" I ask him eagerly.

                "Yeah... I got it..."

                "What's wrong?"

                "That's the same address I already had Ry... It's just a destroyed building. There's nothing left."

                "What? No its not."

                "Ryan if this is some kind of trick or if you're testing me or something then stop alright. I came all this way to see you."

                "I would never do something like that Brendon... You know that. I don't want to be away from you for a second longer than I need to. I love you..."

                "It's really your address?"

                "Yes it is I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die... which I think I might do if I don't see you soon."

                "I'm sorry baby... I know you wouldn't do that." He lets out a sigh and I'm sure he's running his fingers through his hair like he always does when he's upset. I wish I could see him. I wish I could hold him and make everything better. "I'm sorry. I'm tired... I've been travelling all day and I haven't eaten a lot... and I just... I really really want to see you."

                "I know Brenny... I don't know what is going on... That's my address... I'm in the building right now and I'm sitting on the couch looking at the door and waiting for my handsome boyfriend to come into the apartment so I can give him lots of love."

                "I really need you right now Ry. I wish I could hold you in my arms. I love you so much."

                "I love you too Brendon. It's... Everything is okay right... whatever happened in Broken arrow... it was just... a fluke?" I ask him nervously. What if the same thing happens all over again and we end up in the same place without seeing each other.

                "Ry I... I'm not sure and it's really scaring me... I didn't make plans for this trip... I just got on the plane... I don't have enough money to fly home early or get a hotel room...." Brendon's voice cracks and I feel awful. I know he doesn't have the best paying job. He's struggled to pay his rent on time and he still spent money to get out here to see me even after all the money he spent getting to broken arrow.

                "Shh it's okay Hun. You said you're at starbucks right? The one next door to the pet shop right?"

                "Yeah..." He replies his voice muffled. I get up quickly and get a t-shirt from my room pulling in over my head.

                "I'm on my way right now okay."

                "Please get here soon..." He says softly. "I'm really worried... I did all this... this research after broken arrow and I have to know for sure whether it's really possible or not."

                "What do you mean?" I grab my keys off the kitchen counter as I make my way to the door and slip my shoes on. I don't even bother to lock my door behind me as I hurry out and make my way out of the building.

                "Well I... I thought it was really weird so I searched Google and... a bunch of stuff showed up about like parallel universes and it was just... I mean it all kind of made sense."

                "What?" I run across the street in front of my building and begin the short walk to starbucks. I've heard of parallel universes before but it's not like something like that could actually be real.

                "Okay so it's like an alternate universe that exists with the universe you live in. So everything could be exactly the same except there are small universes. Like maybe someone made a different decision or red is blue and blue is red."

                "Bren, that doesn't make any sense. That's just science fiction." If it was real then that would mean I spent the past ten years falling more and more in love with a man that I can never meet. How could I accept something like that as real?

                "But it would make sense Ry. Okay think about it like this. When I was younger I met a boy named George. He looked exactly like you and he sounded like you but he lived with his mom instead of his dad."

                "That's just a coincidence."

                "But what if it isn't Ryan? Your first name is George right. But you don't use it because it's your dad's name and your mom left you with him."

"I really don't want to talk about that."

                "Sorry but... What if it had been the other way? What if you lived with your mom so you didn't know the kind of man your dad was and you used your first name? I felt a connection with him that I never felt again until I started talking to you. What if you guys were the same person just in different universes?"

                "Stop it Brendon." My voice comes out louder than I meant to and I want to apologize but how can he just go on and on about this. "If you think that's true... Then why come to New York? Why even bother trying again? What's the point if I can never see you?"

                "I came because I love you Ryan... because I want to be wrong and I want it to be science fiction. I love you and I want to be with you and I will do anything and everything in my power to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you Ryan. I want to marry you and have a family with you. I want us to be cranky old men together that eat breakfast at the same diner every day. I really really love you."

                "You... you want to marry me?" I ask freezing in place. Brendon's words are so sweet and so sincere. I know I can believe him. I know I can trust him. He'll find a way to be with me. We'll be together and we won't ever have to be alone.

                "I would marry you this second if I could Ryan."

                "I... I'm just outside the starbucks now."

                "So come inside and see me."

                "What if you're right...? What if you're not there and we'll never be able to meet?"

                "I won't give up until I'm with you Ryan. I won't give up until we're standing face to face and I can reach out to touch you." I close my eyes and take a deep, calming breath, willing myself to calm down. I let myself focus on his voice and quickly imagine our future together.

                "Where are you sitting?"

                "In a tan arm chair to the left of the front door."

                "Okay... I'm coming inside." I walk forward and pull the door open. I stare at the ground as I step inside. It takes me a few seconds before I'm able to lift my head and look to my left.


	12. Video Chat #1 -September 2007-

=New York, New York=

-Ryan ross, Age 19-

                “Did you get it working yet?” Brendon asks for probably the thousandth time since I called in thirty minutes ago. This morning when I got home from work I found another package on my doorstep. I tried figuring out where they came from but I’ve never been able to find anything. For a few years now they’ve just shown up. Even when I got my own closet sized apartment they still found their way to me. No return address, no explanation. The latest technology just handed to me, always with nothing but Brendon’s contact information stored. He insists that he had nothing to do with it. It’s alright though. It’s not like it’s something to complain about. Especially not now, since this morning’s package contained a webcam. I can talk to Brendon face to face now, if I can just get this stupid thing to work.

                “No my computer still won’t recognize it…” I grumble in frustration. Everything’s all set up for the call and Brendon is waiting. As soon as I told him what I got he ran to his friends house to borrow his web cam.

                “Ryyyy now is so not the time for you to be technology challenged. I want to see that cute face of yours.” Brendon whines. I feel my cheeks heat up and a smile spread across my face. It’s so hard for me to believe that this boy is all mine. “Stop blushing and fix the camera” he teases.

                “Shut up I was not blushing.” I tell him as I try turning the camera on and off once again.

                “You so were. I know you to well by now Ross.” A green light turns on above the camera and I let out a cheer as an image of myself appears on the screen.

                “I got it working. Start the call, start the call” I tell him excitedly, resisting the urge to get up and start jumping on my mattress.

                “Finally!” there’s a shuffling sound from his phone and then a box pops up on my screen telling me that Brendon wants to chat. Excitedly I hit the accept button and the call starts, a window appearing with Brendon’s grinning face. “Hey handsome” He says with a wave. I hear his voice echo over the phone and my computer’s speakers. Being able to hear and see him like this feels like a dream.

                “Hey” I grin at him. It’s so different like this; I wish I could just reach out and wrap my arms around him and never let go. I know we’ll be together one day. Both of us have jars filled with spare change just waiting for the day we can see each other in person. It almost makes it harder to be away from him. We’re so perfect together. He really loves me and I could use someone like that in my life. Someone to wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me.

                “You’ve got that thinking face on again babe.” Brendon chuckles shaking me from my thoughts. I smile and push my bangs back from my face.

                “Sorry.”

                “What’s on your mind?” He asks.

                “You like always.”

                “What about me?”

                “How perfect you are and how much I want you to kiss me right now.” My cheeks feel warm as he smiles at me.

                “Soon I promise. After all Thanksgiving is coming up. That means we have to count our money and see if we have enough. Then you can come spend Christmas with me and my family.” Brendon’s really excited about the idea but it makes me kind of nervous. His parents wouldn’t approve of our relationship, they don’t even know about it actually. They love Brendon but if they knew he was gay they’d probably kick him out.

                “It is going to be okay right?” I ask him shifting so I’m lying down.

                “Ry it’s going to be perfect. You’ll fly in a few days before Christmas. My family always goes to a party at my grandparent’s house on Christmas eve then midnight mass. They won’t even be home until like three or four in the morning. So we skip the boring party and spend the whole night all alone.”

                “I don’t know if I can keep my hands off you.”

                “Well don’t worry okay I’ll pick you up all on my own and we’ll have a nice long make out session that makes everyone around us uncomfortable and someone tells us to get a room.”

                “I don’t know we might actually need a room.” I tease him, “because if I get to touch you I’m going to want to touch all of you.” Brendon opens his mouth then closes it again, he chews his bottom lip.

                “That’s cheating” He groans before falling backwards.

                “It’s not cheating it’s the truth Brenny bear. I hope you feel the same about me.”

                “Of course I do. You’re so hot I drives me crazy.” He says lifting his head and smiling at the camera. I feel my cheeks flush again and can’t help but feel shy as a thought crosses my mind.

                “You… you know now that we have these cameras we could…”

                “Oh sweet jesus yes we need to” He says jumping up and moving closer to the camera. “Have I mentioned how perfect you are Ry?”

                “I’m not perfect.”

                “We’re not arguing about this right now Ryan.”

                “I know I know. I can’t wait to really see you.”

                “It’s going to be great. I promise.” He smiles at me and like always it makes me feel like everything is going to be alright.


	13. Porcelain, June 2015

=New York, New york=  
-Brendon Urie, Age 26-

  
                  My mother always took the easy volunteer jobs the church had to offer when I was a child, one of them was visiting an elderly member of our church who could no longer leave her home easily. My mother would drag me along and make me sit with them as they studied the bible. I hated going there, the house had a strange smell and she always gave me cookies that had no flavor. There was only one thing I looked forward to when I went there.

                  In the living room there was an old oak bookshelf piled high with books about the bible, dictionaries and an encyclopedia set that was missing four volumes. The thing that really caught my eye was up on the top shelf just beyond my reach. A porcelain figurine of a boy blowing out a birthday candle. I wasn't allowed to touch it, my mother always told me. That figurine fascinated me. I wanted it so badly, I thought if maybe I could just hold it I could find out all its secrets. It looked like a toy and I wanted so badly.  
We had been going to visit this woman once a week for almost two months when I finally got my chance, the woman was sick so my mother met with her in her bedroom and left me alone in the living room with strict instructions not to break anything. I knew it was my chance, I knew that no matter what I was going to get that figurine down and find out why I wasn't allowed to have it.

                  I waited until I heard the bedroom door close to make my move. I pulled a chair in from the kitchen being very careful not to let it make to much noise as I dragged it across the tiled floor. I placed it in front of the shelf and climbed up onto it. Finally, finally I was going to have this item I had treasured for what felt like my whole life time. Thats what I thought at least. The chair was uneven and it wobbled when I tried to stand up straight. I lost my balance and fell into the shelf. It seemed like everything slowed down after that, the bookshelf rocked back and forth and I watched with horror as my figurine tipped over and fell to the ground, it shattered before I could ever even touch it.  
I think about that figurine now as I sit with my head held in my hands. My phone lays broken on the ground between my feet and I can't tell if I'm going to cry or scream. My world has been ripped away from me before I could even touch it, like the figurine its shattereded into a hundred pieces that can never be fixed. I've lost my Ryan, my love, my soulmate. I won't ever hold him in my arms. I won't ever kiss his face until all his insecurities are chased away. Everything has come to an end. Ryan didn't walk through the door. Ryan will never walk through the door because we will never exist together in the same world.

                  We don't exist in the same universe. What I thought was just some science fiction theory is the reality. Somehow against all odds Ryan and I were able to talk when we can never see each other. All the theories say that there are an infinite number of universes. Things could be different by just one fact. There's no way to know about these places, there's no way to travel between them. Even with this connection Ryan and I have I couldn't even prove the existance of his world.

                  I know that Ryan will need me right now. I knew the second he realized the truth, I heard his soft gasp, I didn't have to see him to know that he was trembling. I couldn't do anything for him though. My phone slipped through my fingers and shattered on the ground severing my connection to him. I should pick it up, I should try and call him back and comfort him but I don't think I can be strong enough this time. I think that I'm going to break down any second and that will only make Ryan feel worse.  
He's my whole world. Since I was seventeen not a day has gone by that we haven't communicated in one way or another, now I'm not sure how to act. Can we continue to be together even though we'll never meet? Just knowing I'll never have the real thing hurts, and I feel so lonely.

                  I pick my phone up off the ground and quickly exit the coffee shop before the floodgates open and the tears start to spill from my eyes. I've always hated crying, especially in public. I don't want anyone to see how weak I really am. I'm not a strong person, I've done my best to take care of Ryan, to be the one to hold him up and keep him happy. But now I don't think I can continue.

                  I love Ryan with all my heart, how am I supposed to live my life without him? This thought bounces around my head as I wander the city. I came here with no plans and no way to get home. Now I'm lost in the city with no idea what to do next. I want nothing more than to curl up in my boyfriends arms and be told that his is all just a bad dream. But that's never going to happen.


	14. Text convo -June/July 2015

 

 

 

                                                            =New York, New York=

                                                              -Ryan Ross, age 27-

 

\---------------------------------------June 14---------------------------------

**From Loverboy**

_I'm really lonely Ry_

 

**To Loverboy**

_I know B. I am too._

_I wish I could just wrap my arms_

_around you and never let go_

 

**From Loverboy**

_idk if i can keep doing this._

 

**To Loverboy**

  _Don't say that. We've been though_

_so much together._

_Don't give up on us_

 

**From Loverboy**

  _I love you so much. But not being_

_with you hurts to much_

 

**To Loverboy**

_I Know_

 

**From Loverboy**

_It's hard to accept this. I had so_

_many plans for us_

_I think i just need time to think_

 

**To Loverboy**

 Br _endon please I can't lose u._

_You're my world._

_My moon._

 

**From Loverboy**

_And you're my sun and the whole_

_world is dark because you're not_

_in it_.

 

**To Loverboy**

_I love you._

 

**From Loverboy**

_I love you more._

 

**To Loverboy**

_Then please don't give up._

\---------------------------------------June 16---------------------------------

**To Loverboy**

_Bren?_

\---------------------------------------June 19---------------------------------

**To Loverboy**

_Please don't give up_

\---------------------------------------June 21---------------------------------

**To Loverboy**

_I'm sorry. I know you asked for_

_space but you're scaring me._  

_At least let me know ur okay._

_It's been a week. I love you_

 

**From Loverboy**

_I love you too_

 

**To loverboy**  

_We're going to be okay B._

_We'll figure it out_

\---------------------------------------June 30----------------------------------

**To Loverboy**

_I've been writing again._

_Writing a lot. It helps._

_Sort of..._

_If all our life is but a dream_

_Fantastic posing greed_

_Then we should feed our jewelry to_

_the sea_

_For diamonds do appear to be_

_Just like broken glass to me_

_And then she said she can't believe_

_Genius only comes along_

_In storms of fabled foreign tongues_

_Tripping eyes, and flooded lungs_

_Northern downpour sends its love_

_Hey moon, please forget to fall down_

_Hey moon, don't you go down_

_Sugarcane in the easy mornin'_

_Weathervanes my one and lonely_

_The ink is running toward the page_

_It's chasin' off the days_

_Look back at both feet_

_And that winding knee_

_I missed your skin when you were east_

_You clicked your heels and wished for me_

_Through playful lips made of yarn_

_That fragile Capricorn_

_Unraveled words like moths upon old scarves_

_I know the world's a broken bone_

_But melt your headaches, call it home_

_Hey moon, please forget to fall down_

_Hey moon, don't you go down_

_Sugarcane in the easy mornin'_

_Weathervanes my one and lonely_

\----------------------------------------------------Tuesday------------------------------------------

**To Loverboy**

_You're okay right?_

\----------------------------------------------------Wednesday---------------------------------------

**To Loverboy**

_I got fired today..._

_Guess I should have expected it._

_I can't bring myself to leave home._

_I love you_

 

**From Loverboy**

_I love you too_

 

**To Loverboy**

_Come back to me???_

\----------------------------------------------------Today----------------------------------------------

**To Loverboy**

_It's been a month_

_A really long month._

_I don't think I've ever felt so alone._

 

**From Loverboy**

_I don't think I can do this anymore_

 

**To Loverboy**

_What?_

_B you can't do this to me. Not like_

_this._

_I need you._

_I'm sorry i couldn't give you time._

_It was so hard. We can be together_

_We'll find a way to make it work._

_I love you_

 

**From Loverboy**

_I love you too._

_I'm sorry Ryan_.

 

**To Loverboy**

_Please don't break my heart._

 

**-Outgoing call 12:48 pm-**

 

**-Outgoing call 1:00 pm-**

  _Brendon?_

_Please?_

_Don't do this to me._

_I love you_

 

**From Loverboy**

_If you love me let me go._


	15. Going Home

=Los Angeles, California, June 2015=

-Brendon Urie, Age 28-

                My mind is blank and my heart feels heavy as I exit the terminal at LAX, I can’t remember the last time I felt this lost. No that’s not true. It was back before Ryan, He gave me something to look forward to. A goal to reach for, being with him gave me meaning to my life and knowing that I will never hold him in my arms is like a punch to the chest.

                As I make it to the end of the hall I see Pete waiting for me with his signature smile on his face, his teeth a bright contrast to his tanned skin. Seeing him is a bit of a relief, I would have been really lost if it wasn’t for him. When I told him I was stuck in New York he didn’t even hesitate to use his points to fly me home, first class even. He walks over to me quickly when he notices me and wraps me tightly in a hug. I return the hug and rest my head on his shoulder squeezing my eyes shut.

                “Bren… Hey come on there’s no need to cry buddy.” Pete says as he rubs my back. I hadn’t even realized there were tears falling down my face.

                “I miss him Pete… I miss him so much…” I feel pathetic. Clinging to him crying like a child. I’ll never understand why he’s stuck with me for so long. Surely he must be annoyed by me.

                “I know Bren. Come on let’s get out to my car okay?”

                “Alright… Thank you for this Pete… I don’t know what I would have done.”

                “Ah come on don’t get all sappy on me” Pete flashes me his blinding smile again and before I know it he’s thrown his arm around my shoulders, making me bend down a bit as he pulls me out to the parking garage. He’s talking about the last episode he saw of some tv show and it kind of feels nice. I realize that it’s been a long time since I’ve just hung out with friends without my phone in my hand. I wouldn’t change anything about the past of course. I love Ryan and having him in my life kept me going, giving me something to look forward to when I awoke each morning.

                Pete’s black svu sits parked in a handicapped spot not far from the elevator. I know I should scold him for breaking the rules like that but I know he wouldn’t listen to me anyway so I just climb into the passenger seat and toss my backpack behind my seat. Pete’s done well for himself these past few years. His band has taken off and they’ve released two albums. In the mean time I haven’t done much with my life. I’ve pretty much been a permanent student really. I guess I haven’t really wanted to grow up yet. My goals been to save up enough money to move to New York, but clearly that will never be a reality and honestly I’m not sure if I’d fare well in the cold city. I’ve grown pretty used to LA.

                “Earth to Brendon. Come in Brendon” Pete says waving his hand in my face. I just shake my head at his antics and swat his hand away from my face with a roll of my eyes.

                “What Wentz?”

                “I was talking to you for like ten minutes and you didn’t answer Urie.”

                “Oh… Shit sorry man. Guess I just kind of got lost in my head.”

                “It’s all cool Brenny boy don’t worry about it. I totally understand. My brains like a corn maze or some shit.”

                “I think you’re on some shit and I think whatever it is you need to share.” I tease him.

                “I’m high on life man. Just high on life. You should try it some time.”

                “yeah well I’ve sucked pretty bad at it up til now.”

                “You haven’t even tried Brendon. It’s like you were so focused on your love life you never gave yourself time to grow up all the way. Just take a chance and move up in life. You’ve got talent kid.”

                “Oh please.”

                “No seriously Bren. You’ve got a great voice. Oh shit I know what we’re gonna do!” Pete yells hitting my arm unnecessarily hard in his excitement.

                “Hopefully it doesn’t involve breaking my arm.” I grumble in response.

                “No way dude. We’re gonna get you in the studio with Patrick. Shit I bet you guys would sound awesome together.”

                “I don’t know Pete… Patrick kinda kicks my ass at like pretty much everything.”

                “That’s because he’s an angel that lost his wings.”

                “I think you’re just blinded by love.” I’m just teasing him but even with his tanned skin I can see the blush that creeps on to his cheeks. “Holy shit no way. Has Patrick finally tamed the great Pete Wentz?”

                “What? No! Go fuck yourself.” Pete grumbles glaring at the road ahead of us.

                “No way man. You’ve got to give me the details. Are you guys dating? Have you slept with him? Are you going to get married and have little musical genius babies?”

                “Just shut up Brendon okay.” Pete sighs. “I got drunk and I told him, he rejected me. End of story.”

                “I doubt that. Come on there’s got to be something else. I’ve seen the way you two are together.”

                “Oh like you would notice anything with that fucking phone in your face all the time.” Pete snaps at me. We both sit in silence then pretending to be interested on the traffic ahead of us. I’ve got a feeling this is going to be a long and awkward car ride. I didn’t mean to upset Pete, even after all this time I forget how short of a fuse he has.

                It isn’t until Pete’s managed to squeeze into the right lane and inch towards our exit that he says anything again. I reach forward to change the song on the radio at the same time he did and we both ended up laughing and I’m able to relax back in my seat. “I’m sorry dude.” I tell him. He glances at me and shrugs his shoulders.

                “Yeah me too. Love sucks.”

                “No kidding.” I mumble.

                “You really should work on a song with Patrick or something. You’ve got talent Brendon. You could go places. Maybe you should try putting together a band. I’ll back you guys or whatever. As long as you don’t sound like shit we might even let you open for us.” Pete pats my shoulder and I can’t help but smile. Again and again Pete manages to save my life. I wonder if he knows how much he means to me. He’s like a brother to me, more so than my actual siblings.

                I must have been more tired than I thought because as we move slowly along the road I find myself falling asleep with my head against the window listening to Pete as he attempts to rap along with the song playing from the radio. As I doze I can’t help but think that this is what home is supposed to feel like.


	16. Phone call to Spenser -July 2015-

                                                                                                          =New York, New York=

                                                                                                            -Ryan Ross, Age 27-

 

                “I’ve been… Confused to say the least.” I admit hesitantly.

                “About what?” Spenser’s voice is laced with concern and I wish that he was here so I could snuggle into his warm embrace. If it wasn’t for Brendon convincing me to get back in touch with Spenser after he left for college I wouldn’t have anyone right now. He’s made sure to call me every day since the trip to Broken Arrow. I didn’t explain the whole situation to him, it sounds too crazy no matter how I try to word it.

                “I don’t… I don’t know how to explain it without sounding crazy.”

                “Is this about Brendon again? I thought you guys would have figured things out when he came to visit you.”

                “He came to visit but… It didn’t work out, we didn’t see each other.”

                “Shit, Ry. Why didn’t you tell me? I could have stayed in the city longer.”

                “No you needed to get back to work so you don’t get fired too…”

                “What do you mean? Ryan did you get fired?”

                “I…” I let out a sigh and pull my knees up to my chest. I know how stupid I’ve been these past few weeks. I’ve felt like my world was over and there was no need for me to move forward. No reason to get out of bed. I didn’t leave my apartment, I got excited whenever my phone rang but not seeing Brendon’s name on my caller id just upset me and I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. Brendon would be mad at me if he could see me now. He’d tell me that I couldn’t let someone else determine how I’d live my life.

                “Damn it Ryan, You need to get out of this slump okay. I know you love him but you can’t ruin your life over it.”

                “I know… But it’s weird… Maybe… God I don’t even know anymore. Now I’m questioning whether anything he said was real… How could he leave me like this if he loved me ask much as he said he did. What if he doesn’t care about me at all?”

                “So what if he doesn’t?”

                “Spence you aren’t helping at all.” I know I’m whining and it probably annoys Spenser but it’s hard to feel happy when my hearts been broken to pieces.

                “Your life doesn’t need to revolve around him.”

                “I know it doesn’t but I really love him. What if he never did? What if I wasted all these years? How could he just shut me out of his life without a second thought?” I know Spenser won’t have the answers to these questions but I feel like if I don’t get them out I might explode. “What if he stopped loving me when he realized we won’t ever be together?”

                “Look Ryan, for all I know he may still love you. He probably does. Maybe he just doesn’t know what he wants. I’m sure he thinks about you all the time but that isn’t what matters. What matters is what he’s doing about it, and what he’s doing about it is nothing, and if he’s doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn’t do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life. **(A/N I saw this quote on fb and I thought it worked out really well)**  The only way you’re going to find that is if you get out of bed and move forward with your life. Get your job back or get a new better job. Hell get a better boyfriend for all I care but you can’t keep sitting around crying about it.” I think that’s the most I’ve heard Spenser say at once. But his words are true. I’ve spent so much of my life focused on Brendon, talking to him, saving to visit him, that I haven’t taken the time to establish myself.

                “Okay… You’re right. I’ll take your advice.”

                “Good. I’m glad to hear it. Just take baby steps okay. Go out for coffee or something. Oh! Hey I’ve got a great idea, you still have that train pass I gave you right? Why don’t you come up here for a visit? Jon and I would love to have you. You need to get out of the city, get some fresh air.” Spenser’s voice is cheerful again and I realize how much I miss my best friend. It’s been months since we’ve actually seen each other face to face, he surprised everyone when he announced that he was engaged to his college roommate, even I had no idea and I’d spent long weekends holed up in their dorm. Jon’s family had left him a house upstate so Spenser moved in with him there when they finally graduated. It would be nice to spend some time with the two of them.

                “Yeah okay. Um give me a few days and I’ll come up. Gotta get some things in order here first.” I tell him. We talk for a while longer and it feels good to catch up to act normal. I’m still not feeling my best but I know that the change of scenery will do me some good.

                “Great! I’ll let Jon know and we’ll plan something fun.”

                “Okay that sounds good.”

                “I think you mean it sounds amazing Ry. Just like the good ol days!” Spenser sounds so excited that I can’t help but smile, it’s a small one but it’s a step in the right direction.

                “I’ll see you soon Spensy.”

                “Love you Ry.”

                “love you too.” I hang up the phone and let myself fall back onto the pile of pillows stacked up behind me. It feels like a bit of the weight that’s been pressing down on me has lifted but I can still feel the now familiar ache in my heart, I know it’s from the giant hole Brendon left when he pushed himself out of my life. My fingers itch to dial in the familiar number and I can’t resist the urge. I dial the numbers in and hold the phone to my ear listening to the sound of it ring, three times, the forth is cut off halfway through and I’m sent to voicemail.

                I pull my blanket up over my head and curl up trying to fight the tears that want to spill from my eyes once again. It’s going to take a lot for me to get over him.


	17. An old friend -August 2015-

   =Austin, Texas=

  -Brendon Urie, Age 28-

 I set the amp I'd been carrying down with the rest of the equipment and pull my shirt up using it to wipe the sweat from my face, not that it helps much since the shirt is already soaked as well. The summer sun is beating down on the fairgrounds as we work to get everything set up for the show.

Two months ago Pete asked me to join him on the road with his band. I knew that the work wasn't going to be easy but it never even dawned on me that we'd be travelling through some of the hottest state's in the united states during the middle of summer. Earlier I heard someone's radio say that it was the hottest day of record and here we were in southern texas, and of course I'm stuck carrying heavy equipment while Pete and the guys get to sit on the air conditioned bus and answer questions.

I should play a prank on them later, it would be easy enough getting a few other guys in on it. Touring with fall out boy is more like a touring prank war. It's every man for himself. Its nice to be out here though. I wouldn't trade this for anything, well there is one thing but i'm trying not to think about him. The work keeps me from dwelling to much on the ache in my heart and the people I've met on the road keep me distracted.

The nights are the hardest though. When I'm in my bunk just listening to the silence I can't help but wonder about him. Is he alright? Is he upset? Does he hate me? It's almost enough to drive me insane but I can't give in to these feelings. I need to let Ryan move on with his life. I need him to be happy and I know that as long as he had me he'd never get out there and try to find his own happiness. I love him, so I have to let him go.

"God Brendon you reek!" Pete yells as he hops up onto a stack of boxes, kicking his legs bak and forth with his signature grin on his face, I'm pretty convinced he's part chesire cat.

"Well if it isn't the spoiled rock star, come to mingle with us common folk." I tease him. Pete laughs, he's probably already had a few drinks, and tries to kick me from his perch. I jump back to avoid it and end up tripping over some wires and falling into someone else, knocking us both to the ground. I hear Pete start to laugh even harder followed by a crash as the box tips backwards dumping him onto the rest of the equipment, serves him right.

"Um... You wouldn't happen to be planning on getting off me any time soon would you?" A voice says from beneith me. I'd almost forgotten I was laying on someone else, I sit up quickly and look down at him.

"Sorry dude, Pete's a jacka-" I cut myself off when I realize that I know the man that I crushed. His hair is longer than I remember and the beard is new, but the same gently brown eyes look up at me. It's definitely him.

"Jonny!" I yell throwing my arms around his neck and pressing a kiss to his cheek, he seems startled for a second then his lips curve up in a smile and he returns the hug.

"Well if it isn't Brendon Urie." Jonn says cheerfully as he gets to his feet. He offers his hand and I take it letting him pull me to my feet. I haven't seen Jonn since high school, it's weird to think how much we both must have changed since then.

"The one and only. How you been old man?" There's still some work to be done but everyone slacks off from time to time, so when Jonn offers me a beer I agree and follow him across the field. Pete's still laying where he fell, probably asleep, I'm sure Patrick will find him before he gets too baked by the sun.

One beer turns into six as Jonn and I sit outside one of the buses. We've been talking for a few hours now about our lives and how we ended up where we are. He tells me that he's working as a guitar tech for one of the bands that we picked up a few stops back, he's been touring with different bands since he graduated high school so he's got a lot more experience than me. He tries to ask about Ryan but I change the subject and I think he gets the hint.

It makes me realize how big of a role Ryan's played on my life. Every time I take out my phone I itch to read his texts and listen to his messages. I want to call him, I want to make sure that he's okay. He hasn't called me in the past two days and I'm really starting to worry.

"You okay Brendon?" Jonn asks. I realize that I've zoned out and smile at him apologetically.

"Sorry Jonn..." I pick at the label on the beer bottle in my hand, "Ryan and I... We broke up actually."

"Whoa what? I thought you guys were like completely in love and gonna get married or something."

"We were... we are... But we can't be together, there's... Some really confusing circumstances that are keeping us apart..." I haven't told anyone the truth about me and Ryan. No one is going to believe that there's such thing as alternate universes. Even Pete would probably want me to get my head checked. But something about Jonn makes me want to tell him, his laid back attitude makes me comfortable, or maybe its the beer.

"What is it? Like family or something?" Jonn asks, he seems genuienly curious and I can't help but spill everything to him. He listens quietly, taking in everything I tell him and honestly it feels so good to finally get everything off my chest. It feels good to have someone that actually believes me. I wish that Jonn and I had kept in touch better after high school. He's always had a way of cheering me up and making me feel like everything wasn't as bad as i thought it was.

 It's nearly three in the morning when I make it back to the bus and fall into my bunk. My head is swirling with all the events of the day and I barely even process it as I pull my phone out and dial in the familiar number. An automated message plays after the first ring telling me that the phone is no longer in service. I feel like my heart stops beating. Ryan's phone is off, it's never been off. I know that I was the one who ended things with Ryan, but him not answering makes everything feel more real, more final. I want to cry but nothing comes out. I want Ryan.


	18. A dream come true -August 2015-

=New York, New York=

-Ryan Ross, Age 28-

 A frantic knocking on the door pulls me from my sleep. I look around my room with bleary eyes and reach onto my nightstand finding my phone and checking the time, it's three in the morning. Who the hell is knocking on my door at three in the freaking morning. I get up out of bed and stumble out of the room.

"'m coming 'm coming" I mumble as I reach the door. The knocking stops and I let out a loud yawn before stopping in front of the door and peering out the peep hole. I think my heart stops when I see who is standing out there. I unlock the door quickly and throw it open.

"Bren" He steps inside quickly and wraps his arms around my body, pressing his face into my shirt. I'm in shock. Brendon is here, Brendon is in my apartment hugging me. I lift my arms and hold him close to me. I feel like I've died and gone to heaven. "Brendon... Brendon I... how? This is... I thought" I card my fingers through his hair. He's here.

"I don't know Ry... I just... I had to try again. I couldn't stand it. I missed you so much." His voice cracks as he speaks and I know he's close to tears. I move him back and place my hands on his cheeks looking into his eyes.

"I missed you too Brendon." The words come out as a whisper but I know he heard me. I'm so happy right now I feel like my heart might explode out of my chest. Brendon just smiles at me and grabs my shirt pulling me closer to him and crashing our lips together. He's here, he's really here with me. Brendon deepens the kiss and we stumble further into the apartment just a mess of hands and lips and its so good.

I manage to direct him towards my bedroom and we fall into the bed, and then our clothes are falling away and its skin on skin, his lips trail down my body and everything is perfect.

\---

We lay in the bed together a tangle of limbs and sheets. It feels so good to be with him like this. To feel the heat of another body wrapped around mine. It's like I can feel the love radiating off him as his fingers draw random patterns on my back. I lay with my head on his chest listening to his heart beating.

"I love you Ryan." He hums, I can tell by his voice that he's close to sleep. I'm not tired anymore. Even after being with him that way I feel like I'm full of energy.

"I love you more Bren." I press a kiss to his chest and smile. He's here and he's mine, all mine.

"Not possible. You're so perfect Ryan. You're handsome and kind." He cards his fingers through my hair, "I am so lucky to have you."

"I was afraid I'd lost you forever Brendon... I was so scared."

"I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry I did that to you.... I was... I was so sad that I wasn't going to be able to be with you like this. It hurt to talk to you..." I sit up and look down at him placing my hand on his cheek.

"It's okay Brendon... We're together now. That's all that matters. I'll never let you go again okay." I press a kiss to his forehead. "Seeing you here... It's like a dream come true." A buzzing sound fills the room and I look around, panic fills me as everything starts to fade away.

"No..."

\---

 

I open my eyes and stare blankly at the ceiling. My back aches from sleeping on the couch. A dream, its always just a dream. I sit up and quickly wipe away the tears that have begun to gather in the corners of my eyes and reach for my phone where it sits on the coffee table. Missed call from Spency, the screen reads. I drop the phone down onto the cushion and pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them letting myself cry. Why is life so unfair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, please don't hate me.


	19. Searching -September 2015-

          "Hey Bden it's time to get up." A pillow hits my back rousing me from my sleep. The room is steady for once so I know that the bus has stopped moving. It was hard to get used to at first, trying to sleep knowing all this scenery is passing by. Knowing you could miss something beautiful or important. I used to make sure someone woke me up every time the bus stopped in a new town. I think part of me was hoping that one of these small towns will somehow bring me to Ryan.

          I get out of bed silently and stretch my arms above my head. We've been on the road for a long time. I've gotten used to it all now, I've gotten used to never standing still, being busy keeps my mind from wandering, keeps me from getting to down. I pull on a pair of pants from the floor, they're definitely dirty and they're probably not even mine but I've given up on trying to tell anything apart and being clean. I dig around in my blankets and pull my pack of cigarettes out before heading off the bus.

          Its finally getting cooler out, the tour will be over and I'll be heading back home. Not that I really have anywhere to go. Pete's told me I could crash with him til I find a place but if I plan on being on the road again it doesn't make sense to try and settle anywhere. I've met a lot of people while we've been travelling and I'm considering finding another band to tour with while Fall out boy is in the studio working on their next album.  
  
          "Is he even awake?" I hear Pete's voice from behind me but I don't bother replying to him. I just light a cigarette and put it to my lips taking a long drag. Ryan would kick my butt if he knew I'd picked up smoking. He always told me that the smell of them made him sick. I'd quit for him, I probably wouldn't have started if I was with him.  
  
          "He's been kind of out of it since Oklahoma." That one's Patrick, which makes sense, Pete follows Patrick around like a puppy. He's in love, I think Patrick mostly just puts up with him to keep the band together. I've told Pete that before but he just grinned his grin and told me that they're soulmates, Patrick just doesn't know it yet.  
  
          "Yeah he has... Bren!" Pete's voice is loud, ringing in my head as he walks up to me. I probably shouldn't be drinking so much every night.  
  
          "Shh not so loud you jackass." I say nudging his shoulder.  
  
          "Aw Brenny has a hangover."  
  
          "I will squish you little man."  
  
          "I'm older than you."  
  
          "You're also shorter than me."  
  
          "Shut up." Pete crosses his arms and attempts to look pissed off but his lips keep twitching up. He's been weirdly happy for a wild now. Maybe he changed his medication. "You ready to head home soon?" He asks.  
  
          "No not really. Not sure what I'm going to do once I'm there. I don't think I can go back to waiting tables and making smoothies after all this. I'd probably go crazy."  
  
          "What are you talking about? Brendon you're stuck with us forever dude."  
  
          "What am I supposed to do while you guys write your new album?" Pete's always getting big ideas and never really thinking them through. I definitely know now that Pete's a bad influence just like my parents said. But he's also one of the best humans I've ever met.  
  
          "Well for one you're going to lend us your voice. Because you're amazing and the world needs to know it. Then you're going to get your shit together and work on forming your own band."  
  
          "Oh I am?" I have to admit the idea does sound kind of promising.  
  
          "Yup. You should invite Walker since you guys are all buddy buddy now."  
  
          "We've been all buddy buddy for a long time. He was my roommate at school."  
  
          "Well that explains why you're both so weird. Must be something in the food they give you."  
  
          "Poison most likely. Food tasted like shit."  
  
          "Probably had like asbestos in it." Jonn says. I don't know where he came from but I hand over my cigarettes anyway when he asks for one, he's shared enough beers and joints with me over the past few weeks. I definitely owe him.  
  
          "You like the idea right Walker?" Pete asks him.  
  
          "I didn't hear the idea." Jonn shrugs.  
  
          "Pete thinks you and me should start a band." I tell him, taking out another cigarette for myself.  
  
          "Could be fun." Jonn's always cool with anything.  
  
          "Sweet. You guys are in charge of grocery shopping then. None of that cheap of brand stuff. I want real poptarts. No walmart brand shit." Pete says pressing a crumpled up paper with a grocery list, that I'm pretty sure is written in crayon. Pete's definitely a four year old inside his brain.  
  
          "I'm totally getting you some fake shit."  
  
          "I'll crumple them up in your bunk if you do" Pete threatens.  
  
          "Peter we have enough of a mess on that bus you do not need to be attracting ants." Patrick scolds him. Pete looks down sheepishly and bats his eyes at Patrick.  
  
          "I'm sorry Pattycakes, I won't make any messes." He promises. I'm pretty sure he's got his fingers crossed behind his back but I won't call him on it this time. I'll just blame him next time Patrick gets mad about how dirty the bus is. You'd think he would realize it was a lost cause.  
Jonn and I get back on the bus and finish getting dressed and ready for the day. My hair's kind of a greasy mess so I just stick a hat on my head before heading for the store with Jonn. It kind of sucks but we have to take the bus to the nearest store. It takes us a lot longer than it should have since Jonn read the directions wrong and we got on the bus going the wrong way. It's not to bad though. I like watching the city drift by, like to see what kind of people live there and wonder what their lives are like.  
  
          "You look like you're searching for something." Jonn says. It startles me a bit, we'd both been sitting in silence for a while. I had kind of thought he was asleep.  
  
          "What do you mean?" I ask pulling my gaze away from the window to meet his gaze.  
  
          "You're like this everywhere we go. It's kind of like you're looking for someone. Is it Ryan?" I kind of hate the way Jonn's eyes always seem to be looking right into my soul. Like he can see things no one else can.  
  
          "No... It used to be. But I know now that nothing will change. It's kind of... I don't know really." I admit tugging on the zipper of my hoodie, "I used to always look for him in crowds you know. I used to think he'd just show up to surprise me. Like it was all just a joke and he was hiding from me for some reason... Maybe he was afraid that things wouldn't be the same once we met in real life. But he would get the courage and he'd come to find me and I could hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him."  
  
          "If thats how you feel then why did you push him away?"

          "Because this is real life. As weird as it's gotten since that day... This is the reality that I'm stuck with. My soulmate is dead, so whatever deity is out there connected me with Ryan. They gave me a bandaid."  
  
          "Your soulmate?"  
  
          "Yeah... I get it now. I was supposed to be with George. Him and I... We should have started dating that night. We should have had a future together but that was taken away from us."  
  
          "I don't think you're right Brendon."  
  
          "What do you know."  
  
          "I know that it's possible to love more than one person in your life. I know that its hard to believe when you're still recovering from your heartbreak but you'll find someone out there. Someone that will show you how to love. Someone that you can hold and love, someone who will treasure you just as much or more than Ryan did."

          "But they'll never be Ryan."  
  
          "Bren why did you stop talking to Ryan?"  
  
          "Because I know him. He thinks that he's weak but he's one of the strongest people I know. If I held onto him he would never be able to pick himself back up. He'd sink further and further into depression because he could never be with me. If I cut him off now... He'll be sad for a while, maybe a long while. But he'll heal, he's resilient like that."  
  
          "You're expecting a lot of him."  
  
          "I know him."  
  
          "How can you expect him to do something when you can't even yourself?" Sometimes I really really hate how insightful Jonn can be sometimes. I hate that he always asks questions that are hard to answer. It kind of makes me wonder if he got us on the wrong bus on purpose. I go back to staring out the window at the people we pass by. I hate it when he's right.


	20. White Mocha Latte -September 2015-

=New York, New York=

-Ryan Ross, Age 28- 

I'm ashamed of myself to say the least. I let myself spiral back into depression. I let losing Brendon turn me into someone I don't like. As I stand looking into the mirror the mess of a man that looks back at me makes me sick. My hair is to long and its a greasy mess, I need to shower and shave. I promised Spenser I'd come visit him soon and I can't show up looking like this, he'd kick my butt into the next universe! Well actually that would kind of work out for me. The fact that my own thoughts make me laugh prove that I've spent way to much time without human contact.

I head to my bathroom and slip off my sweat pants. I haven't paid any bills in a while so I'm not really looking forward to this dark cold shower but its definitely over do. Besides its not like its the first one I've ever taken. Hot water was a luxury for me growing up, Spenser used to tease me for how long I spent in the bath when I stayed at his house. He didn't know the truth back then. Now he always makes sure he has bubble bath and a lot of hot water when I go to stay with him. We don't talk about my home life growing up, but he'll do simple things for me, like make me breakfast or complain that I'm not eating enough. He's kind of acts like he's my mom sometimes, of course last time I pointed it out he sat on me and threatened to fart til I took it back, jerk.

The memories make me smile as I step under the spray of icey water. I'm actually kind of surprised the water even still turns on. Maybe it was included with the rent? I can't really remember, it's been a long time since I signed the lease for this place and I never really read it over.

I wash my hair quickly and get out of the shower wrapping a towel around my waist before I step up to the mirror and take my razor out of the medicine cabinet getting to work on shaving away the scruffy beard thats started to grow. I've got bags under my eyes that I know I wont be able to get rid of but a night of sleeping in a real bed with recently washed sheets will definitely help.

Packing my bag is quick, I just throw in some clothes and my computer, I haven't been able to use it for a while but I figure I can charge it up at Spenser's and try and get another job. I need to get some money before I end up on the street. I wonder briefly if the break up effected Brendon as much as it did me but I know I can't let myself dwell on it right now. I need to use what little strength I have left to get myself to Spenser's before I have another breakdown.

I grab my change jar off my nightstand and count out enough money for a coffee. I need to get some energy or I'll sleep past my stop on the train again. After double checking that I have everything I leave the apartment and lock the door behind me before I start walking. I stop across the street from the starbucks and watch it for a moment. It feels like my heart tightens in my chest and it becomes harder to breath but I manage to make myself cross the road and head inside.

I don't look around the room, I keep my eyes down and get in line. I know it will hurt a lot to see that chair empty, or maybe with some total stranger in it, either way it will always bring back these feelings of loneliness. It will always be the chair that Brendon was supposed to be in. I order my coffee when its my turn and ignore the barista's annoyed look as I hand him my change.

It's taking all my willpower now to not look at the chair, to not remind myself of the heartbreak all over again. But I'm not as strong as I'd like to think, I can't get rid of the tiny sliver of hope that's burrowed itself deep into my mind. There are to many what ifs bouncing around in my head and I need to silence them all. I need a cold dose of reality. So I look up, I let my eyes travel across the room and come to rest on the brown arm chair.

My heart definitely stopps for a second, the chair isn't empty. My eyes are probably the size of saucers and I think I might faint. His dark hair is slicked back and his big brown eyes stare down at a computer screen from behind a pair of glasses. Brendon. It's Brendon.

"Ryan?" The Barista calls out my name and makes me jump as he sets my drink down.

"Um... That brown chair over there... There's a man sitting on it right?" I ask the barista nervously. I have to make sure I'm not going crazy.

"Yeah there is..?" The look on his face says he definitely thinks I'm crazy but I don't care because it's Brendon. He's here. I hurry across the room, ignoring the Barista as he asks if I still want my coffee. I stop in front of Brendon and look down at him. I almost want to start crying. "Brendon." His name rolls off my lips and it tastes so sweet to say it after so long.

"Excuse me?" He looks up at me and I can't resist any longer. I place my hands on his cheeks and lean down pressing my lips to his. Brendon, I'm kissing Bre-

"What the hell man!" Brendon pushes me away from him and gets to his feet. I stumble a few steps back but manage to catch myself before I fall. I look him over and get a sinking feeling in my stomach. It's not Brendon. This man is different. He looks so much like him but his hair is long, it's not slicked back it's pulled back in a bun and he's wearing a suit that looks like it was made just for him. Brendon hates suits. I should have known.

"I..." I take a deep breath trying to fight back the tears. "Sorry I... I thought you were... someone else." I mumble.

"Do you go around kissing every one that looks like someone you know?" He's angry at me. Even his voice is the same as Brendon's, it hurts. The Brendon look alike takes a deep breath and adjusts his glasses on his face. "What's your name?" He asks.

"Ryan... I am sorry."

"Look Ryan, since I'm in a good mood, I'll forget this ever happened. Just stop kissing strangers like that okay?" He says. I feel like a child being scolded and I just want to curl up in a corner and die. I can't believe I got so close to escaping this depression just to be violently tossed back into it. I should have prepared for this. Should have seen it coming. There was someone who looked like me in Brendon's universe so it makes sense that he would have a look alike here. I'm an idiot.

I turn away from him and hurry out of the building quickly as the tears break free. I fall against a wall a bit down the road and pull my knees up to my chest. I shouldn't have gone to get coffee. I should have just gone straight to Spenser's. Now it feels like the bandaid has been ripped off a wound that hadn't even come close to healing. I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial in the familiar number. I know he wont answer, but at least I can hear his voice on his voicemail.

"I'm sorry the number you are trying to reach is no longer in service. Please hang up and try your call again." The automated voice is like another needle in my heart. I throw my phone as hard as I can and wrap my arms around my knees. I really need a hug right now.

"Is this yours?" I look up at the sound of his voice and see the not Brendon man standing in front of me, my phone in his outstretched hand with its alarm playing. I should have turned that off when I lost my job

"Not anymore..." I get to my feet using the wall to suport myself. "Just toss it or something." That phone, it's what started everything. If I had never opened those packages then I never would have met Brendon and I wouldn't be feeling this pain.

"You're going to throw away a phone? Why don't you just keep it?" Not Brendon reaches out and grabs my hand placing the phone in my palm. Can't he see that he's torturing me?

"It's useless to me now." I silence the alarm and stare at the background. It's still a picture of Brendon. He's laying shirtless in his bed blowing a kiss at the camera. He'd skype me every night to blow me a good night kiss.

"Nothing is useless." Not Brendon calls over his shoulder. He's almost to his car now. Why can't he just leave.

"I can't talk to him anymore. So I don't need it." I let it drop onto the ground, the screen cracking in the corner. I turn around and start to walk back to my apartment as the tears start to fall. It's not fair.


	21. Appleanche -September 2015-

=Los Angeles, California=

-Brendon Urie, Age 28-

I am absolutely exhausted. As soon as we get to Pete's house I drop my bags onto the floor and fall onto the couch. We're staying with Pete's parents until everythings settled with his new apartment. Fame must have gotten to his head or something because he actually hired an interior designer to get it ready for him to move into. Of course it might also be because Patrick agreed to be his roommate.

"I want sleeeeeppppp" I whine, pressing my face into a pillow.

"That's not what you said last night." Pete teases as he drops his bags next to mine. Last night Pete insisted that we all party to celebrate the end of the tour. I can't remember the last time I drank as much as I did last night and I don't want to think about the fact that I've only had three hours of sleep.

"Moooommmm Brenny told me to shut up." Pete whines. You'd never guess he was a grown man with how he acts most of the time.

"Peter you haven't even been home for five minutes and you're already causing trouble. You are not to old for me to ground." Mommy Dale scolds him from the kitchen.

"But mama" Pete pouts. Suddenly he throws himself down on top of me and knocks the breath out of me.

"Oh god, you're too fat. Patrick heeeeelllllpppp" I call out. The singer disappeared as soon as we stepped into the house, probably to hibernate.

"Peter." Patrick's voice comes from upstairs, definitely going to sleep.

"Pattycake!" Pete calls back.

"Leave Brendon alone." He tells him.

"We're just cuddling."

"Suffocating." I correct him.

"I'm going to sleep in your bed." Patrick announces. Pete's eyes light up and he sits up. I open my mouth to speak but Pete covers it with his hand before I get the chance to get anything out. I try to pull his hand away but he doesn't budge so I lick his palm, I'm probably gonna have to rinse my mouth out with hand sanitizer.

"Eeeewww" Pete yells wiping his hand off on the couch.

"That's what you get for making me sleep on the couch." I tell him pretending to pout. We decided it would be better if Patrick slept in Pete's room. He gets really cranky if he doesn't get a good nights sleep and Pete clings like a koala when he sleeps, it's awkward but Patrick can sleep through it easily.

"I wasn't going to make my pattycake sleep on the couch."

"You just want to get away with molesting him in his sleep."

"Who says he's gonna be asleep?" Pete winks and hops off of me then bounds up the stairs. He's such a dork, I don't know how he does it but he can be super annoying yet lovable at the same time. He's probably cast some sort of spell on everyone.

I pull the afgan off the back of the couch and roll up in it. I am exhausted beyond belief. "I am a beautiful butteryfly" I mumble laughing to myself.

"Brendon You have better had a shower and put on clean clothes before you got on my couch." Dale says coming into the living room. I definitely haven't, I probably smell like a high school locker room.

"uuummm" I try to think of a way to stall.

"Brendon."

"Sorry mommy!" I jump off the couch tripping over the blanket and scurry upstairs to Pete's bathroom. I have to dig through the drawers to find the soap and I can hear him and Patrick talking through the walls even though I'm trying to ignore it.

"Home sweet home." Pete's voice is followed by a loud creak from his bed, probably as he falls into it.

"Bed sweet bed" Patrick says.

"This is your home too." Pete tells him. Pete says they aren't actually together but somehow I doubt that.

"It's always been my home. Now shush."

"Night sweet pea." I turn on the shower so I can't hear them anymore and get into the shower, letting the hot water wash away the grime from months on the road. I stay in the shower for a long time and I feel a bit bad that I used all the hot water but I'm sure it'll be back by the time Pete wakes up and wants to take one.

By the time I get out I'm not as tired as I was before so I wrap a towel around my waist and sneak into Pete's room, stealing some clean clothes out of his closet and putting them on. Like I expected both of them are asleep in Pete's bed, ignoring the extra one in his room, Pete's arms are wrapped around Patrick's waist and his head is on his chest. I sneak a picture of them before I head back downstairs.

"Mommy I'm not tired anymore." I tell Dale as I come into the kitchen.

"Good then you can run errands for me." She says with a smile.

"Of course." It'll be nice to do something normal for once. Dale hands me a sheet of paper with a list of groceries written on it and the keys to her car, of course it's more grocery shopping. At least I'm getting real food instead of a shit ton of tofurkey pockets and poptarts. Like apples, apples are on this grocery list. I can definitely buy apples. I say goodbye to Dale and head out to her car getting behind the wheel.

I don't like to drive that often. I was nearly twenty five before I managed to get up the courage to get my drivers license. I did it so I could drive to see Ryan. I did a lot of things for him. I shake the thoughts from my head and start to drive to the grocery store not far from the neighborhood. It's weird to be here, so close to my own family and knowing I'm not going to see them. They haven't spoken a word to me in a long time. I miss them but I know they'll never accept me for who I am.

The grocery store doesn't seem to be to busy right now and I'm able to park close to the doors. I grab a cart on my way in and start to walk through the aisles grabbing a the things on the list as I pass them. The produce section is last, I need to grab apples, lettuce, grapes and cherries. It looks like they've just stocked to produce or something because the apples all sit neatly stacked in their section and it looks a little dangerous. I'm not sure which one to grab safely.

My guess was wrong, I pulled one out of the pile and all the apples start to fall to the floor. I kneel down and start to pick them up, greatful that there's only one other person in the area. The other man walks over and kneels down as well helping me pick them up.

"Thanks." I tell him. He looks at me then stands up and starts to put them back on the pile.

"You're welcome. It's a sad day when fruit rebel." He says.

"Long live the fruit." I say putting them back and getting a bag for the ones I need to buy.

"The apple you took used the force." He says with a chuckle. He's not that bad looking now that I'm taking the time to actually look at him. His messy brown hair is pushed back from his face and he's got a bit of stubbly on his chin. His eyes are bright blue and really stunning.

"It must have been the dark side." I say.

"Ah! Speak star wars do you!?" His eyes light up and he smiles, I kind of want to give him a big hug.

"Indeed the force is strong with this one."

"It's so refreshing to talk to someone who gets my references." He finishes putting the apples back into the bin then turns back to face me.

"You know what this means right?" I ask him.

"I'm not the only young star wars geek in los angeles?" He asks tilting his head to the side.

"Nope. It means we must battle."

"Battle?" He seems to consider it for a moment then takes a step back, "This is not the droid you're looking for.

"Well I don't have my lightsaber with me right now." I laugh.

"I don't have mine either... It's apparently not an 'approriate object ot have at work'" He says making air quotations with his fingers.

"Total bullshit. You need a new job." I tell him.

"Hmm but I get paid really well and there are a crap ton of hot people."

"Good reasons. I think I work with some hot people too. But I was in a relationship for so long that I've stopped paying attention to peoples looks."

"Oh. That's too bad. Ah! Speaking of work!" He grabs a bag of lemons and a bag of oranges out of the bins, "I have to get back." He takes a card out of his pocket and presses it into my hand before hurrying to the front to check out. I watch him for a second then look down at the card in my hand. It's a coupon for a free drink at a local night club. I think I might have to go out sometime soon.

As I finish my shopping I can't help but think about him, for some reason I feel like I know him from somewhere, maybe from when I was younger or maybe I ran into him at a concert somewhere. I can't really place my finger on it. I'll have to figure it out next time I see him. Maybe If I can get his name I'll have some idea.


	22. Monkey see -September 2015-

=New York, New York=

-Ryan Ross, Age 28-

I'm torturing myself. I know it. I've been to the coffee shop the past three days. Sitting in the chair and waiting. Spenser probably thinks I've been murdered or something. I haven't been able to contact him. I was supposed to show up at his house three days ago and I couldn't bring myself to leave now that I've made this discovery. That man comes back every day to buy coffee, I couldn't sleep last night so today I got here as soon as they opened and I'll probably be here most of the day. I don't have anymore money for coffee so I'm sure today will be my last day. It's probably for the best. I'm getting kinda creepy waiting here for him to show up.

He comes in around eight, wearing a custom fit suit with his hair tied back like usual. The only thing different is the small boy he's carrying in his arms. A kid, he has a kid. Of course he does. He's probably married. That's why he got so mad when I kissed him. He's happy in this universe. Happy without me just like my Brendon.

"We have to get flowers for your mom." The man says. I don't mean to easedrop but it's pretty quite in here this morning so it's not really my fault. "And your grandparents will want to take you to lunch today. Will you be okay without me?" He asks. The boy has messy brown hair that sticks up all over the place and he's hugging a stuffed monkey tightly in his arms. He can't be much older than three or four.

"No." He says puffing up his cheeks and wrapping his arms around his fathers neck.

"But it's grandma and grandpa. You love playing with them." He tries to convince the child but it doesn't really work, he just continues to cling to his dad. "I'll stay alright." He says with a sigh, "But they still want to spend time with you." The boy nods and presses his face into his fathers jacket.

"It'll be okay." Not Brendon says as he rubs the boys back. It's strange seeing him like this. He looks so much like my Brendon but he's different too. Brendon loves kids but he doesn't want any of his own yet and most of the time he doesn't really have the patience for it. He gets frustrated easily.

"Dada stay forever" The child's voice is muffled but its still loud enough for me to hear.

"Yeah Kiddo." The man says as he presses a kiss to the top of his head. He steps up to the counter and orders two drinks, a coffee for himself and a hot chocolate for the boy. He shifts his son to one arm and takes the drink holder when they're ready and heads for the door. I don't think I'll come here anymore. Not having the money aside it's just going to hurt more. Especially if his wife ever comes in with him.

"Monkey." The boy cries out as his stuffed animal falls to the ground.

"Dang it..." The man mumbles. He looks around the room a bit. Hesitantly I get up and go over to them. I pick the monkey up off the ground and hold it out to him. He looks at me and judging by the sigh he lets out he definitely recognizes me.

"Thanks." He says. I give the monkey back to the child then turn and head outside. I'll go to Spenser's now, he's definitely going to be worried about me and I need to get out of the city. I walk to the road and lean against the sign for the bus stop shoving my hands deep into my pockets.

"Hey." I'll never forget that voice it's definitely Brendon, well not Brendon, I should probably learn his name. I look over and see him standing next to his car. "Need a lift?" He asks. My heart skips a beat as I stare at him. Why would he offer me a ride?

"I... Is that.. Is that okay?" I ask him. I don't want to get my hopes up.

"I wouldn't be offering if it wasn't." He shrugs.

"Um... Okay." I walk over to his car, way to many thoughts swirling around in my head to make sense of any of them. He opens the passenger side door for me and watches as I approach. I can feel my face heat up as I climb in, he looks to much like Brendon.

"Hold this." He says handing me the drink holder with their drinks in it. I just nod and wait while he goes around the car and gets in the drivers seat. "Where are you headed?" He asks as he starts the car.

"Um... Train station." I sound nervous.

"Going on a trip?" He asks looking over at me. God I don't know if I can remember how to do small talk.

"Maybe... I um... I don't know if I have any rides left on my transit card." I admit. Spenser said to call him and he'd pay for the ticket but since I got rid of my phone that's out of the question. Maybe I can get enough coins to call him on a payphone or borrow someones phone. "My friend lives upstate... I haven't seen him in a while." I explain to him.

"I see." He starts to drive reaching over to take his coffee after a few minutes. "About the other day..."

"I'm sorry." I say quickly. I should have known it would come up. I just kissed him out of the blue, obviously he'd want a better explaination.

"Why did you do it?" I really didn't want him to ask but I owe him.

"You look like my boyfriend... well my ex... I guess" The car jerks to a stop suddenly and he turns his head to look at me. I can feel my cheeks burning.

"Sorry..." I have to keep apologizing to him. I should have stayed away from the coffee shop.

"I'm sorry." He says shaking his head. I take my wallet out of my pocket and look through it. It's empty of money but I always keep a picture of Brendon in here. I pull it out and hold it out to him so he can see.

"Holy shit." He says staring at the picture.

"He was... he was supposed to be waiting in that chair... and I saw you sitting there."

"I see..."

"I just... I knew it wasn't possible but I thought..." I don't know what I thought. I thought that somehow the universe was finally giving me something good.

"I'm sorry to disappoint." He says as he starts driving again. "I'm not him."

"No... I know... I'm just stupid."

"You're not stupid, not for that anyway. I used to see my girlfriend everywhere. Even though she was definitely not there." Girlfriend? Does that mean he's not married... and wait why was she not there? I shouldn't dwell to much on it...

"Yeah... Honestly..." I close my eyes and play with my seat belt. I dont know why I feel the need to tell him these things. "I've never met him in person... so to think you were him... I should have known better."

"Wait, you never met him in person?" He probably thinks I'm crazy.

"He... He lieves in California..."

"Then why not go there?" I can't tell him the truth. He'd think I was crazy and kick me out of his car.

"I've tried... It just doesn't work out and now we're done so..." We sit in silence for a while. I can't decide if I'm annoyed by the early morning traffic or thankful for it. "Just waster all this time..." I sigh.

"Were you happy?" He asks suddenly.

"I was... I thought he was too. I haven't felt this lonely in a long time... He won't take my calls or answer my emails. I waited ten years to be with him and it won't ever happen. I've never even been with anyone else." I really should stop talking.

"Ten years? Geez... What a jerk."

"No he's... he's amazing and so sweet and talented.... He was hurting so much... I don't want to cause him anymore pain and letting him go... thats the best way."

"If you say so.... If I waited ten years for someone I damn sure would have loved them and no matter what I would want to stay with them. Even if it was through technology."

"Even if you knew you couldn't ever see them..? Could never hold them?"

"Even then. Because I loved them." He looks like Brendon, but he's definitely different. He's more mature.

"I miss him..." I admit softly.

"It'll be hard for a while, but it gets better or so I hear." He reaches over and pats my head gently. I shouldn't ask this... but I really want it right now.

"I... you can say no... but is it okay if I hold your hand? Just for a little bit?" I ask hesitantly.

"Fine, but just for a bit." He says. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I take his hand in mind and hold it tight, our hands fit together perfectly.

"Thank you." I say.

"Yeah yeah..." He stares ahead focusing at the road. It's stupid, I know he doesn't have feelings for me, but it's nice. He brushes his thumb over my knuckles and I'm definitely sure that my heart has exploded. We get to the train station much to soon and he pulls to the side of the road.

"Here we are..." He says. I stare out the window for a second before I let go of his hand.

"Thank you..." I tell him. I glance in the back to say good bye to his kid but the little boy is sound asleep in his car seat. I let go of his hand reluctantly and get out of the car. He waves at me before driving away. I watch the car and stick my hands in my pockets. I'll spend a few days with Spenser, that will help me get my head back on straight.


	23. Night on the town -September 2015-

=Los Angeles, California=

-Brendon Urie, Age 28-

"You're squishing me!" I whine trying to wiggle out from underneath Pete, his habit of sitting on me is getting really annoying.

"I missed you."

"You're too fat."

"There's just more of me to love."

"Crushing my innards."

"No. Got any candy?" Pete asks. He searches my pockets without paying any attention to me. He's lucky I love him or I'd kick his butt into next week. I've been home for a few hours now. I put away all the groceries and then laid on the couch to relax. While I miss travelling its nice to have this time to relax. I've done a good job about not letting my mind wander to much so far.

"I'm being violated." I tell him. Dumb Patrick has to still be hibernating. I could really use a rescue right now, maybe I'll go crash with Jonn for a few days.

"What's this?" Pete asks. I look up at him to see he's got the card the man at the grocery store gave me in his hand and he's examining it like it'll reveal the secrets of the universe. I think he's getting to old, he needs glasses to see anything.

"I made a friend and he gave it to me." I tell him trying to grab it back. He holds it away from me.

"A boooyyyyffffrrrriiiiieeeennnndddd?" Pete asks.

"No" I shove him off me and get to my feet dusting my clothes off.

"Oh Brenny I was just joking." He says softly.

"It's to soon alright."

"It's been a couple months now..."

"I was with him for ten fucking years."

"Then why did you end it?"

"So he could be happy!" I yell. I didn't mean to snap at him, I just don't want to be thinking about this right now.

"Hey..." Pete gets up and hugs me. "I'm sorry Bren. I get it alright."

"Yeah..." I lean against him and close my eyes. I think about music and starting a band, I think about the people I met on tour and try to remember all the names and faces. I count as high as I can in french just trying to think about anything but Ryan.

"Now let's go to this club and get you wasted huh?" Pete asks patting my back with his grin back on his face.

"Fine." I roll my eyes and move back.

"Sweet! Get ready. I'll call Joe and see if he wants to meet us there." Pete says before he runs up the stairs to go get ready. I hope he remembers to be quiet. He'll probably lose his skin if he wakes Patrick up.

Pete always takes at least an hour to get ready to go anywhere so I know I have time to kill. It's probably a bad idea but I can't resist it. I take out my phone and open the folder that I keep all the pictures Ryan sent me in and scroll through them. I miss him.

"Get in loser we're going clubbing." Pete says as he slides down the railing of the stairs.

"It doesn't work if you're not in a car." I tell him, standing up and putting my phone away before he gets suspicious. He just shrugs his shoulders and heads outside getting into his car. I follow him and get in the passenger seat buckling myself in.

"Joey is gonna meet us at the club if he can get Andy out of bed."

"Designated driver?" I ask. Andy is a great guy. I always feel safer when he's behind the wheel. .

"Yup."

"You're still sober aren't you?"

"Three years. Don't worry Brenny I wont fall off the wagon. But I'm running on empty already and I wanna dance the night away so I'm gonna need Andy to carry me home when I pass out."

"You're weird."

"You love it."

"Definitely not." Pete just grins at me as he continues to drive, we manage to make it to the club in good time and get out of the car at the valet. Pete hands over his keys and then walks up to the bouncer, ignoring the line of people waiting to get in. Sometimes his fame can come in handy. It only takes a minute for him to convince them to let us in and we're able to make it inside the club.

It's packed in here, lights flash in time with the music and the room hums with energy as everyone enjoys themselves. Its only a matter of seconds before I lose Pete in the crowd of bodies but I don't really mind. He always has a way of appearing and disappearing randomly when we go places like this. I decide to cash in on my free drink before I start dancing and push my way to the bar.

The man from the grocery store is behind it making drinks for people. He's wearing a white button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a black vest. It looks good on him. He catches sight of me and his eyes light up as he makes his way over.

"Apple guy!" He yells over the sound of the crowd. "I didn't think you would visit so soon."

"Apparently my friends think I need to get out more." I lean on the bar so he can hear me better and he does the same.

"Well, I'm glad they think so. Let's get you a drink shall we."

"Sounds good to me. Hey I have a question. Do I know you from somewhere? You look really familiar."

"I do?"

"Yeah... I can't put my finger on it though. Been to any concerts lately?"

"Definitely not. I'm such a shut in. Besides work and places for errands I don't really go to too many places."

"Hmm Well what's your name? Maybe that will help me remember."

"Spencer Smith." I freeze, my eyes going wide. He's Spenser. Ryan's Spenser, no not just Ryan's Spenser. I remember now. All those years ago, I went to George's funeral. He was there. He sat in the front row, he looked like he was falling apart. I killed his best friend. "What?" He asks tilting his head to the side. He doesn't recognize me.

"I um... Nothing. I can't figure it out." I lie, "How about that drink?" The universe seriously has it out for me.

"Right." He looks at me suspiciously then places a drink list in front of me. "Pick your poison."

"Um... Why don't you surprise me?"

"Alright" He grabs a glass and starts to make a drink, making a show of it. I watch him as he flips bottles through the air and pours them perfectly into the glass. He's clearly gotten the attention of a lot of men and women, they gather around the bar watching him.

"Here you are." He says placing the drink in front of me and flashing me a smile.

"Thanks Spencer."

"You're welcome... Oh wait I haven't asked your name."

"I'm Brendon."

"You're welcome Brendon." He says then goes back to helping the other patrons. I down my drink quickly and leave the glass on the bar with the drink coupon he'd given me earlier and make my way to the dance floor. I let myself get lost in the music. I have to keep myself from thinking.

Its not long before Pete pops up next to me just like I'd expected him to. "Joe the Fro texted me that he's here!" He yells, "I've been looking for him but I can't find him!"

"That's because you're a shrimp puff" I tease him.

"Jooooeeeee fffffrrrroooooO" He yells leaning against me. If I didn't know better I'd think he was drunk.

"You need help." I tell him.

"I need some Patrick lovin" He laughs. I catch a glimpse of curls and make Pete stand up straight.

'I think I saw some curls this way." I tell him before starting to make my way through the crowd. Pete disappears again and I stop for a moment to look around. Unfortunately he's to short for me to spot him in this crowd so I keep looking for Joe. I've just reached him when it dawns on me. Pete can't go near that bar. Spencer will definitely recognize him. His face was all over the local papers when he was arrested and he had to make an apology to the family. I grab Joe's arm and start to push my way back to the bar as quickly as I can.

"You took him... you took him from me..." We make it to the bar just in time. Spencer's definitely recognized Pete. He stands with his hands balled in fists and tears falling down his face. "You took him away from me! Give him back!" Spencer yells. He grabs the glass closest to him and throws it at Pete, I grab his shirt and pull him back away from it. Another bartender rushes over and grabs Spencer holding him back.

"Get to the car Pete." I tell him pushing him towards Joe.

"What the hell?"

"He was George's friend."

"What...? Oh... Oh shit." Pete says as he realizes what I just told him. Him and Joe make their way out of the bar and I turn back to see the bartender pulling Spencer to the back room.

I can't stand this... I hate myself. How could I let Pete get away with taking the blame... He'll never escape that. People will find out and it'll cause problems for his band. I need to do something. I need to start making this right. I wait until the bartenders are busy making people's drinks and slip through the door to the back. I check rooms until I find what appears to be a break room. Spencer sits on a bench with a beer in his hands, crying. I take a deep breath before stepping into the room and walking over to him.

"H... Hey."

"What?" He asks looking up with me. His eyes are filled with so much sorrow that it makes me want to cry for him.

"Sorry... I just... Wanted to make sure you're okay."

"Peachy." He says before chugging his beer and taking out another one. I sit down next to him unsure of what to say. "I hate him." He says after a moment.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize for him. Just... Don't." He opens the beer and takes a long swig.

"I was... I was at the funeral." I want to tell him the truth... I want him to hate me instead of Pete. I take the beer from his hand and finish it off

"I should have thrown something sharper."

"Spencer..."

"Sorry... I... I shouldn't say that... That wouldn't bring Georgie back... It won't... It won't give me back my time..." His voice breaks and he holds his head in his hands. "But it makes me feel better.... I'm a terrible person..."

"No... You're not." I put the can down on the ground and place my hand on his back.

"I've killed him in my head more times than I can even count. I've done things... That Georgie would be upset about. If I had gone... Maybe... Maybe he would..."

"It's my fault. It was my house... My parents car..." I was driving.

"You're not the one that ook him out..." He gets another beer out. "I was so busy getting ready for the next day... Ironic... The universe has a cruel way of stating things." Well he's not wrong about that.

"What was going to happen the next day?"

"I was going to tell him I loved him..."

"O... Oh."

"It was stupid... If I had just told him and took the rejection... At least I would have had something. Now I'll never know. I wasted all that time being scared of rejection... and in the end I lost my chance."

"I... I don't think he would have rejected you... I mean... He liked guys..."

"That just makes it worse." He sighs. "I don't want to talk about this anymore..." He stands up swaying a bit and shakes his head. "I need to get back to work before I get fired... Don't get caught back here." He says before walking out. I sit there for a moment longer. I should have done more. I should have figured some way to help him.

I sneak back out of the backroom and go outside. Pete, Joe and Andy are already in the car waiting for me. I climb into the back and close my eyes pressing my forehead against the cool glass.

"Bren?" Pete says from the passenger seat.

"Don't... Not right now okay..."

"Alright..." He sighs. I take my phone from my pocket and stare at it for a moment. I dial the familiar number and press call, holding it to my ear.

"I'm sorry the number you are trying to reach is no longer in service. Please hang up or try your call again." The robotic operators voice is cold and it feels like an arrow in my heart. I need Ryan right now. I need him to tell me everything is okay and I can't get through to him. I need him to tell me how I can help Spencer get better.


	24. Looking up -October 2015-

=New York, New York=  
-Ryan Ross, age 28-

Three days with Spenser was perfect. I feel relaxed now, Jon and Spenser kept me upbeat. They're really funny together. It's cute, they're thinking about adopting. I hope they do because they'd be great dads and I'd get to be a god father to an adorable baby. Spenser made me promise to come see him more often and they both paid for my train tickets. I hope they get married soon. Spenser has found someone that makes him happy and I couldn't be happier for him.

Things got a little worse when I got back home. I found a note on my door telling me I had to be out at the end of the month if my rent wasn't paid in full. I need to find a new job and soon. I can't afford to find a new apartment. I can't afford this apartment. I haven't paid any bills and I've only got a couple hundred dollars left in my account. No where near enough to pay rent and keep food in my belly. Maybe if I sell a few things I can get closer to having enough.

I put my bag in my room and take out my computer bag, packing it up and heading back out. I go to the coffee shop and sit in a corner plugging my computer in so I can use it to start looking for new jobs. I'll have to get a phone again. Maybe a cheap one from the gas station or something.

"He what? Well you have to fire him. I'm sure we can find someone else." I look up as soon as I hear his voice. He's here again, getting in line for coffee with his phone pressed to his ear. He really really looks good in a suit. "Assistants aren't that hard to find. There are probably hundred of applications in the office, if not then just put in an ad." He gets his coffee and pays for it then heads for the door.

I Wonder where he works. Maybe I could get him to give me that job. I could really use it. At this point I'll pretty much take any job and being an assistant doesn't sound that bad, I could do it. The only question is would he actually want me working with him, or for him. The couple times we've actually talked I probably left a really weird impression. I wouldn't be surprised if he ran away the second I talked to him, but if he thought I was crazy.... would he have let me hold his hand? I know that the only way to find out will be to ask. I take a deep breath and get to my feet, hurrying to catch up with him as he heads out the door.

"Hey um..." Shoot, I never asked him his name. I want to call him Brendon but he could get offended if its wrong. It doesn't matter anyway because he stops and turns back to look at me. His eyes catch mine and it makes my heart do something really weird in my chest. Him looking like Brendon is really going to drive me crazy.

"You um... I... I um..." He definitely thinks I'm crazy now if he didn't before, "I didn't mean to overhear but... I was just looking for a new job and you said you need to hire someone new...." He gets a thoughtful expression on his face and he looks me over, I feel really self-conscious all of a sudden. I don't think I look to bad. I washed my hair, my jeans are a little baggy though.

"What are your skills?" He asks suddenly.

"I um..." I am not prepared to be an adult right now, "I'm good with people. I've been a waiter for a long time but I've worked a lot of other jobs too...." What would make me a good assistant? "I worked at a library answering phones and organizing and stuff." stuff is a great word. He starts to walk away and I'm positive that he's running away from me. I look down at the ground and let out a sigh. It's going to be hard for me to find a new job that will actually pay. I'm way to awkward when it comes to interviews.

"Be there by eleven tomorrow for an interview." I look up and find him standing in front of me. He has a business card in his hand and a small smile on his face. If I was anymore of a teenaged girl I'd probably swoon or something. Somehow I manage to keep my hand from shaking as I take the card from him.

"Really?" Maybe I fainted and this is all just a dream.

"Yeah. Don't be late." He says.

"I won't" I definitely can not mess this up. He gets in his car and drives away and I take a deep breath before looking at the card in my hand.

 _**Starway enterprises** _  
_**Director of entertainment affiliations** _  
_**Eddy B Urie** _

Eddy, his name is Eddy. I put the card in my wallet and tuck it back into my pocket with a smile on my face. I hope that I'll be able to see Eddy again tomorrow.


	25. A begining -October 2015-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the long awaited return of The longest distance! Thank you all for sticking with me over the past two months. This chapter isn't the longest but I wanted to start getting things out as quickly as I could. I've finished the story I just need to get it all edited and posted so soon i'll be updating fast. I hope you all enjoy and thank you again for your patience.

 =Los Angeles, California=

 -Brendon Urie, age 28-

I don't sleep well, half the night I spend tossing and turning as thoughts of George and Spence plague my mind. I killed George, his blood is on my hands. But I didn't just take one life that night. I know I didn't I just tried not to think about it. His mother, his father, I remember the way she sobbed and he pretended that it was raindrops falling on his face. I remember the boy, Spencer. I remember him falling apart as he tried to give a speech. Now I understand. I took away his love.

I try to call Ryan again and again but I can't get through. Whatever connection we had between the universes must be gone now. But why? Why were we given the means to communicate if it was just going to be ripped away from us? I don't understand it. Why was Ryan given my number.

In the early hours of the morning I'm finally able to drift into a fitful sleep.

"Rise and shine buttercup." Jonn's voice rouses me from my sleep much to soon and he gives my shoulders a gentle shake.

I'm too exhausted to form words so I mumble something unintelligible into my pillow and swat his hand away.

"Brendon we're going to be late for our own auditions." That's right. I forgot we were supposed to work on starting our band today. "You still want to start a band right?"

"Yeah, yeah." I yawn.

"Then you have to actually get out of bed" he scolds. I'd tell him he sounds like my mother if I wasn't afraid of a smack in the head.

"Fine." I whine, sitting up and stretching my arm above my head.

"You have ten minutes. I'll be in the car." With that he gives me a pat on the back and leaves.

It takes me a minute but I mange to drag myself out of bed and go to my bag. I pull on a pair of black skinny jeans and a red shirt that I'm not entirely sure is clean and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Jonn honks the horn outside so I quickly grab a pop tart from the kitchen pantry and run outside. Jonn smiles at me as I slide into the passenger seat. I try to return it but it comes out forced.

I can't smile when I feel this awful. Seeing Spencer like that reminded me of all the things I'd done wrong in my life. I took away four people's happiness. If I hadn't offered to drive George home that night, things might have been better for them all. Everyone knew what happened. Before Pete had even been sentenced the Ross's had gotten a divorce. At Pete's last parole hearing only Mr. Ross had attended. He said that Mrs. Ross had passed away. I can't shake the feeling that all of that was my fault.

"Are you okay?" Jonn asks me after we've been driving in silence for a while.

"No." I tell him. "I'm not."

 

The next few days pass by slowly, we see audition after audition of bassists and drummers one after another, word has gotten out that Fall Out Bot is backing us (thanks to Pete's big mouth) and it takes forever to weed out the fans from the serious auditions. In the end we pick two people. Dallon Weekes is our new bass player. I'd heard his last band play a few times so I knew he was good. He's kind of nerdy in an endearing way, not to mention he's pretty attractive. Jonn says I practically drooled over him during his audition, but I definitely did not. Okay maybe I stares a bit too much and almost forgot my own name, but that doesn't mean anything.

The other guy is Dan Pawlovich. He's a lot younger than the rest of us but I believe with enough practice he can save the world. No wait, that's the opening to a cartoon. But really he's a little rough but he'll get better in no time and he's pretty cool.

Working with them and Jonn is a good distraction. We meet at the studio four days in a row to practice the songs that I've already put together with Jonn's help and discuss things for the band, like what the heck we're going to name it. I remember back when we were younger Ryan and I used to talk about starting a band. He wanted to call it Panic! at the Disco. I thought it was strange but he loved it. I'd like to use the name, I've already used some of the songs Ry wrote for me. It would only be right to keep the name he wanted. Jonn understands but I can't tell Dallon and Dan the truth behind it with out sounding crazy.

Thinking about Ryan reminds me of Spencer. It's been almost two weeks since that night in the bar. Since I decided I was going to tell him the truth. I've been avoiding it for as long as I could and I know I need to speak to him.

We decide to finish our practice early for once so I borrow a car and head to the bar that Spencer works at. No one is really there yet but the door is open, so I manage to get inside and head towards the bar looking around. There's no sign of Spencer but the other bartender that worked that night is behind the bar.

"Excuse me." I call out to him. He looks at me with a bit of an annoyed look and I realize I interrupted his counting.

"Yes?" he asks.

"Sorry, is Spencer Smith working?"

"Nope, I heard he quit when they called to see why he wasn't showing up."

Shit, seeing Pete must have really screwed things up for him. I haven't find some way to make things right for him.

"Do you were I can find him?"

"Probably another bar... Or getting high in his apartment." The man shrugs his shoulders and goes to return to his counting.

"Do you have his address? It's really important I find him."

"Let me see if I can find it." He added before he headed through the door. I lean against the bar a sense of dread filling me. Spencer could be in trouble, this is my fault. The bartender returns a few minutes later with the address written on it. I take the paper and thank him as I hurry back out to the car. No matter what I have to make things right with Spencer.


	26. Interview -october 2015-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Hey all, I did a little bit of editing today. I thought it was a little weird that Ryan and Brendon where the only ones who's names had differences in the two universes. So from now on in Ryan's universe Spencer's name will be spelled 'Spenser' and In Brendon's universe Jon's name is 'Jonn' (cause spelling it John just feels weird.) ******

=New York, New York=

-Ryan Ross, age 28-

Starway enterprises is a lot bigger of a company than I expected. After Eddy left I went back into the coffee shop and did some research. They manage tons of different celebrities and bands. Pretty much every musician that I've ever wanted to be has been a part of Starway at some point in their career. Eddy's name is all over the articles about the company to, its amazing how much his face and name show up. I'm surprised I've never seen him anywhere before. Then again I've been so tied up in California and Brendon's life that I never paid attention to much here in New York.

Though I tried to search for it I couldn't find anything about Eddy's wife or son. When he gave me a ride he mentioned a girlfriend. Maybe he wasn't actually married, or maybe she's an ex. Thinking about him so much is driving me crazy. I'm still in love with Brendon and Eddy looks just like him, I know that’s the reason I'm so attracted to him. Not because he's offering me a chance to get my life back on track, not because he took the time to drive me to the train station when he didn't even know me. I was just some weird guy that kissed him randomly. He's a really good guy. Okay... so maybe my attraction to him is a little more than his looks but nothing can happen between us. I'm not over Brendon yet. I don't think I'll ever be over Brendon.

Today is the day that I'm supposed to go to the company to interview for the position. This job is better than anything I've had in the past and I really can't blow it. I spend nearly two hours choosing what to wear and force myself to take another icey shower. There's not a lot I can do with my hair since I don't have any electricity for the blow dryer but I manage to make it look somewhat presentable before heading out to the address on the card. The subway isn't too horrible for once and I manage to make it there with twenty minutes to spare.

Even after everything I read I still wasn’t expecting the metallic looking skyscraper that stood on the address, but there at the top was the Starway logo, a line that looks to be a mile long stretches out the front door and I'm afraid that it's going to be the line for interviews. I've got no experience or proper education. They won't hire me if I have to go against all these people. I consider turning around and leaving then and there but suddenly a side door opens and Eddy steps out with a smile on his face, like he knew I'd be there. He waves me over and I walk to him.

"Hi Eddy."

"Hey, come in this way, that line is for auditions." I'm really thankful for that but I'm sure there's still going to be competition a lot better than me. I wouldn't even have an interview if I had not had the courage to ask Eddy for it.

"Okay" I tell him as he heads into the building. I follow behind him and have to remind myself over and over not to stare at his butt. In my defense it's a really nice butt. We pass the desk that the people are waiting in line for and head to a security door that Eddy has to scan an Id card to get through. He holds the door open and motions for me to go through.

"There's usually a couple celebrities around the building, so if you see someone try not to freak out." He says as he places his hand on my arm and leads me down a marble hallway.

"I haven't paid much attention to any of that recently."

"That's going to have to change. You'll need to know everything about everybody under and above you."

"I can do that. I'm good with memorizing facts." I promise him.

"Good." He stops in front of a large mahogany door and turns to look at me. "Now, these guys will belittle you and be complete asses but I'll be right beside you and if you feel it's too much we'll find something else for you." It's kind of cute that he wants to protect me from them. He really is a good guy.

"I'm used to stuff like that." Oops, that was supposed to stay in my head and judging by the frown on his face now I really shouldn't have said anything. He watches me for a second then opens the door for me once again.

"After you." He motions for me to head inside. I take a deep breath and go in.

The room is well lit with a long table on one side with several different imporant looking people sitting along it. It's a little weird that all these important people are here to interview an assistant but I guess they want to make sure they're hiring someone who they can trust or maybe they're trying to test how I handle pressure. Either way I'm going to do my best not to blow this. An elderly gentleman in a custom made suit stands up with a smile on his face.

"Eddy! I'm so glad you're here." He says excitedly. I notice how annoyed the other men look. Online it said that it was predicted Eddy would take over the company when the president retired, I guess that must bring him some dislike from the other big bosses. I'm trying not to look at eddy to much but I can hear his shoes tap against the floor as he steps up next to me, then his hand is on my back.

"Hello Mr. Owens. This is Ryan..." He turns his gaze to me and I realize I never told him my last name.

"Ross. Ryan Ross sir."

"And who is he supposed to be?" A man, who looks surprisingly young to have the ugly toupee he has on his head, speaks up.

"He's going to be the new assistant." Eddy announces. Going to be? I thought I was just interviewing for the job. "Seeing as the other one was fired."

"Is he even qualified?" This time it’s a woman who speaks. "He looks like he hasn't done anything related to this position before."

"Or anything slightly as worthy." Another adds. Edd wasn't kidding, these people are assholes. It makes me not want to work here but it's better than anything I'd be able to get on my own and Eddy's gone out of his way to bring me here. The man who stood when we came in, Mr. Owens, seems to be looking me over. It makes me nervous but Eddy's hand on my back helps me to relax a bit.

"He's very skilled and I believe he'll get used to the pace of things quickly." Eddy explains.

"How old are you?" Mr Owens asks.

"Twenty seven sir." I know he's the one I have to impress.

"Do you have a resume?"

"Yes sir." I open my messanger bag and take out the folder that I'd tucked all my information into and hold it out to him. Mr Owens pulls a pair of glasses from his jacket pocket and puts them on before taking the folder and flips through it. The others are talking among themselves and judging by the dirty looks they aren't saying anything nice.

"You've had quite a few jobs."

"Yes sir. I had to help my family out."

"Ever fired?"

"Only once..."

"What for?"

"I was dealing with a personal issue, I took too much sick leave and they decided to just hire someone else."

"Eddy."

"Yes Mr Owens?" Eddy asks. I try not to focus too much on his hand.

"You think He'll be perfect for this position? You and I will be spending most of our time with him." A lot of time with Eddy wouldn't be all that bad.

"I do sir." Eddy is seriously an angel or something.

"Then he's hired!" Mr Owen's announces with a grin.

"You didn't really care about anything you just asked him did you?" Eddy asks with a slightly forced chuckle.

"Not at all. I trust you and your judgement. Now let's all get lunch!" Mr Owens steps closer to us and shakes my hand with both of his own, a big smile on his face. "Welcome to the business Ryan" He lets my hand go then grabs Eddy in a headlock and heads for the door. "Your first task is to go with us for lunch!"

"Okay." I cast a quick glance at the group still seated at the table then hurry to catch up with Mr Owens and Eddy.

"What should we have for lunch? I'm thinking seafood, huh sonny?" Mr Owens looks at Eddy with a smile on his face.

"Sure."

"Bryan do you eat seafood?"

"Yes sir." I respond deciding not to correct him about my name. I need to stay on this guys good side.

"Good, good." Mr Owens is suddenly tossing a PDA over his shoulder that I barely manage to catch. "Send a memo that I'm out to lunch."

Now would probably be a good time to mention how awful I am when it comes to technology but I really need this job so I keep my mouth shut and figure out how to send the message. I'm not even really sure who I'm supposed to be sending it to so I hope I did it right. This guys probably got like the president or someone in his contacts that doesn't need to know that he's going to lunch. I'm so focused on the small device that I almost walk into Eddy before I realize he isn't walking anymore. He's holding open a door for me.

"Thank you Eddy." I say before hurrying out, trying to hide my embarrassment. Mr Owens is walking towards a limo and a driver gets out to open the car door for him. I've never even been this close to a limo and now I'm going to get to ride in one. I force myself to act normal and Eddy and I make our way over to it. Mr. Owens gets in first and I stop to look at Eddy, I'm just an assistant so I should probably get in last. Eddy raises an eyebrow and motions for me to get in.

"Go." He instructs.

"You should get in first Mr. Urie." Calling him that just sounds weird. Thinking about that last name at all makes me feel weird. For so long I had dreamed of changing my last name to it. Now that I think about it I'm pretty sure my email address has Urie in it, or maybe it's just a U. I should probably change it either way before I give it to Eddy. He doesn't know the whole truth about Brendon and he doesn't need to. The last thing I want is to be locked up in a looney bin. The driver clears his throat and I realize that Eddy got in while I was lost in thought. I quickly climb in and take a seat.

The inside of the limo is stunning. Dark leather seats and wooden walls. There's a fridge in one corner with an ice bucket sitting on top with a bottle of expensive champagne. I can tell it's expensive because there's no way I'd be able to pronounce the name. There's a flat screen TV on the wall that separates the back from the driver, right now its showing the information from the stock market.

"How do you know Eddy?" Mr Owens asks after we've been driving for a few minutes. I cast a sideways glance at Eddy and see that he's watching me with an amused smirk on his face. I try not to let myself get flustered as I remember kissing him.

"We um... We met at a coffee shop." I explain, it is the truth at least. Eddy chuckles softly and I can feel my cheeks warm again.

"I bet he was working." Mr owens says, reaching over to ruffle Eddy's hair.

"My haaiirrr" Eddy whines, as he leans away from Mr Owens and takes it out of the pony tail to fix it once again.

"He's such a hard worker. I hardly get to see my little Pie." Mr Owens pouts and it looks kind of out of place but something tells me he's like this a lot.

"Pierce is being moody." Eddy says tightening his ponytail one last time to make sure its even.

"He's just like you."

"I am not moody."

"You didn't get the Santino contract." Mr Owens reminds him. Eddy crosses his arms.

"That was because I was cheated."

"He looked just like that all pouty for a month." Mr Owens laughs. I can't help but laugh, the two of them interact like Spenser and his dad do. It kind of makes me wish I'd gotten along better with my own.

"Can we stop talking about me now?" Eddy asks.

"Nope" Mr Owens goes to ruffle his hair again but Eddy ducks his head away and ends up leaning closer to me. I try not to think about it too hard. "I hope you can take care of Eddy here. He'll work for hours and forget to eat."

"I'll do my best." I promise, "I had a friend like that. He'd get so caught up in what he was doing he'd just ist at his piano for hours. I had to call and check up on him to make sure he remembered to take care of himself." I notice Eddy glance my way as I speak, somehow he looks even more pouty than he did before and he leans away from me to stare out the window.

"Piano?" Mr Owens asks.

"Yeah He's a musician out in LA. He's amazing. He can play tons of instruments and is voice is just... Its just perfect." Brendon. God I miss him.

"Wh-" Mr owens starts but he's cut off.

"It doesn't matter, he can't be here." Eddy snaps, "Talk about something else."

"Oh someone is all grumpy. Ignore him." Mr Owens says.

"Well... He is right." I admit. I hate the idea but Eddy is right. Brendon can never be here.

"He's just mad because no matter how hard he tried he fails at anything musical. Hence the reason he's such a damn good business man." Mr Owens hasn't notice, but Eddy is glaring out the window now. "If he wanted to be a model I'm sure he would have killed. He still could don't you think so?"

"Um... Yeah Probably." Definitely.

"While you start out, you'll assist Eddy. Once you're ready then you can assist me as well. He'll get you used to everything."

"Yes sir." I nod.

"Do you have a phone?" He asks me. Eddy starts to chuckle quietly and I feel myself blush again.

"I um... No... I lost it recently"

"Alright. Eddy, get him a phone that has everything he'll need."

"Okay okay." Eddy rolls his eyes.

"Good, now lets see what else will you need." Mr Owens wonders aloud. An apartment with electricity and a portal to another universe would be nice.

"Um clothing wise how should I dress?" I ask. I don’t think I actaully have any suits, I have a lot of vests though.

"Eddy will take you shopping."

"What?" Eddy brings his attention back into the car and looks between Mr. Owens and I.

"Take him shopping." Mr Owens instructs.

"Which one of us is the assistant again?"

"That's not... I mean I can manage on my own." I tell them, not that I have money to buy new clothes but Eddy is right, I'm supposed to be his assistant I can't start out by troubling him.

"He's taking you shopping." Mr owens voice is stern and I can't do anything but nod my head and agree. "Good. Actually, I think Eddy and I have a business trip to attend soon. So you can go too. Since you'll need to experience anyway."

"Okay..."

"Hmm, what else... what else... Eddy is taking you shopping, you're coming with us.... I think that's all for now. I'll have Eddy tell you if I think of anything else."

"Okay. When will we be leaving?"

"Two days from now." Two days. That’s not a lot of time to get ready. I'll have to call Spenser and let him know about all of this. Maybe when Eddy gets me a new phone. This is all really weird. I went today just expecting to interview not to actually get the job. Now I've got two days to prepare to go on a trip. I don't even know where we're supposed to be going. I've never been on a plane and I don't have a passport or anything!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Sooooo little history behind Eddy for you all. My friend and I started roleplaying at the end of 10th grade using an original story that I was writing at the time. Well the story kept going on and on and the original characters had kids and their kids had kids and so on. Well eventually a vampire named Hiro married one of the original characters younger sister, Kandy, and they had a son named Eddy. (after the Hiro's first son Edward, who they all thought was dead) First we'd use anime characters to figure out what they looked like but around the time Eddy came into the picture we'd switched to using celebrities. We used Brendon Urie for Eddy and eventually we decided that he would be in a band and instead of creating more original characters we brought in Spencer, Jon, and Ryon (the O because we already had a character named Ryan and we didn't want to confuse them.) So for me and Dezzywezzy19 Eddy's sort of the original. We eventually steered away from the original story line we'd been following and on occasion Eddy and Brendon became twins (like in our story the Pirates treasure.) Normally the only difference is that Eddy wears glasses and Brendon doesn't, but Eddy also has the tendancy to grow his hair out longer. But anyway I just thought you'd all like to know cause I like Eddy's personality so he might show up in a few of my future fanfictions. ******


	27. Truth be told -November 2015-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger warning for a suicide attempt. ******

=Los Angeles, California=

-Brendon Urie, age 28-

The neighborhood that Spencer lives in isn't far from the club where he works, but with the traffic it takes me close to an hour and a half to get there. The area is a lot nicer than I expected, despite the drought the yards are still relatively green and I wonder if they've been secretly watering them or if they're spray painted or something else ridiculous. My GPS tells I've arrived at my destination on the right and I pulls into the driveway. I double checks that the numbers on the house match the ones the bartender wrote down then gets out of the car and makes my way up the pathway to the door. I can't help but hesitate for a second before knocking on the door and holds my breath as I wait for an answer.

I'm beginning to think that Spencer isn't home when I hear footsteps approaching and can see the outline of another person through the frosted glass windows. The door swings open revealing Spencer. He looks a lot worse than when I last saw him. His skin is paler and there are dark purple bags under his eyes. I'm guessing that he's worn the same baggy t shirt and sweatpants for several days. "Hey..." I says softly when I remembers that I actually need to talk so I don't weird him out.

"What do you want." Spencer's expression quickly changes from exhaustion to anger as he realizes who is disturbing him.

"You... You quit your job." I feels like an idiot. I've completely forgotten all the things I had meant to say when I saw Spencer.

"That has nothing to do with you." Spencer grumbles. His grip on the door tightens and I'm afraid that he's going to slam it in my face before I have a chance to say what I needs to say.

"I need to talk to you." The words spill out of my mouth a lot quicker than I had anticipated and I'm worried he isn't going to understand me.

"Weren't you doing that already?" Spencers exhaustion becomes apparent once again and he leans against the door frame. He looks weak and I'm kind of worried that he's going to collapse if he doesn't sit down soon.

"I guess..." Spencer sighs as he shuffles back into the house leaving the door open as he makes his way down the hall. I don't want to pass up my chances to talk to him so I hurry inside and close the door gently before following him down the hall. The house is modern and pretty nice, nicer than anything I'd be able to afford on my own at least. Its obvious he hasn't cleaned in a while though as there's piles of clothing, beer bottles, and what I think used to be plates with food on them at some point. I hear the sound of glass sliding against the tile floors as he kicks something and sits down on the couch. There's some infomercial playing on the tv and its clear he hasn't been paying attention to it. Judging by the pillow and blankets on the couch I'm guessing he's been sleeping out here. Deciding to take my chances I sit down next to him on the couch and slip my shoes off before pulling my feet up onto it.

"What is it?" Spencer asks, impatiently.

"You okay?" He really doesn't look good. Its such a drastic change from how he looked before that I'm really worried he's going to keel over on me any second or something.

"I'm fine."

"Have you eaten today?"

"I said I'm fine." He snaps, "What do you need to talk about?"

I'm nervous, I don't really know what I was thinking when I planned this. I pull my backpack onto my lap and open it up taking out the star wars box set Pete had gotten me for Christmas, I need time to work out what I'm going to say again.

"I really do not want to watch that right now." I can feel his annoyance with me growing by the second, it's only a matter of time before he kicks me out on my ass.

"Hang on, I'm sorry... I'm just.... I'm trying to work up the courage." I admit. There's no backing out now. I have to talk to him, tell him.

"I am not very patient." He says with a frustrated sigh.

"I know... I mean I don't know. I just figured..." I'm really digging myself into a hole that I probably won't ever be able to get myself out of. I kind of wonder if he'll try to attack me like he did Pete when he knows the truth. "What if I order like... burgers or something." I remember Ryan once told me how much his Spenser loved burgers.

"I'm not hungry. I think you know the way out." Spencer starts to get to his feet and I'm starting to panic, I have to do this.

"Don't hate Pete."

"It's a little late for that." He says shooting me a glare.

"He was just trying to protect me." The words spill out of my mouth, this is it, it's time for the truth to be known.

"What are you talking about?"

"I... I got knocked out." I'm so nervous now that my hands have started to shake. When I met Spencer in the grocery store I'd thought I had the chance to make a new friend. That will never happen now, he's going to hate me. "I didn't know... I didn't know or I would have stopped him. He... Pete, he pulled me out of the car...." Spencer's eyes widen and I know he's caught on to what I'm trying to tell him. His eyes harden once again and he clenches his fists at his side.

"Get out." His voice is low, menacing.

"I'm sorry..." I shove the dvds back into my back and slide my feet into my shoes as I stand back up.

"Just leave!" He yells. He starts to sway and reaches up to hold his head in his hands. He looks even paler than he did before. I can't leave him like this. I can't let anything happen to him.

"Spencer." I take a step closer to him and he glares at me once again as he manages to basically fall onto the couch.

"I don't ever want to see your face again." He spits.

"I'm sorry." He'll never know how truly sorry I am, I killed someone. I take a cd out of the smaller pouch on my back and fiddle with it for a second before deciding. "I wanted you to have this." I set it down on the coffee table and make my way to the door. It's probably a bad idea but it's too late to go and take it back. I faintly hear him say something but I can't make out his words as the front door swings shut behind me. I hurry to the car and get in the drivers seat, I'm just going to go home and curl up in bed until Jon comes and makes me get up again.

That's my plan at least, but when I'm in the car and I reach out to put the key in I freeze up. I feel like my lungs are being crushed as the sound of crunching metal and screams echo through my head. My whole body is shaking now as I see the events of the crash happening all over again. Quickly I scramble back out of the car nearly tripping myself as I try to get away from it. I sit on the hot cement of the driveway and take deep breaths as I attempt to calm myself. It's going to be hours before I'm able to drive again.

When I am finally able to breathe normally again I get back to my feet and dust the dirt off my pants. Maybe, Maybe I should give it one more shot, talking to Spencer that is. I can't get in the car. I make my way back to the front door and knock lightly, when there's no response I decide to just let myself back inside, having forgotten to lock the door behind me when I left, and make my way back to the living room. Spencer is laying sprawled out on the couch now and he just looks wrong, somehow.

"Spencer." I make my way over to the couch. He looks towards me but his eyes don't seem to focus.

"Didn't I tell you to leave?" He asks, his words slurred.

"Yeah... But I can't."

"Well you... you can't stay here so, so shoo." Somethings wrong with him, really, really wrong.

"Sorry... I... I ruined two lives. I can't just sit aside while it happens again. So I'm not going to go anywhere. Spencer opens his mouth to respond but gets cut off when he starts to cough and gag. I move forward and force him to sit up.

"D...Don't touch me!" He manages to get out between coughs. I pat his back as my eyes scan the room for something I can use to help him. On the floor in front of the couch lies an empty pill bottle, my stomach drops.

"Did you take something?" I ask him, placing my hands on his shoulders and attempting to look him in the eyes. He's still coughing and struggling to breath. He had to have taken the pills, shit, shit. I pull his arm around my shoulders and stand up pulling him to his feet, he falls against me unable to hold himself up so I drag him to the bathroom. He tries to fight against me, weakly trying to pull his arm free but I manage to get him to the bathroom and sit him next to the toilet. He tries to get back up but he can't seem to control his limbs properly.

"Spencer look at me," I order him putting my hands on his cheeks to hold his head still. "I know you're hurting... I know you don't want to think about him but you need to right now. If George walked into this house right now what would he think? What would he say to you?" Spencer starts to cry. I gather him up in my arms and hold him close. I'm not sure where those words came from but it seems to have worked. He's not struggling anymore just letting me hold him as he sobs and continues to gag.

"You can't do this okay. We have to get whatever you took out of you." I don't know if this is going to work, shit I've only seen it on tv and that’s not reliable at all. "You're going to have to throw it up..." I need to call an ambulance but I can already tell. Spencer seems to be coming back to his senses a bit though, or maybe its just because he's actually getting sick, but he leans over the toilet and starts to throw up. I rub his back gently and try not to be too grossed out. When he finishes he grabs a towel off the edge of the bathroom counter and wipes his mouth with it before dropping it to the ground.

"You want some water?" I ask hesitantly.

"No."

"Okay... You think there's more? Should I call an ambulance?"

"I don’t know."

"Maybe... maybe I should. Just to be safe." Spencer just shakes his head, his bangs falling in his face as he stares down at his hands. He looks so small right now, I just wish that I could take away all his pain. If I could just go back and change everything. If I had never thrown that party I would have never met George. He would have stayed home and then Spencer would have asked him out and they'd probably still be together. "Well, let's get you comfy at least." I tell him. I get to my feet and take his hands pulling him to his feet. He leans against me weakly, taking raspy breaths.

"Where's your bedroom?"

"I sleep on the couch."

"No bed?"

"Yes." I want to ask more questions but I know he won't want to answer them right now. I put my arm around his waist and pull his around my shoulders then help him back to the living room and lay him down on the couch. He grabs for the blanket and lays down pulling it up to his neck. He's shivering a bit but his color is starting to come back. I sit carefully on the coffee table and reach out smoothing his hair back from his face. He shoots me a look then pulls the blanket up over his head.

"Try to get some rest okay Spencer..." I'll stay here and make sure to wake him up every now and then. I can't leave him alone.

"Yeah..." He says softly.

I watch him for a moment then get up and look around the living room, it’s a huge mess. Living like this isn't healthy for him and if I'm going to help him then I should probably start by cleaning up. I find a garbage bag in the kitchen and start to go around the house putting beer bottles into it as quietly as I can. Every now and then I can hear Spencer sniffle, even though he's obviously trying to hide it. I can't do anything to comfort him myself but I have an idea for something that might. I slide my phone

out of my pocket and look through my audio files. I find the right one and set my phone down on the coffee table as Ryan's voice starts to come out of the speakers. It seems to work, Spencer's breathing evens out and he seems to relax. I go over and move the blanket carefully from his face and make sure that he's okay before going to the kitchen and starting to clean in there. My phone continues to play the songs that Ryan had sent me over time.

Spencer's fridge is virtually empty of any food that’s not expired so I throw it all out and make a list of the things that he's going to need. He was doing so good, or at least it seemed like he was before I showed up to ruin his life once again. I'm going to do everything I can to get him back on his feet. When I'm finished in the kitchen I head back to the living room, I'm going to gather up his clothes and see if I can get some laundry done, when I notice that spencer is awake again. He's sitting up now with his blanket wrapped around his shoulders, staring down at my phone.

"It sounds like Georgie." He says softly. I make my way over ready to rescue my phone in case he decides to try and throw it or something.

"I can turn it off if you want."

"It sounds like him, but it's not him." I don't think he's even listening to me right now.

"No it's not... His name is Ryan." Spencer needed Ryan more than I did. I don't understand why it was me that was connected with him. Why me and not Spencer? I wish that I was still able to talk to Ryan. If anything I could let him talk to Spencer. Maybe he could help him heal.

"Turn it off." Spencer's knuckles turn white from gripping the blanket so hard and he's starting to shake. I grab the phone and shut off the music before sliding it back into my pocket before I take a seat on the couch.

"I thought it might help you have good dreams..."

"Why are you still in my house? Don't you have anything better to do?"

"I just thought I'd clean up a bit... I was going to make you some food but you don't really have anything so I'm going to go shopping." Spencer just lets out a sigh and hangs his head.

"Okay?"

"I don't even care anymore. Do whatever you want."

"Alright." I get up and go back to the kitchen and look through all his cabinets. I manage to find some soup that’s still good and start to cook it for him. It doesn't take long to warm up and I pour it into a freshly cleaned bowl and get a spoon bringing it out to him. I hold out the bowl to him where he's curled up on the couch.

"I don't want it." He says staring blankly at the tv.

"I'll be less annoying if you eat." I promise.

"I highly doubt that."

"I promise I will."

"Will you go away?" He sits up straight and looks a bit hopeful at the prospect.

"Til tomorrow." I can't leave him alone.

"No, don't come back or I'll call the cops." He stares into my eyes as he waits for my answer, "Promise me."

"Okay" I say with my fingers crossed out of his sight. Spencer nods and takes the bowl from me, taking small bites. I lean back and let myself relax as he eats. He only gets about half the bowl down before he sets it back on the coffee table and turns to look at me again.

"Full?"

"Yes."

"Alright." I stand back up and take the bowl to the kitchen with me and cleaning up. I don't want to leave him but I think I've pushed him enough for one day. I find a piece of paper and a pen to write my number down on then stick it to the fridge. I don't think he'll call me but I want him to have it just in case. I go back to the living room and pat his head gently.

"See yah Spencer. I left my number on your fridge. Let me know if you need anything."

"Take it with you. I won't be calling you."

"I'm leaving it." I tell him before heading out to my car. Tomorrow I'll bring him some groceries.


	28. Chapter 28

                “I know that it’s been a while since I’ve actually gone out and socialized with anyone other than You and Spenser but I can still tell when someone is flirting, at least I think so. I’m about ninety-eight percent sure that Eddy spent the majority of dinner Flirting with me. With his, well our boss there!” It’s pitch dark in my apartment now. I’d been lying in bed for a few hours just thinking about the night when I’d decided that I needed to talk about it to someone. Spenser’s sound asleep of course, he’s impossible to wake up, so I’d called Jon and I’ve been telling him about the night.

                “So wait sorry I was like half asleep, start from the beginning again.” Jon tells me, god bless him he’s so patient. He doesn’t even care that I called him at nearly three in the morning.

                “Okay so we got to the restaurant and Holy shit it was fancy. I could have paid my rent with how much one meal cost! But anyway so first we get there and He’s holding doors open for me and he even pulled out my chair.”

\---

                _“Shouldn’t I be doing that for you?” I asked him. I am supposed to be his assistant now after all._

_“Just shut up and sit down.” He rolls his eyes._

_“Yes sir.” I sat down in the chair and let him push me in then picked up the napkin off my plate and set it down on my lap, the last thing I wanted to do was embarrass myself in front of my new bosses. Mr. Owens was still in a really good mood._

_“You’ll very quickly learn to just accept whatever Eddy tells you.” He told me with a laugh. Eddy sat down next to me and picked up his menu and started to look it over so I did the same. I’d never even heard of most of the stuff on the menu it all looked like it was in a foreign language. I guess I must have looked lost because Eddy leaned closer and pointed at something on the menu._

_“You should try this.” He said. I agreed and set my menu back down on the table, I probably would just give myself a headache if I tried to pick something on my own._

_When the waitress arrives Mr. Owens and Eddy both ordered glasses of wine and I kind of felt like a little kid when I said I was just fine with water but I don’t drink and ordering a soda would have been even more childish. She left again after we had all ordered and Mr. Owens and Eddy started to talk about work. I was really lost and kind of worried that I won’t be able to keep up with everything._

_I tried to focus on what they were saying but I ended up getting distracted and kind of stared at Eddy for a good ten minutes at least. I can’t help it, he’s attractive, really, really attractive. He looks just like Brendon who I’d spent the last ten years fantasizing about so that didn’t help at all. But it wasn’t just because he looks like Brendon. The more time I spend with them the more I can see the differences. Eddy’s more mature than Brendon was. I think he might be older than me, or maybe it’s just how he looks or something, with the longer hair and glasses. He catches me studying his features and I can feel my face heat up as I look down and mess with the bracelet on my wrist trying not to look guilty. Eddy puts his hand on my shoulder and asks if I’m okay, I can feel my face heat up more and he waits until I nod my head to move his hand away._

_Him and Mr. Owens go back to talking about work and the waitress brings their drinks. I try to pay more attention to them this time but from the corner of my eye I can see Eddy glancing at me every few minutes. Mr. Owens took a few sips of his wine then said he had to use the restroom and quickly left the table leaving me and Eddy alone. It was quiet and really kind of awkward so I decided to start a conversation._

_“So… Um, no one mentioned what I’d be paid.” I said trying to think of something work related to talk about and not how hot he looked in that suit he was wearing._

_“Oh right. Thirty dollars an hour.” He said it so casually, thirty dollars an hour would definitely get me out of debt._

_“What?” I asked, still shocked by the amount._

_“Thirty an hour.” He repeated._

_“Oh… That’s a lot.”_

_“Is it? Would you prefer less?” I’m pretty sure he was teasing me now._

_“No, no definitely not. It’s just… I’ve been a server for a long time… So I get like paid nothing but my tips after taxes.”_

_“Well now you won’t have to worry.” He reaches over and pats my shoulder gently. I can’t help but smile at him and I can feel my face heat up again, he lets out a quiet chuckle as he moves his hand away. “You’re kind of cute when you want to be”_

_“I’m not cute.” I tell him. It’s embarrassing. The waitress brings out our food then and tells us to enjoy it. Eddy starts to eat and I’m kind of glad she came when she did since it saved me from embarrassing myself further. I pick up my fork and take a bite of the food she placed in front of me. It was probably one of the best things I had probably ever tasted and I couldn’t help but quickly shoving another forkful into my mouth._

_“Yes you are.” Eddy laughs as he watches me. My mouth is still full of food so I just shake my head at him. “You might not think so, but you’re very adorable.” He says softly. I stop myself from eating another bite and look over at him, he smiles at me then reaches over and uses his thumb to wipe away a bit of sauce off the corner of my mouth. I didn’t think I my face could get any redder but I think it might have gotten a few shades darker as he licked the sauce off his finger before picking up his fork and eating his food._

_It takes me a few minutes to get my brain working again before I go back to eating. I’m pretty sure he says something quietly but before I can ask him to repeat it Mr. Owens returned and began to talk as he sat down._

\----

                “Okay yeah he was definitely flirting with you.” Jon agrees with me when I pause. I’m not sure what I want to do with this information.

                “Eddy is… God he’s really kind of amazing the more I get to know him, and I know that I’ve barely spent any time with him but he’s obviously attracted to me and I’m attracted to him so….”

                “What’s worrying you Ry?”

                “Like what if… What if Brendon gets back in contact with me or something? Like… what do I tell him?”

                “Well do you think you and Eddy might get an actual relationship? Really you haven’t known him long at all, you’ve had what one meal with him?”

                “Well he also drove me to the train station before I came to see you guys and uh… well I kind of spent a night at his house?” I admit shyly, “It had been an accident really, and when I’d fallen asleep I had definitely been on the couch, not where I woke up in Eddy’s bed.”

                “Whoa whoa whoa wait you slept in his bed? With him?”

                “Kinda, I mean… yeah. But like I said I fell asleep on the couch.”

                “And you woke up in his bed. Did you sleep walk or something?”

                “I um… I think he carried me.” I can feel my face warm and I’m glad I’m alone and in the dark, though I wouldn’t have minded spending another night at Eddy’s I think that might have been moving a little fast.

                “Okay well now you’ve got to tell me the whole story. Hang on” Jon says. I can hear the sound of a cabinet closing and then the fridge opening. He must be getting a drink or something from the kitchen. I can hear him shuffling around the house for another minute then he tells me I can start.

\---

                _We left the restaurant when we were all done and Mr. Owens had paid, I don’t even want to think about how much that bill was, I’m pretty sure the thing I had ordered was at least sixty dollars by itself. Eddy was obviously extremely tired, I don’t know if it was sudden or if he had been tired the whole time and didn’t have the energy to hide it anymore but as we walked to the limo he kind of seemed to be drifting off so I put my hand on his back, just to make sure he didn’t fall over of course._

_My touch seemed to wake him back up and he asked if he had started to fall so I told him he had looked asleep. He told me that between work and his son-_

\----

                “He has a son?” Jon interrupts me.

                “Oh yeah, didn’t I tell you?”

                “No you missed that part.”

                “Sorry, he’s got a son named Pierce, I think he’s probably four. He’s really cute, he’s got brown hair that like defies gravity or something, he looks like he’s got permanent bed head. But I’ll get to him in a minute cause I had to pick him up from daycare.”

                “Fine, fine but you better not forget any other important details” Jon scolds.

\---

_“Well I can help with whatever… So you can get some more rest. It is my job after all.” I told him._

_“Think you can drive me to a daycare then to my place? I think after the ride to the office I won’t be awake enough to drive.”_

_“I can do that.” I wondered why he needed to go to the daycare then I remembered the little boy that he’d had with him the second time I met him. We got into the limo and Mr. Owens teased us for taking so long. The limo starts and It’s barely a minute before Eddy’s falling asleep again. This time he falls against me and ends up resting with his head on my shoulder._

_“You like him don’t you.” Mr. Owens asked. I was embarrassed that I’d been so obvious but I decide that he really just cares about Eddy so I decide to tell him the truth._

_“He… He reminds me of someone I love.” I admit, “I can’t tell if it’s that or something else honestly.”_

_“If you remember that they’re different people and can handle Eddy I think you’ll be fine. He’s already getting jealous.”_

_“He is?”_

_“When we were on our way to the restaurant. It wasn’t because of his failing at music that he got grumpy. He’d gotten over that a long time ago. It was because he fails at something that brought a beautiful smile to your face. Eddy is simple like that.” Mr. Owens explained. I looked down at the man sleeping against my side with a small smile on his face. Other than Brendon I’ve never had someone that wanted to be with me._

_Eddy shifts a bit in his sleep and presses closer to me. His lips move and while no sound comes out I’m pretty sure he was saying my name. I can’t help the warm feeling that it fills me with as I find his hand and intertwine our fingers. It feels good. The drive back to the office seems to be a lot quicker than it was going to the restaurant. When the limo is parked Mr. Owens gets out first and says good bye before heading back to the office. I turned to Eddy and woke him gently._

_“You can sleep more in your own car okay.” I tell him as I help him out of the car. His eyes scan the parking lot then he starts to walk over to his car with me following behind. He fumbles to get the keys out of his pocket and unlocks the car then tosses them to me and gets in the passenger seat. By the time I open the door on the driver’s side he’s asleep again. I get in and start the car then search through the GPS on the dash until I find where the address for the daycare is saved. I pressed start and drove to it, Eddy sleeping soundly beside me._

_\---_

                I can hear Jon yawning on the other end of the line and I feel kind of bad, here I am telling this long drawn out story when he could be getting a few hours more sleep before he has to go into work.

                “Hey Jon, you should sleep.” I tell him.

                “You haven’t told me what happened yet.” He says, he’s really too nice for his own good.

                “I’ll email you the rest. Probably not tomorrow but when I get the chance.”

                “Why not tomorrow?”

                “Cause,” I can’t help but smile, “I have to go to Paris tomorrow.”


	29. A note to Spencer. -November 2015-

=Los Angeles, California= 

-Brendon Urie, Age 28- 

Since I discovered who Spencer is I've had a lot of trouble sleeping at night. The nightmares have come back and I dread closing my eyes at night. Last night was the first time I was able to get more than a couple hours sleep and I almost don't want to get out of bed. I know I have to though. I keep thinking of Spencer sitting alone in his house doing god knows what. I know it's my fault. I think about him as I drag myself  out of bed and into the shower. Not that I think about him in the shower. Not like that, that would be weird.... 

I make myself a quick breakfast of a poptart and a cup of coffee then sneak the keys to Pete's car out of his room, thankfully without waking him or Patrick, then I'm on my way back to Spencer's. I know he said he'd call the cops if I show up again but I don't really think he will. From what I could tell he's got quite a few things in his house that he'd probably prefer the police didn't see. I pray I'm right about that as I park the car in his driveway. It didn't take me anywhere near as long as it did before to get to his house, I think I missed most of the traffic. It's still pretty early in the morning and I didn't really think this through. He's probably still in bed sleeping. 

 I remember that he didn't have any food in the house yesterday and turn the car back on heading back out of the neighborhood in hopes of killing time and finding something he'd like to eat. I remember Ryan once mentioning that his Spenser really loved Pizza and burgers but those aren't really breakfast foods. I settle on going to a mall I find nearby and wandering through the stores for a few hours. There's a music store with a lot of cool records I'd like to buy but money is pretty tight right now and I know I should be putting it towards things the band needs to finish this record. Around Eleven I figure it's late enough so I stop at a pizza place and pick up a pizza and a 2 liter of pop before heading back to his house.   

I knock a couple times and get no response, I'm pretty positive he's home so instead of leaving I ring the doorbell and call out, "Delivery."  

"I'm not opening the door for you!" I guess he recognized my voice. "I already warned you yesterday." 

"So call the cops." I call back to him. I'm really hoping I'm right about him not actually calling them. 

"I will." 

"Kay, I'll be sure to suggest they search your house." It was a little mean of me but I can't just let him wither away alone in his house. 

"Ugh, Just leave! I'm not opening the door!" 

"Nah." I respond. It's quiet for a moment. "I brought Pizza." 

"Eat It yourself." 

"Its Cheeseburger." 

"What is your obsession with burgers? You're going to get fat." 

"I don't know. They're good." I sigh. I should have known he wouldn't be exactly like Ryan's Spenser. 

"How long are you going to loiter outside my door?" His voice sounds closer now. "Don't you think you've made me suffer enough?" 

"I just..." I don't know how to explain it to him properly. I'm probably going to sound like an idiot but I try anyway. "I know I hurt you... I did something awful and I hate myself for it." I set the pizza box down on the welcome mat and sigh once again. He might never open up to me. He might never let me back into his house, but I can't give up. "I'll go now... But I'll come back tomorrow. The pizza is here if you decide you want it... but if it stays here too long some ants might take it away or something." I wait for a response even though I know it's not going to happen, then head back to the car and drive towards the studio. We've got the day off today but I want to work on the music some more. Everything has to be perfect, especially Ryan's songs.    
 

When I get to the studio I'm surprised to find that I'm not the only one there. Dallon's sitting on the couch with his laptop on his lap, he's got a pair of headphones on so I know he hasn't seen me yet. I grin to myself as I creep up behind the couch. I peek over his shoulder and see that he's watching a video of some band on youtube. I wait just a few more seconds then yell loudly and grab his shoulders. 

"Holy shit!" Dallon yells in surprise and quickly jumps to his feet. His sudden movement makes me lose my balance and I fall onto the couch laughing loudly. Nothing really cheers you up like seeing someone almost wet themselves. "Brendon you asshole I dropped my computer." He picks his laptop up off the floor and examines it for any damage before setting it down on the coffee table.  

"Is... Is it okay?" I ask him trying to catch my breath.  

"Yes, no thanks to you." He puts his hands on his hips and tries to look angry. I just grin up at him and after a few seconds his frown turns into a smile and shakes his head. 

"You're an idiot." He tells me. 

"A lovable idiot?" 

"I don't know if I'd go that far." He rolls his eyes at me. Okay, I know that interband relationships are totally a bad idea but I really can't deny the fact that Dallon is crazy attractive. He's like my idea of a perfect guy. Brown hair just long enough to run my fingers through, stunning blue eyes I could just get lost in. I ignore the image of Spencer that pops into my head and I grab a jacket off the back of the couch wadding it up then tucking it under my head. 

"What are you doing here on an off day?" I ask him. 

"I could ask you the same." He picks up his computer once again and moves closer to the couch. I move my legs aside so he can sit back down then put them across his lap. He gives me a look but instead of moving them just places his computer on top.  

"Well I was feeling inspired so I came by to work on some music. But your presence seems to have drained me of all motivation so now I think that this spot is a good place for a nap." 

"The point of scheduling this day off was so we could all relax you know." 

"Thus I am relaxing. Why are you here huh?" 

"Because I figured I'd be able to relax better here than where I'm living right now." 

"Where's that?" 

"With my brother and his family. He's got two young kids so it's kinda crazy there." 

"Don't they go to school or something?" 

"My family's Mormon. My brother and his wife decided it would just be easier to homeschool them." He shrugs. 

"Awww poor Dally." 

"Dally?"  

"Shut up I'm working on your nickname. Kenneth is Kenny and Dan is Danny. Dally would make it sort of match." 

"Well what's your nickname?" 

"Brenny duh." 

"Those nicknames make us sound like a bunch of five year olds." 

"Mentally we are I think." 

"Speak for yourself baby boy." 

"Hey now. I'm only a few years younger. Dan's the real baby." 

"Well that is true. But I think I'm gonna stick with Baby Brenny." 

"Then I'll call you Grandpa Dally." 

"I can live with that." 

"You're supposed to be outraged at being called a grandpa." 

"Nah I can deal with it." Dallon says as he pats my leg. We fall into a comfortable silence then. I close my eyes and try to ignore his hand that's resting on my knee and the way his thumb rubs back and forth. Interband relationships are strictly forbidden. Definitely. Even if I'm mostly sure he's just as into me as I am to him. I don't want to date him. I'm not ready for dating. I don't think I could ever find someone who makes me feel like Ryan doe- did.  

Hours pass as Dallon and I kill time just hanging out in the studio, I work on the music a bit bouncing my ideas off of Dallon every now and then. I guess my sleeping problems must be affecting me more than I'd thought because one minute I'm listening to a music sample on my laptop and the next I'm waking up and it's dark outside the window. I'm leaning against Dallon and his arm is wrapped around my shoulder. I can feel my face warm a bit at our closeness and do my best to carefully free myself from his hold. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to pick a guy I'm attracted to as our bass player. I can't mess up everything we've worked so hard for. 

I feel kind of bad for it but I quickly slip on my shoes, that I don't really remember taking off, pack up my computer and slip out of the studio making as little noise as possible so as not to wake Dallon. I know I was the one to fall asleep on him but why was his arm around me? Why couldn't he have just pushed me away or something. I really really can't start anything with him. 

I get in Pete's car and start it up, plugging in my phone before I do anything. The screen lights up showing I have several missed calls and a few texts. My heart skips a beat in my chest as I think of the possibility that It's Ryan calling me again. It's Ryan calling to beg me one last time not to leave him. I know it's stupid, I'm pretty sure that whatever connected our two universes broke when I broke his heart. I know that I won't be able to check on him, I won't be able to know he's okay, or show him how much the world is going to love his music.  

I unlock the phone and looks at the mass of texts from Pete. 

 

 **Pete: Where** **my car u** **mothertrucker**  

 **Pete: Fucker***  

 **Pete: Hellooooo**  

 **Pete: Brendon!**  

 **Pete: B**  

 **Pete: Yoooooo**  

 **Pete: Brendon**  

 **Pete: Brenny**  

 **Pete: Boyd**  

 **Pete: Urie**  

 **Pete: My caaarrr**  

 **Pete: My precious!**  

 **Pete: My baby!**  

 **Pete: My Precious-object-that-I-do-not-love-as-much-as-patrick***  

 **Pete: Bring it back**  

 **Pete: duuuuuddddeee**  

 **Pete:  Ur gonna make me take Trick out in** **minivan**  

 **Pete: Dude srsly**  

 **Pete: Hate U**  

 **Pete: H**  

 **Pete: A**  

 **Pete: T**  

 **Pete: E**  

 **Pete: U**  

 

 **Patrick: =_=**  

 

I can't help but chuckle a bit at the mass amount  of texts. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get murdered in my sleep tonight so I decide to pick up some peace offerings. I stop at a target on my way home and walk around the store looking for the perfect offerings. For Patrick I find a hat and a red cardigan, for Pete I manage to find a hat shaped like a panda's head with long strands on either side with paws at the end. I know he'll get a kick out of it.  

Since I'm actually a child in a grownups body I decided to check out the toy section for a few minutes, thirty can totally be counted as a few. There's an entire aisle dedicated to star wars stuff and I spend most of the time there convincing myself I don't need any action figures. The star wars makes me think of Spencer and I start to worry. Did he eat the pizza? Has he eaten at all today? What if he does something drastic.  

My eyes fall on a stuffed Ewok sitting all alone on a bottom shelf and it's really kind of perfect. The box says that it makes noise when you squeeze it and after a moments thought I'm putting it into my basket with the other items before heading to the cash register. I'm already in trouble for taking the car so I might as well make one last stop on my way home.  

By one I totally meant two. On my way to Spencer's I realize that he might not have eaten the pizza and he's going to need something to eat so I swing by a restaurant and pick up some Chinese food for him. I park a bit down the street from his house where I can see the front door, I'm being a little stalkerish I know but I don't want him to yell at me again. I grab a random paper out of my bag and jot down a quick note on it before tucking it into the Ewoks headscarf.  

From where I'm parked I can tell that the pizza box is gone. I hope he ate it instead of just throwing it away. I know he's already got my number in his house but I made sure it was written on the note as well. I carry the food and Ewok up to the door and set them down, making sure the plastic bag will protect the ewok from any bad weather if it gets left outside all night, then I ring the doorbell and run back to my car.  

He actually opens the door this time and I kind of wished I'd stuck around. He opens up both bags and examines the Ewok before looking up, his eyes scanning the area. It must be too dark for him to see me because he takes both bags and goes back inside. I can't help but smile about the small victory as I make my way back to Pete's house to face my imminent death by Patrick. 

                          **Have a good night! May the force be with you = )**  

**-B (XXX) XXX-XXXX**


	30. Email to jon #1 -October 2015-

 

Ryan Ross -Age 28-

=John F. Kennedy International Airport= 

**To:** **J.J.Walk@Aol.com**    
 **From:** **RyRo-U@live.com**    
 **Subject: To be continued.**  

 

**Hi Guys!**  

**Okay sorry I couldn't call you back Jon. I'm actually at the airport right now! I don't even know how they managed to get me a passport in such a short amount of time but they did and We've got thirty minutes until our plane boards. I think it should be safe to write this without Eddy catching me. His son Pierce is coming with us and I guess our boss M** **r. Owens keeps giving him candy whenever Eddy's not looking so it's kinda crazy. Anyway I was  
** **telling you the rest of what happened. But tell** **Spen** **s** **er** **the first bits before he reads the rest of this.**  

 

_It wasn't that hard of a drive to get to the daycare from where we were, obviously Eddy would pick one close to where he works. I parked the car outside of it and turned to look at Eddy. He was sound asleep with his head leaning against the car door. His classes were sitting crooked on his face and he looked so peaceful I really didn't want to wake him up. Luckily I noticed his wallet was sticking out of the pocket of his sports coat, so I slipped it out and took his I.D before putting it back. I hoped it was enough for the daycare to release his son to._  

_I got out of the car and headed inside the building. I don't have a lot of experience with daycares. Sometimes when I was a kid Spen_ _s_ _er_ _'s mom would pick me up and let me walk with her to pick up Spen_ _s_ _er_ _but I barely remember that. It was definitely a nicer daycare though. Everything looked shiny and new which is probably hard with a bunch of crazy children running around. They had a receptionist so I went up to her desk and told her I was there to pick up Eddy Urie's son._  

_"Excuse me Ma'am, Mr Urie asked me to pick his son up. I'm his new assistant Ryan Ross. He gave me his I.D in case you needed it." I explained to her. Okay, so I stole it out of his pocket but same difference._  

_"He did, did he?" She asks as she looks me over._  

_"Yes Ma'am." I hope I don't look like a kidnapper or something._  

_"Where is it then?" She asks. It takes me a second to process that she's asking for the I.D. I hold it out to her and try not to look embarrassed. "And why is Mr Urie unable to pick him up?"_  

_"To be honest he's actually just out in the car asleep... I couldn't wake him up." No point in lying, I may have to wake him up anyway if they won't release Pierce to me._  

_"Yeah that sounds about right." She says with a small laugh. Part of me kind of wonders how well she knows Eddy, but he wouldn't flirt with someone who takes care of his kid, would he? "Come with me." She presses a button and the little gate that leads to the rest of the building pops open. I walk through it and she leads me to the back of the building and out onto a large playground where a lot of kids are playing.  "Pierce!" She calls out._  

_The little boy with_ _brown hair_ _,_ _that_ _I remember from the coffee shop, pops_ _out of the top of_ _a tunnel slide, his hair sticking straight up with static and a big grin on his face. He holds the same stuffed monkey from before in his arms. "I didn't do it miss Stacy!" He calls back, sticking his lips out in a pout._  

_"You're not in trouble it's time to go home."_  

_"My_ _D_ _ada is here?!" He asks excitedly before practically throwing himself down the slide, he falls off at the bottom but it doesn't seem to faze him as he jumps back on his feet and rushes over to us._  

_"Sort of." Miss Stacy says as she knelt_ _down to brush the_ _wood_ _chips_ _off his back._  

_"Huh?"_  

_"His assistant is signing you out today, but your daddy is right out in the car waiting for you." She explains to him._  

_"Ooooo Okay." Pierce smiled at her then looked up at me and scrunched his face up. "You saved my monkey." He says after a minute. I'm surprised he remembered that, he was asleep for most of it._  

_"yeah I did."_  

_"Okay." He put the monkey's arms around his neck and stuck together the velcro on its hands before holding his arms out to me. "Pick me up." I'm not really used to kids but Pierce doesn't seem too bad. I picked him up and followed Stacy back to the front desk. She had me sign him out in a book then buzzed us back out of the gate._  

_I thanked her before heading outside and back to the car. I was going to open the back door to put him in the car seat that was back there but he wouldn't let me._  

_"Noooo I has to give Dada a kiss." He tells me._  

_"Oh of course." I open Eddy's door carefully and he slides toward it a bit so I have to use my free hand to keep him from falling out. Pierce leans over and presses a sloppy kiss to his cheek then giggles and wraps his arms around my neck. I can see a small smile on Eddy's face before I get his door closed once again and put Pierce_ _In his car seat then get in the car._  

_It_ _'_ _s_ _easy to find the address listed as home in the GPS so I select it and glance at Pierce in the rearview mirror before starting the car and heading to their home. Pierce kicks his feet and I'm worried he'll kick Eddy's chair and wake him up but it seems his legs are too short._  

_"The windows on the bus go up and down up and down up and down." Pierce starts to sing. He presses the button on the door and his window goes up and down as he sings. It's actually pretty cute._  

_"You tooooo" He says after a couple repeated verses._  

_"Me too what?"_  

_"It's a sing a long. You have to sing too."_  

_"Oh my apologies." Pierce nods his head and starts to sing once again, this time I sing with him. I hear a soft chuckle from beside me and I glance over and see that Eddy is awake now watching me drive. I can feel my cheeks warm. He puts a finger to his lips then closes his eyes once again. I finish the song with Pierce as Eddy starts to snore._  

_The GPS leads me to an apartment building with a parking garage, I pull up to the gate and hear a beep before it swings open. There's a sticker in the corner of the window that it must have scanned or something. I head inside and look around unsure of where I should park. The spots look like they're numbered and I don't want to get Eddy in trouble for parking in the wrong spot. "Do you know where I park Pierce?" I_ _ask glancing into the rearview mirror. I hear a click and then Pierce is climbing over the armrest and onto my lap. He puts his hands on the steering wheel._  

_"We have to go up!"_  

_"okay let's go up." I head for the ramp keeping my hands low on the steering wheel while Pierce pretends to drive himself. After we go up a couple floors he points at a parking spot. "Dere,_ _we_ _have to park dere." I park the car in the spot he pointed too then turn it off and get out setting Pierce down on the ground. He runs around to the other side of the car and bounces up and down waiting for eddy._ _I follow him and open up Eddy's door and shake him gently, calling his name. Eddy opens his eyes and lets out a loud yawn before turning his head to look at me._  

_"We's home Dada."_  

_"So we are." He adjusts his glasses on his face and gets out of the car, nudging the door closed behind him._ _We start to walk towards a door on the far side of the garage when Pierce grabs a corner of my vest. When I look down at him he holds his arms out to me so I pick him up._  

_"Make a new friend, Pie?" Eddy asks._  

_"Yesh."_  

_"Good." Eddy steps closer to press a kiss to his son and I try really hard not to think about how good his cologne smells. Pierce throws his arms around my neck as Eddy leads us to the elevator and up to one of the higher floors.Even just by judging the elevator I know I can never let him see the garbage dump of an apartment I live in._  

_Pierce is talking about his day at daycare and I do my best to understand him but he's talking really quickly and his words all seem to mesh together, not to mention he's missing a front tooth so he has a lisp. I carry him into the apartment when Eddy opens the door and turn to tell him goodbye, assuming I'm done working now, but he's already heading towards the back of the apartment._  

_"Make yourself at home, I'm going to get some more sleep. Pie Knows where everything is if you need something." He calls over his shoulder before walking into what I_ _'m guessing is his bedroom._  

_"Okay..." Suddenly I've got the feeling that assis_ _tant_ _might really mean babysitter. Pierce seems to be a good kid, if not a bit hyper, so I should be able to handle it okay. Not that I've really got a lot of experience with children. I hope I don't screw this up. I really, really need this money._  

_I'm just wondering what I should do now when Pierce grabs my hand and pulls me into another bedroom, telling me that we're going to play. His bedroom looks like a kids wet dream or something. The whole room is spiderman themed. He's got bunk beds against one wall with a ladder on the side and the end has been turned into a climbing wall that looks like a brick wall. The top bunk has a tent over it and the bottom bunk's been removed to make room for a small keyboard and some tubs full of toys. I kneel on the floor when Pierce tells me to and watch him as he pours out a bucket of lego's in front of me. Something tells me Spenser would love this kid._  

_I guess I lost track of time trying to keep him entertained and all of a sudden he announces that he's hungry. I looked at the time to see that it was almost seven o'clock. I tell Pierce to clean up the mess of legos that had migrated to the living room, because we just had to watch spiderman at the same time, and went to the kitchen to put together something for dinner. The fridge is well stocked but I'm not the world's best cook so I figure I should play it safe and make some spaghetti and garlic bread._  

_"Smells good." I hear Eddy's voice say when the food is almost ready. I turn around and see that Pierce is sitting at the table and Eddy is standing beside his chair. He's wearing a t shirt and pajama pants and his hair is all messed up, I kind of want to run my fingers through it but that would be really wrong. He's my boss now. I have to keep reminding myself of that. His name is Eddy, and he's my boss. Not my boyfriend, I don't have a boyfriend anymore._  

_"Does it?" I ask him, making myself snap out of my thoughts. "I hope you don't mind that I let you sleep longer. I just figured you could use more than a two hour nap."_  

_"We played legos and hide and seek and watched spiderman and he fixed monkey cause he had a hole in his booty." Pierce pulls the stuffed monkey from around his neck and stands on the chair holding its butt towards Eddy's face._  

_"Really?" Eddy looks at me with what I think is a surprised look on his face._  

_"He um... he pulled the tag off and it ripped a little._  

_"Yeah that sounds right." Eddy says ruffling Pierce's hair._  

_"Monkey wanted it off. Now sit down Dada I'm hungy." He plops back down on his butt and hangs the monkey back around it's neck. Something tells me the stuffed animal is going to get more spaghetti sauce then Pierce will. Eddy sits in the chair next to his son and watches me as I bring the food to the table. As soon as I set the garlic bread down Pierce grabs a piece and takes a huge bite._  

_"Don't eat like that Pierce." Eddy scolds him._  

_"But toast." Is all the expla_ _nation_ _the four year old gives before he switches to kneeling on the chair so he can reach more food._  

_"Pierce Martin Urie."_  

_"What Dada?" Pierce rolls his eyes._  

_"Behave." Eddy warns him._  

_"I'm good. Ryry tell him I'm good."_  

_"He was really good. He even cleaned up all the legos."_  

_"Alright." Eddy says with a smile. He makes himself and Pierce plates of Spaghetti and starts to eat. I wait to make sure they think the food is okay then start to eat my own. After a few minutes of silence I can feel myself being watched and look up, meeting Eddy's eyes for a second before he quickly averts his gaze. I'm not really positive but I think I see his cheeks tint a bit pink._  

_"I um... I should probably get home." I admit, I'm not really looking forward to taking the bus in the dark but at this point it's probably my only option._  

_"Stay and watch a movie. It's not often I have a guest Pierce behaves for." He looks into my eyes once again and I try really hard to keep my brain functioning. I know the buses will stop running in a couple hours but I can't say no to him. I wonder if he'd let me stay on his couch for the night. We'll have to get up early anyway to get everything we need done before we leave for Paris anyway. It really would make sense if I was already here._  

_"Yeah... Alright I might as well."_  

_"Great." He grins and I'm positive that I'm blushing now._  

_"Spiderman!" Pierce shouts before sliding out of his chair and running back to the living room. Eddy gets up from the table and picks up all the dishes to bring to the sink. I help him clean up the mess I made cooking then follow him to the living room. He scolds Pierce, who's jumping up and down on the couch waiting for us then puts the boy down on the floor before sitting down on the couch. I sit on the opposite end, not wanting to make it to awkward or anything. Eddy picks a tablet up off the end table and with it he dims the lights in the room and then starts the movie over from the beginning before sitting back and putting one arm over the back of the couch and the other on his armrest. The couch seems a lot shorter than it did a few minutes ago,_  

_I've already seen it once today, and something tells me Eddy's seen it a million times, so I'm not to interested in the movie itself, but it seems to keep Pierce happy where he's laying with his stuffed monkey on the floor. Probably twenty minutes into it I feel my eyelids start to get heavy and I feel myself start to slide, but I_ _'m really too tired to do anything about it. My head falls against Eddy's chest and I know that I should make myself sit back up. Instead of moving me aside or something he pulls a blanket off the back of the couch and puts it over me then lets his arm rest over my shoulders. I know this is bad, he's my boss and this shouldn't make me feel as good as it does, but I can't tear myself away I let myself drift to sleep._  

 

**Sorry I can't finish now, they're boarding the plane and we get to get on first since we're in first class! I still kind of think this whole thing is a dream or something. I'm getting paid to fly first class to freaking Paris!**  

**Love you both! I promise to write soon.**  

**Ryan.**


	31. Part 1 & 2

Chapter 31 part 1: Playing pretend -November 2015- 

-Brendon Urie, age 27- 

=Los Angeles, California= 

 

I thought it would be a good idea to give Spencer a few days off from my constantly bothering him. Who knows when he'll finally be annoyed enough to call the cops on me for harassment or trespassing or something, and to be completely honest I've been spending a lot more time with Dallon then is really safe. But we've got a lot in common and it's kind of obvious we're both attracted to each other. We went to a club together with Pete and Patrick last night but Pete ended up causing a scene and I had to drag him away from a fight with some asshole, getting myself punched in the face in the process. Dallon said it made me look rugged and took me out for Denny's at one in the morning, I'm not a big fan of Denny's but who can complain about free pancakes when they're drunk. 

To be honest thought the more time I spend with Dallon the more time I think of Spencer. If I hadn't brought Pete to the bar with me things might have gone differently with him. I was attracted to him right away, and we were flirting at the grocery store and for those first few minutes at the bar. I know that I pretty much ruined his life but I want to work with him and help to fix all the damage I've caused. So after three days of staying away from him I can't handle it anymore and decide I'm going to go to his house first thing in the morning. 

I pick up some pancakes from Ihop on the way, because I'm sure he's gone through the food that I left there already. Either that or he hasn't touched anything and he's probably starving, though I know he won't admit it. I park in the same spot in his driveway that I've used every time and make my way to the door knocking on it. "Spencer." I call his name through the door. I'm half expecting him to ignore me since I've announced myself but after a few seconds I hear his grumpy voice on the other side of the door asking what I want. 

"I brought you breakfast." I inform him. 

"Pass." 

"I got lots of pancakes." I put on my best pout just incase he's looking through the peephole. 

"That's your problem. Go eat with your accomplice." For a second I think he means Dallon for some reason and then I realize that he's actually talking about Pete. He doesn't even know who Dallon is why would he mention him. 

"It's out here if you want it." I tell him. I think about just setting the food down and heading home but that would just be a waste of gas and today I had to take Mama Wentz's car. "Spencer..?" I call out his name again. 

"I'm never going to forgive you! Just realize that and go on with your life! It's too late for amends." He's still on the other side of the door, probably making sure I leave. I can't give up on him though. I lean my back against the door and take a deep breath. 

"I... I know I don't deserve forgiveness. I don't deserve to be alive right now... I know I should have been the one that died and I thought that the world would be better if I did. Pete could tell the truth... he could get his record cleared. But he said that he would never tell even if I was gone. My family hates me... They didn't say anything at first. They tried to save face by sending me away. Of course I messed that up for them too because if they hadn't sent me away I never would have fallen in love with another boy.... Now they won't even admit I ever existed. But I deserve it. The universe is fucked up and it has a horrible way of messing with people huh." I pause for a minute trying to regain my composure. I haven't talked about all of this in a long time. I didn't want to admit that my parents stopped loving me, or that I stopped loving myself. Ryan made me forget about a lot of it. But I ruined that too. 

"I don't want you to forgive me... But I don't want your life to fall apart anymore because of me... you liked your job and I came along and ruined it... I'm sorry." 

"I don't care about the stupid job." His voice seems weaker now and I can hear his sniffling through the door. "I don't care if my life falls apart again... I don't care... I just want Georgie back... but I can't... He won't ever come back..." 

"But that doesn't mean he's not with you... That doesn't mean he doesn't watch over you. Would he be happy seeing you like this..? My ex... He was a lot like George I expect. If he saw one of his friends was upset he would do everything he could to make them smile... Even when he was feeling depressed he always put other people's feelings before his own." 

"Shut up." 

"I'm sorry." 

"You don't know George. Don't compare him to anyone else." 

"Spencer... I..." 

"You knew him one night, I knew him for 11 years." 

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm so sorry, I should have asked your name at the grocery store..." 

"Why does that even matter? You still would be the guy that got Georgie killed and I still would be this pathetic lonely geek." He's right I know, if I had realized who he was I would have stayed away from him.  

"I could have stopped myself from hurting you more than I already have..." There's nothing but silence from inside the house. I wait for a minute then decide to try the door, to my surprise it's actually unlocked. I decide to take a chance and make my way into the house and towards his living room. 

"That's breaking and entering." He says as he glares at me. He doesn't look very threatening right now though. He's sitting on his couch with his knees pulled up to his check and his arms wrapped around him. He's got tears streaking down his face and it looks like he's lost even more weight than when I last saw him, if that’s even possible. 

"Yeah." I smile at him then make my way to the kitchen to put the pancakes I brought into the fridge. There's no take out containers in there so he must of ate what I brought him last time. 

"I'm not gonna eat it." He calls. 

"Okay." I close the fridge door and see that my phone number is still where I stuck it. I pull it down then make my way out to the living room and kneel in front of him. "Spencer..." 

"What?" He snaps. 

"I... I'm," I take a deep breath, "I'm sorry Spencer. I know I can never make up for it. I know I'm a horrible person... I just... I'm worried about you." 

"Don't be." 

"But I am, okay. I took a life and I ruined so many lives and you have no idea how much I fucking hate myself. I don't want to see you throw everything away because of me. I don't want to see it happen again. I'm so sick of only making people sad Spencer." He raises his head then and his eyes meet mine, once again I'm kind of blown away by how beautiful his eyes are, even when they're rimmed with tears. 

"I don't know what you want me to say. It took years for me to lock everything away and play pretend. I force myself to look away from his eyes then.  

"I... I want to help you be happy, but I know that I can't...."  

"What happen to your face?" He asks quietly. I remember the bruise on my cheek. 

"I had to babysit some friends at a bar and ended up breaking up a fight with my face." Without saying anything Spencer get's up from the couch and goes to the kitchen. I'm a little confused until he comes back with a bag of frozen peas in his hand. He really is an enigma. He sits back down on the couch and holds out the bag. As soon as I take it he pulls his knees back up and hugs them again. I hold them to the bruise and try my best not smile too much. 

"He had no reason to punch you." He says grumpily. 

"He was kind of a douchebag. Had sunglasses on in the bar and everything." 

"Must have been high." Spencer chuckles a bit and then seems to remember that he's supposed to be mad at me and his face returns to his previous scowl. 

"He was talking about how rich he was and hitting on all the girls." 

"I hate people like that."  

I'm kind of amazed that I'm actually having a real conversation with him. That hasn't happened since the grocery store when we geeked out about star wars. I keep the bag on my face and continue to talk to him hoping that he won't change his mind and kick me out anytime soon.  

"Those are your bandmates I take it?" He asks after I mention Dallon and Jon. I'm kind of surprised that he remembered that. 

"Yeah. Jon and me were roommates in high school. I ran into him while we were touring and he suggested we start a band. I just met Dallon a few days ago but he's pretty cool." 

"I see..." I can tell he's starting to shut down again and I really don't want him too. I want to learn more about him. 

"Do you like music?" I ask him. 

"No." 

"Just star wars then huh." I tease, "Oh! Did you hear the Ewok talk?"  

"I tossed it in the closet." Ouch. 

"Aw, he talks when you squeeze his tummy."  

"Well you can take it with you when you leave and listen to it talk all you want." 

"I got myself a stuffed wookie." I tell him doing my best to keep the smile on my face. This is the closest I've ever gotten to him. I don't want it to end just yet. 

"You're really annoying. I hope you know that." 

"I've been told quite a lot."  

"Good... I'm glad you know." He picks a blanket up off the couch and wraps it around himself before resting his head on his knees so just the top of his head sticks out. I can't resist reaching out and gently carding my fingers through his hair just once. He doesn't object, just lets out a sigh. 

"I'll go home now" I tell him softly. "Have a good day okay Spencer." 

"Yeah, yeah." I can hear him rolling his eyes in the tone he uses. I stand up and hesitate for a moment, then lean down and press a kiss to the top of his head gently. I place the paper with my number on the coffee table and put the peas back in the freezer before going out to my car and driving home. I'm getting closer I know it. If I just stay persistent then maybe, just maybe he'll come around. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 31 part 2: Voicemail # 1 -November 2015- 

-Spencer Smith, age 28- 

=Los Angeles, California= 

 

The sound of a knock on the door wakes me up early and the morning and I can't help but groan, it's way to early to be dealing with Brendon's constant annoyingness. I don't understand why he can't just give up already. I pull myself off the couch and make my way over the door, ready to tell him off, But when I look out the peephole its not actually him. There's a guy on my doorstep with short brown hair wearing a blue mailman's uniform. He'd look pretty normal except for the tattoos showing on his arm and what looks like black paint on his hands and neck. In his hand he's holding a package, but he's definitely not the guy that normally delivers mail in my neighborhood. Hesitantly I open the door just a crack. 

"Spencer Smith" He says my name cheerfully. 

"Yes?"  

"I have a package for you." He says holding it out with a big smile on his face. I don't know what this guys deal is but he's way to happy to be working.  

"I didn't order anything." I tell him starting to close the door once again. It's probably just another of Brendon's attempts. 

"It's been waiting at the post office for a very long time. I think you should give it a chance at least." He suggests. 

"Why do I keep attracting annoying people..?" I ask myself quietly before I open the door back up and snatch the box out of his hands. "Now Shoo." I tell him, kicking the door closed and going back to the living room with the box. I set it down on the coffee table and eye it suspiciously. Brendon's probably sent me something weird. Hesitantly I open up the box, inside is another box with a picture of a cell phone on it and a folded note. 

  **For Spency.**  

**< 3 R.G.R** 

"R.G.R?" Now I'm really confused. Only one person ever called me Spency but he couldn't have sent me a package. I guess it's a new phone and I really don't need that. I push the box away and lay back on the couch deciding just to watch TV since it's only a matter of time before Brendon shows up. 

I'm just starting to get comfortable when suddenly the phone starts ringing from inside it's box. Now I'm pretty sure it's like going to blow up on me or something. That guy said it had been at the post office for a long time but clearly that’s a lie. It wouldn't be ringing if it had been. He must have given me a bomb or something. I pick up a couch cushion and hide behind it as I use my foot the nudge the box off the table to see if it does anything, but it just lands on the floor with a thud and keeps ringing.  

I figure it's probably not going to blow up now and take the phone out of its box to see who is calling but before I can look at the caller id it stops and the screen lights up saying '1 missed call'.  

"Oops took too long." I shrug. I open up the phone wondering how it had turned itself on when it chimes again and announces that there's a new voicemail. Now I'm really curious so I press talk and the contact number for the voicemail is already displayed near the top. I select it and hold the phone to my ear to listen to the message. 

_"spency_ _... I don't have a long time. The doctor told me I don_ _'_ _t_ _. You're on your way but I'm not gonna be awake when you get here... so I asked the doctor to record me. I love you okay... lots and lots. I made you a lot of promises... we're supposed to grow into cranky old men together but I won't get to do that now... but that doesn't mean that you don't get to grow old. You have to be strong and live for both of us okay... keeping striving towards your dreams. You're amazing and your smile makes the world so much brighter and I don't want to be the reason it's taken away... I'll always be with you. I'll become a ghost or something so I can still sneak into your bed at night...._ _I haven't been drinking. I pretended to so I could look cool... so don't hate anyone for this... I was having fun... okay... I have to go now. I love you spency"_  

"G... George." Despite all the tears I've already shed recently I can feel them begin to run down my cheeks once again as I replay the voicemail repeatedly. "I love you too..." I whisper each time it comes to an end. 

I've listened to it at least twenty times when suddenly the phone vibrates in my hand. I kind of figured it was dying or something but when I pull it away from my ear to look at the screen I see that there's a new text. The number is the same one that the missed call was from. I can feel my heart racing in my chest as I open up the text, part of me thinking that somehow it's George texting me. But I'm given a harsh dose of reality when the text opens. 

**From: (XXX) XXX-XXXX**  

_._  

Nothing, it's just blank. I know it's stupid. Maybe just a wrong number or something, but it's definitely the number that the missed call came from. It's definitely the number that Georgie left me a message from. Maybe it belongs to a doctor or a nurse. Someone that was with George that night. I decide to take a chance and send a text back to it. 

**To:** **(XXX) XXX-XXXX**  

_Hello?_  

The last thing I expected was to get an response right away. 

**From:** **(XXX) XXX-XXXX**  

_Hi?_  

**To:** **(XXX) XXX-XXXX**  

_Who is this?_  

**From:** **(XXX) XXX-XXXX**  

_Ryan. Who is this?_  

**To:** **(XXX) XXX-XXXX**  

_This is Spencer. I just got this phone and I had a call and a text from this number_  

**From:** **(XXX) XXX-XXXX**  

_Really? Weeeiiirrrdddd. Maybe it was a ghost. Lol_  

**To:** **(XXX) XXX-XXXX**  

_Yeah._  

I don't know who this Ryan guy that I'm texting is but I save his number in the phone anyway before I plug it into my laptop and work on a way to get the audio from the voicemail to my computer. 

**From: Ryan**  

_Hmm you have an LA area code right?_  

**To: Ryan**  

_Yeah I guess. I live in LA_  

As I type it I can't help but wonder if maybe it's time to get out of the city. I could find some other place to live where no one could bother me. Live off the grid so Brendon would stop showing up on my doorstep and confusing me. 

**From: Ryan**  

_I know someone in LA but the numbers are way to different for me to have made a mistake._  

**To: Ryan**  

_Really? Maybe the satellites are messing up connections._  

**From Ryan**  

_Well... I don't really talk to him at all anymore_. 

**To Ryan**  

_Did he do something bad? I can hunt him down and give him a good punch._  

_I could really use an opportunity to hit something right now._  

**From Ryan**  

_Haha No it's alright. He broke up with me, but it was a few months ago._  

**To Ryan**  

_That sucks._  

_That he broke up with you_  

_Not that I can't punch him_  

_Though that does also suck_  

**From Ryan**  

_Well it led to me meeting someone else._  

**To Ryan**  

_Oh so then it's not so bad._  

**From Ryan**  

_For the most part._  

_Sooo tell me about yourself stranger._  

_I have a friend named Spencer._  

_Spenser* Damn autocorrect._  

**To Ryan**  

_I'm not all that interesting._  

**From Ryan**  

_Aaww I'm sure you are_  

**To Ryan**  

_No. I do nothing but lay on the couch and watch crappy basic cable_  

**From Ryan**  

_If it makes you feel better I did the same thing til my power got shut off._  

**To Ryan**  

_That's pretty much my plan._  

**From Ryan**  

_Noooo it's sucky_  

**To Ryan**  

_Yeah kinda the point._  

**From Ryan**  

_Sssspppppppeeeeeeeennnnnnnccccceeeeerrrrrr_  

**To Ryan**  

_Oh_ _my..._  

 

I've finally gotten the audio moved to my computer and I'm about to plug in my headphones to listen when I hear a knock on the door. It's either another mysterious package or Brendon, neither of which I'm really eager for. Despite that I find myself pausing the message and putting my computer down to make my way to the door. He knocks again as I peer through the peephole and sure enough Brendon is standing on my porch with that stupid, not at all attractive, smile on his face. 

"Spencer?" He calls my name.  

"And here I thought it would be a good day.... Yes Brendon?" His smile gets impossibly bigger and he bounces a bit. 

"Hi!" He says cheerfully. 

"What do you want today?" I know he won't go away so I decide to open the door up just a crack so I don't have to keep yelling through it. 

"I brought you a cupcake." He holds up a lavender colored box with the name of some bakery written on the top. 

"Why do you keep bringing junk food." I'm not going to give into him ever so he should just give up now. 

"I don't know." He shrugs his shoulders then seems to contemplate something, "I could go get something healthier if you want."  

"No." I promised myself I won't give in, but I still find myself leaving the door open as I make my way back to the living room. I tell myself it's because he'd just invite himself in anyway. I sit back down on the couch and put in one earbud so I can listen to the message and make sure Brendon stays out of mischief at the same time. The phone lights up with a new text so I open it to see what it says. I don't know why I'm still talking to this Ryan guy. 

**From Ryan**  

_=P_  

**To Ryan**  

_You're kinda strange huh_  

**From Ryan**  

_I think you mean kinda cool_  

Brendon followed me into the living room like I knew he would. He puts the cupcake down next to my laptop before plopping down next to me on the couch and sliding his shoes off so he can sit with his legs crossed on my couch. Who does he think he is? Just making himself at home. 

"What are you listening to?" He asks, his voice is way too cheerful for this time of day. I think about lying to him but it wouldn't really make it any easier to get rid of him. 

"Georgie."  

"Huh?" 

"I got this weird phone this morning... and I missed the call... But I listened to the voicemail and it was George's last words to me." I look away from the phone in my hand to meet his gaze, his warm brown eyes not making me want to melt at all.  

"Really?" He looks like he wants to say something else but keeps it to himself instead. 

"Yeah, apparently it was just sitting at the post office." I really don't know why I'm telling him any of this. I know Georgie said not to hate anyone but it's a bit too late for that. I've spent far too long hating.  

"That's awesome Spence." There's that smile of his again. I choose to ignore his use of a nickname for me and look back at the phone. 

**To Ryan**  

_No..._  

_No I'm sure I meant Strange._  

"I texted the number back and I guess it's some random guy named Ryan.... It was his number that called but he says it wasn't him. I think he's kind of strange." I glance at Brendon beside me and he's gone pale, kind of like he'd seen a ghost or something. 

"R...Ryan you said.... Can I see the number?" He asks with a shaky voice. I wonder what's wrong with him all of a sudden. I hold the phone out so he can see the screen. His eyes stare at the screen for a long time before he stares down at where he's twisting his hands on his lap. "That's... That's the Ryan I was telling you about." He says softly, he looks kind of broken. 

"What?" He doesn't respond, just pulls his own phone from his pocket and scrolls through it to find what he's looking for. It takes him a second but when he finds it he holds it out for me to see. This time its my turn to be shocked. The picture he's showing me is my George, but it's not, because the picture isnt of the boy I knew. The picture is of a fully grown man, but I'd know George anywhere. 

**From Ryan**  

_Strangely awesome?_  

"It's... Like I said... Him and George are... are probably a lot alike." Brendon's voice brings me back to the present and I force myself to look away from the picture. That's not my Georgie. 

**To Ryan**  

_I know who you were talking about._  

**From Ryan**  

_Huh?_  

"This is weird..." Is all I can say, this guy who isn't George but looks just like him. How is that possible? Did George have a twin and they got separated at birth or something? How did Brendon manage to meet both of them? Brendon's become distracted by a commercial on the tv so I quickly sneak a picture of him and send it to this Ryan guy. 

**To Ryan**  

_This is him right?_  

_Sure I can't punch him?_  

_He really really deserves it._  

It takes a long time for Ryan to respond. 

**From Ryan**  

_That's him._  

_I'd kind of prefer you don't._  

_I spent the last ten years of my life loving him._  

**To Ryan**  

_Funny._  

_He's ruined the last 11 years of mine._  

**From Ryan**  

_Your last name is Smith isn't it?_  

**To Ryan**  

_It is._  

_I have to go now._  

I can't talk to this guy anymore, this imposter. How does he know my last name? Did he conspire with Brendon somehow? I don't want anything to do with the phone anymore. I toss it away from me and it slides across the coffee table, coming to a stop just before falling off. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them putting my head down. 

"Only one thing good happened today." I mumble, mostly to myself. I got to hear from George one last time. His last thoughts were to contact me. He wanted to tell me he loved me. I feel Brendon's hand come to rest on my shoulder but I just shrug him off. I can't do it, letting Brendon in would feel like betraying George. "You should probably leave." I tell him. 

"Okay..." He says softly. I feel the couch shift as he gets up. Part of me is surprised he agreed so easily, part of me doesn't actually want him to go. That part needs to shut up. "I'll come by tomorrow." He promises. 

"Fine." I don't care anymore. I don't have the energy to fight. 

"Call me if you need anything, alright?" 

"Fine." He stands in front of me for a moment then reaches out and cards his fingers through my hair just once before he leaves my house. I definitely do not like it when he does that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mother of long chapters. Almost there guys. Quit one of my jobs so I'll be able to work on these last few chapters. There's 35 in total. Then something kinda special for you all for putting up with my constant lack of updates. Thank you all for all the support. 
> 
> <3 TayTay


	32. International calling card -November 2015-

=Paris, France= 

-Ryan Ross age 28-

 

"Hello?" I hold my phone to my ear and speak softly as I answer it. Pierce is sleeping on my lap and I really don't want to wake him up. Eddy asked me to watch him while they were in a meeting since I don't understand French anyway. I'm kind of surprised to be getting a call here. 

"Ryan!" 

"Spenser? You do know I'm overseas right? You're gonna get charged a bunch for this." 

"I know, but you never finished the email and I wanna know what you're getting yourself into. I'm very offended you told Jon and not me."  

"I called you, Jon just happened to be the one to answer instead." 

"But then you emailed him." I can almost see the pout on Spencer's face. He's not really mad though. Judging by the soft laughter I can hear Spencer is probably sprawled out on his fiance's lap. They're practically attached at the hip whenever they're together. It makes me think about Eddy a bit. I think he probably does it subconsciously, even before whatever it is we have together started, someone he always finds away to be in contact with me. His arm resting on the back of my seat, his head falling onto my shoulder whenever he sleeps in the car. Sometimes as we're walking his hand will land on the small of my back, guiding me in the direction I'm supposed to go and then staying there for a few extra moments. I like that, after so many years of being with someone I couldn't touch, couldn't hold, it's like I'm being reassured that he is here and he is real. 

"Well I had to email him to tell him the rest of the story. You realize how much this call is going to cost you right?" 

"Unlike some of us I actually thought ahead dingbat. I made Jon stop at the store on his way back from the city and get me like ten international calling cards, since you're obviously just going to be jetting all over the world from now on." 

"Hey I think ahead all the time." 

"Oh really?" 

"Yes really?" 

"Did you remember that you got an notice in October that said you had to pay your rent by the end of the month or you'd be evicted." 

"Obviously I'm going to remember that. When I get my paycheck I'll have more than enough." 

"Ryan." 

"What?" 

"It's November Third." 

"No it's.... Oh my god my stuff." 

"Who's your best friend?" 

"Spenser You've gotta help me." 

"Already fixed it RyRo. Sent my big strong Fiance to pack up all your stuff and bring it to our place." 

"You're welcome!" I hear jon's voice call from the background, he must have gotten up from the couch. 

"You guys are lifesavers." I sigh in relief. Pierce mumbles some gibberish in his sleep then hugs his stuffed Monkey, who's name I've come to realize is actually Monkey, tighter and puts its ear in his mouth. Thankfully he doesn't wake up though. 

"I know we are. Now Jon's gotten us both some hot chocolate and we're gonna cuddle in front of our fireplace and you're gonna tell us the rest of the story. This shits like a romance novel or something." 

"It is not." 

"It totally is." Jon's voice is louder now, I guess I must be on speaker. 

"Now we just want to get to the chapter with all the steamy sex." 

"You are not getting that chapter while his child is asleep on my lap." 

"Story time Ross, get too it." Spencer orders. 

 

 _The sound of an alarm going off woke me up the next morning. I'd grown used to waking up in my freezing cold apartment so to find myself sleeping next to something warm for once made it hard to actually wake myself up. Instead I just pressed closer to the warmth and mumbled for the alarm to shut up, I guess I must have been more asleep then awake because even a hand rubbing my shoulders didn't really seem that weird._  

 _"We have stuff to do." I've always appreciated the way guys sound when they first wake up in the morning, something about the roughness of their voices or something._  

 _"Don't wanna." I mumbled, hiding my face against the warmth._  

 _"You don't want to be fired the day after you got hired do you?" I guess that would be stupid, and it would look crappy on my resume for any future job I'd have to try and get. I move back from the warmth just a bit and stretch my arms above my head, some sort of weird noise coming from the back of my throat that kind of sounded like a dying cat. I open my eyes after that and try to blink away the sleep until the room comes into focus. It's only then that I realize I'm lying face to face with Eddy. In his room, in his bed. The source of the warmth that I had been trying to get closer_ _too_ _just moments before was his body. I can feel the blood rush to my face as I quickly sit up and scoot back to put some space between us._  

 _"Morning." He says casually as he sits up himself and runs his fingers through his_ _bed head_ _, again, something about a guy that’s just woken up is really_ _hot. I don't have time to appreciate it though because somehow_ _I'm_ _sitting in bed with my new boss. No, not just sitting in bed, I just slept with my boss._  

 _"S... Sorry." I manage to stutter out. "I didn't mean to fall asleep."_  

 _"It's fine." He says with a  casual shrug of his shoulders._  

 _"Sorry." I can't help but keep apologizing. I shouldn't have even considered sleeping on the couch, how did I end up in his bed? Did I sleep walk? Did I wake up and ask him if I could? Oh god what if I did something_ _embarrassing_ _in my sleep?_  

 _"It's fine Ryan," He says with a small laugh as he reaches for his glasses on the nightstand. "It was just sleeping,_ _Besides it's_ _easier when you're already here."_  

 _"Right..." I get up from the bed and of course my clothes are a wrinkled mess and I have no idea what I did with my vest, oh right Pierce got Spaghetti sauce on it._  

 _"You can borrow some of my clothes and take a shower." I'm listening to him as he talks but I'm definitely glad my back is too him right now because I've just noticed that another part of me thought it was nice to wake up next to another body and I'm really, really hoping he didn't see it or, oh god, feel it before I got out of the bed._  

 _"Alright..." I mumble. Too_ _embarrassed_ _to say much else._  

 _"Something wrong?" He asks. I can feel my cheeks heat even more and I'm kind of surprised I've got enough blood for both right now._  

 _"Yeah, I um... I'm just gonna shower." He starts to get up from the bed and I hurry into the bathroom before he can really notice anything. I close the door quickly behind me and lean by back against it trying to take a few deep breaths in hopes of calming myself, though I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to take a few extra minutes in the shower at this point._  

 _"The clothes are on the bed. I'm going to get Pierce ready for daycare." Eddy calls through the door. I definitely did not think about opening the door and pulling him in with me. I shouldn't even have this issue when it comes to my boss. Fixing it in his bathroom would be beyond wrong, so instead I just opt for a cold shower. It's not like I haven't taken plenty of those in my life._  

 _I turn on the water in a shower nicer than any I've ever used and quickly strip off my clothes and step into the icey stream. It takes a few minutes for my issue to go away, especially when I'm surrounded by his scent. I use his body wash and shampoo to clean myself as quickly as I can then step out of the shower. I find a towel in a cabinet beneath the sink and use it to dry myself off then tie it around my waist and go back into the bedroom. Like he said there's some clothes laying on the bed that I dress in quickly. The pants are a bit_ _too_ _big around the waist so I have to grab my belt from the pants I wore the night before and put it on. I can hear the sound of Pierce singing the opening theme from some cartoon so I make my way out of the room and find him and Eddy in the kitchen._  

 _Eddy is just finishing up making breakfast and he smiles at me as he sets it all on the table. I can feel my face heat up once again as I take a seat and put some food on my own plate._  

 _"Morning Pierce." I smile at the boy next to me as he shovels scrambled eggs into his mouth._  

 _"_ _Mownin_ _!" He shouts back, spraying some egg onto his plate. Kind of gross._  

 _"Messy little guy huh." I tease him as I pick up a napkin and wipe his face off for him._  

 _"I'm a food monster!" He grins then jumps onto my lap and stabs at a sausage patty with his fork and takes a large bite out of it._  

 _"Pierce, eat your own food. You know better than that." Eddy scolds. Pierce doesn't respond, just puts the sausage back on my plate and climbs back onto his own chair with his lip stuck out in a pout._  

 _"We have quite a lot to get done today." Eddy says, " First we'll go to your place and get you can get all the legal documents you need to get your passport. We'll have to have it expedited so it'll cost just a bit extra."_  

 _I'm not to sure they're actually going to be able to get me a passport in just one day before we're supposed to leave the country, but both him and Mr Owens seem to think that it'll be no problem so I just nod my head and agree._  

 _"We'll get your passport from the passport office, then we can go to the store and get you some work clothes, then home again to pack everything up. Our flight leaves at ten tomorrow morning."_  

 _"Right." Not that I_ _'ll have a lot to bring with me other than some pajamas and stuff. My apartment is kind of miserable to look at right now so_ _i'd_ _rather just use the new clothes, maybe steal a couple of Eddy's shirts for my own use. Though I would miss my skinny jeans so maybe I should just grab those while I'm at the apartment, just in case we have some off time in Paris._  

 _"I believe that's everything right? I don't remember much from yesterday other than needing a major nap." He picks up his coffee mug and takes a long drink from it._  

 _"Yeah I'm pretty sure."_  

 _"Awesome." He puts his mug down and picks up his fork. We both seem to notice at the same time that Pierce has done the same thing. Eddy smiles to_ _himself and eats a large bite of his food, watching as his son does the same. The second bite he takes is much smaller and Pierce copies that as well. "_ _Copy_ _cat_ _"_  

 _"Copy_ _cat." Pierce repeats with a grin. The two proceed to make faces at each other across the table, Pierce trying to copy whatever face his dad makes, until Eddy crosses his eyes and Pierce can't do it._  

 _"So close." Eddy chuckles. He picks up his fork once again and continues to eat like nothing happened, it's actually really cute watching him interact with Pierce._  

 _"I wanna do it too Dada." Pierce is still trying to cross his eyes._  

 _"When you're bigger you can." Eddy tells him._  

 _"Dadaaaaaaa"_  

 _"Ppiiiiieeeee" Pierce sticks his lip out, pouting once again and reaches his arms out towards his dad. Eddy gets up and walks around lifting Pierce out of his seat. The small child clings to his father and hides his face in his shirt._  

 _"Ready for daycare?" Presses a kiss to the top of his head._  

 _"Nooo."_  

 _"Well go get ready."_  

 _"I did all that Dada."_  

 _"Then can you put the dishes in the sink so I can get ready." Pierce considers it for a moment, pretending to stroke and imaginary beard before nodding his head. Eddy puts him down and Pierce goes around the table picking up the plastic plates the bring them to the sink._  

 _"Thank you." Eddy smiles._  

 _"I'll help him clean up." I get to my feet and push my chair in grabbing a few things off the table myself._  

 _"Thanks Ryan." Eddy heads to his room, his hand briefly resting on my shoulder as he passes me, making my face warm once again. I work with Pierce to clean up everything and get the dishes in the dishwasher and try really hard not to think about Eddy in the shower._  

 _I'm holding Pierce up to the sink so he can wash his hands when_ _Eddy_ _comes back out. He's dressed just as professionally as ever in a custom made suit, this time though his jacket is still_ _drap_ _ed_ _over his arm and when he turns to adjust his tie in a mirror I can see just how perfectly his pants fit him. I realize I_ _'ve been staring when I hear a soft chuckle and look up to see him watching me in the mirror with a slight smirk on his face. Damn him and his attractiveness._  

 _"If everyone is ready we should head on out. There's a lot to get done." Eddy walks over and picks Pierce up in one arm then looks at me. I barely manage to nod my  head to acknowledge that I heard him. I slip my shoes on quickly while Eddy grabs a spiderman backpack from a hook on the door and then we're heading back down the elevator and out to where Eddy's car is parked. I open the back door for him and watch as he buckles Pierce in, before turning around and holding out the key to me. Guess I'm still the driver._  

 _I take the keys and get in the passenger seat, waiting for Eddy to get in and buckle up before starting the car and backing out of the spot. To be honest driving his car is a little_ _nerve wracking_ _. I know nothing at all about cars but his is very clearly new and very expensive. I could only imagine what would happen if I were to crash it. Eddy seems to trust me because his eyes are closed and I'm pretty_ _sure he's going to fall asleep again. I find the address for the daycare in the GPS once again and make my way there._  

 _It's a lot easier to drop Pierce off than to pick him up, I have to bring him and his_ _car seat_ _inside because apparently his grandparents will pick him up in a couple hours. All I have to do is sign him in and a worker takes him from me and brings him to the proper classroom. I wait until I can't see him anymore then go back to the car and get in. My house is next so I head in that direction, humming along with the music on the radio._  

 _"I'm just going to run in and grab my things," I tell him as I park the car on the side of the road in front of my building._  

 _"You don't need any help?"_  

 _"No... Um it's kind of messy so I'll be quick." As enticing as the idea of being alone in my apartment with Eddy and my bed is I know that it would just lead to him realizing that I have no electricity or water and Then he'd probably try and offer to pay for it or something and I_ _can not_ _let him do that._  

 _"Alright. Let me know if you need any help okay." It almost, I know he didn't really mean it that way, but it almost sounded a bit suggestive. I can't help but wonder if he did notice this morning and I hurry out of the car and up to my apartment_ _quickly before I can do or say anything to embarrass myself._  

 _My room really is a mess like I said, clothes tossed everywhere and I don't think I've ever actually made my bed beyond putting the fitted sheet on it._ _It_ _takes me a few minutes but I'm able to uncover my_ _accordion_ _folder with all my important papers in it. I tuck it into a backpack with my laptop and head for the door. I see_ _there's a box sitting on my coffee table. Hesitantly I walk over and pick it up, I open it and inside all I find is a cell phone battery. With a sigh I stick it in my pocket and head back down to where Eddy's waiting for me in his car._  

 _"Got everything?" He asks as I climb in and stick my bag in the backseat._  

 _"Yep, I mean yes." Way sound smart._  

 _"You can talk casually you know." He laughs._  

 _"It's not professional."_  

 _"So?"_  

 _"I don't know." I glance over at him and smile a bit, trying to keep my blushing to a_ _minimum_ _. "Where to?" I ask him. He opens his mouth to say something but seems to think better of it and leans forward to put an address into the GPS before_ _staring_ _out his open window. We drive in silence for a few minutes before I remember the phone battery in my pocket. Where did it come from? Is there something I need my phone for? Did Brendon answer me?_  

 _"Um... So what did happen to my phone?" I remember telling him to get rid of it that day outside the coffee shop. I'd been so consumed by my depression at that point. Part of me hopes he really did get rid of it._  

 _"I'm pretty sure it's in the glove box." I stop the car at a red light and feel for the battery in my pocket. I think about it for a few seconds before I pull it out and hold it out to him._  

 _"Can you switch the battery for me?" He nods his head and takes my phone out of the glove box, I can see that it’s a little scratched from me throwing it but other than that_ _its_ _fine. He puts the new battery in it and hands it to me as it powers up. I have to start driving again but thankfully the next light is also red. Eddy hands the phone back to me and I can feel his eyes on me as I check my texts and look through to see who left voicemails._  

 _"Any messages?" He asks._  

 _"No, nothing important." Texts and missed calls from_ _Spenser_ _, Jon, and my last job. Nothing from Brendon. What was the point in the new battery? How did it get into my apartment?_  

 _"Oh." He looks back out the window resting his head on his hand. I think about what Mr Owens said about him being jealous and I can't help but wonder if that was true. It's not like we've really known each other that long at all... but... No I'm sure it's nothing. I drop the phone into a cup holder and focus on the road and not crashing Eddy's car._  

 _"You'll have to give_ _mr_ _Owens your phone number and email address."_  

 _"Yeah... I'll probably need your number too." Just business, not flirting. Eddy picks my phone up and I can see the change in his face when he sees my phones wallpaper, a selfie Brendon took laying in his bed shirtless after he'd just woken up._  

 _"There you go." He goes to put it back in the cup holder but I stop him._  

 _"Could... Could you change the wallpaper for me?" Things are confusing enough right now without me_ _drooling_ _over my ex boyfriend._  

 _"Oh sure." He kind of seems almost relieved as he changes it then drops it back into the holder._  

 _"Thank you." I mutter._  

 _"You don't have to thank me for that." I can feel his eyes on me again._  

 _"_ _Its_ _stupid but... yeah." I have a lot I need to get off that phone before I'm comfortable using it. A lot I need to get off before Eddy somehow finds it on accident. He chuckles at me and I can't help but_ _pout_ _a bit. I don't like being laughed at._  

 _"Aw don't make that face." He reaches across the_ _arm rest_ _and pinches my cheek._  

 _"Not the cheeks." I reach up and take his hand to move it away from my face and as soon as our hands touch_ _its_ _like_ _theres_ _an electric current or something running between us. I think Eddy must have felt it too because he quickly pulled his hand away and looks out the window with an undeniable blush on his cheeks. I decided that now would be the time to test the waters a little bit. Despite my best efforts I'm pretty sure we've both been attempting to flirt with each other._  

 _"So... Are there any rules or anything I should know?" I ask, my voice seems to startle him. He jumps a bit and turns to look at me._  

 _"Huh? Did you say something?" I wonder what he was thinking about. I wonder if he would_ _let me hold his hand again._  

 _"I_ _asked_ _if there were any rules or anything I should know." I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I_ _know that it's still really soon after I broke up with Brendon. I know that Eddy is supposed to be my boss. I know that there's a lot wrong about this situation but I can't help myself. I don't want to be alone anymore._  

 _"Oh um..." He tries to think of some._  

 _"Like... Any rules about interoffice relationships." I offer._  

 _"Oh... Well... I mean you shouldn't... But there isn't a rule about it."_  

 _"So_ _Ii_ _t's_ _froned_ _upon?"_  

 _"Kinda? But not really. People do it all the time... So I guess no is the real answer."_  

 _"Okay."_  

 _"Why do you want to know?"_  

 _"Curiosity."_  

 _"Oh... That's it?"_  

 _"Well yeah... and you know... It's good to know just in case. Since I am single right now." I glance at him and see that he's staring intently out his window, his cheeks are still tinted pink._  

 _"_ _Right_ _, of course. Gotta keep the options open and all that." He reaches up and tugs at his tie, loosening it a bit. "It's kind hot isn't it?" He rolls his window up and turns the air conditioner. I don't mention that it's_ _October_ _and we live in_ _New York._  

 _"Is it?" Well at least I was right about him being attracted to me. I'm not just imagining things, and seeing him flustered like this is kind of cute._  

 _"Uh huh, yup. Hot... in this car... Vehicle."_  

 _"Okay." I smile._  

 _"_ _Yup." I_ _park the car in a lot outside of a building that must be the passport office. "Oh good we're here. Let's get you a passport." He says quickly changing the subject. He fumbles with his seat belt. I grab my bag and my phone and I'm able to get out and hurry to the other side of the car to open his door for him. He stares at me for a second then blinks a couple times before speaking._  

 _"You didn't have to open it for me you know." He says softly._  

 _"I wanted to."_  

 _"When it's just the two of us..." He looks away from me, the blush returning to his cheeks full force. "Just don't do it okay."_  

 _"But I like to."_  

 _"Fine." He gets out of the car, making sure not to look right at me. He grabs my hand and I barely have time to close his door before he's pulling me towards the front door._  

 _Eddy talks to the clerk first, keeping his voice low and taking out a checkbook. She hands him some paperwork and a clipboard and I have to fill it all out while she makes_ _copies of my birth certificate, my ID and my social security card._  

 _"I'll wait outside." Eddy tells me, he places a hand on my back for a second then heads out the door to sit in the hallway._  

 _It takes me a while to get the papers finished and she has to take the picture a couple different times, because apparently I can't have my bangs in my face, so the picture comes out looking really weird. She tells me that it'll be ready in a couple of hours and I head back towards the hallway. I can see Eddy sitting down through a small window in the door. He's doing something on his phone._  

 _Before I can walk out of the room my phone rings and I answer it quickly not even bothering to check the caller Id. "Hello?"_  

 _"It's about damn time you answered."_  

 _"Mr Patel." Shit, it was my landlord. He started yelling at me about my rent and my utility bills. Eddy had noticed me by then and his eyes kept shifting between me and his phone, his foot tapped on the ground quickly. I end the call, deciding to deal with that later and make my way out of the room and over to Eddy._  

 _"Sorry it took so long."_  

 _"Everything okay?" He asks._  

 _"Yeah, my friend was worried because I didn't call him when I normally do." I lie._  

 _"oh." He stands up and sticks his phone in his pocket. "Are you done with the passport_ _suff_ _as well?"_  

 _"Yup we just have to pick it up later before they close."_  

 _"Good. On to the shopping then." He heads for the door and I follow him out. I can't help but glance at his hand as we walk. He seems to be able to tell because he grabs my hand and quickens his pace. "hurry up_ _slow_ _poke_ _." I smile and hold his hand._  

 _"Yes sir." His blush deepens and he stops when we get to the car. I unlock it then open his door for him before he can. He gets in and buckles up, looking everywhere but at me. It's pretty cute, now that the flirting isn't quite as_ _suttle_ _he's starting to get flustered by it._  

 _"Where should we go?" I ask him. He mentions the name of some store I've never heard of so I have him look it up on the GPS before I start driving. It's in a more expensive area of town, I probably can't even afford to breathe in whatever store it is he's taking me too._  

 _We both keep our eyes on the road for the most part but_ _every now and then I catch him glancing over at me. "So what about relationships between employees and their supervisors?" I ask._  

 _"I'm not sure... There isn't a rule, and I know some people have slept with the lower managers and stuff." I wonder if all office workers sleep with their secretaries. I wonder if Eddy would consider sleeping with his assistant._  

 _"So there wouldn't be a problem?"_  

 _"Not that I know of."_  

 _"Cool." I stay focused_ _of_ _the road and Eddy sits beside me quietly. We're stopped at a red light when he reaches over and fixes a strand of my hair that was still messed up from my passport photo. I glance over at him and he blushes and puts his hands on his lap._  

 _"Hair... Your hair was... Yeah."_  

 _"Thanks Eddy."_  

 _"You're welcome."_  

 _"It's not much further." There he goes changing the subject again._  

 _"That’s good." I drive until the_ _GPS_ _tells me to turn into a parking lot and thankfully I'm able to find a spot not to far from the front. Once again I'm able to get out and go around to open Eddy's door before he can. He gets out and together we walk towards the store. His hand slips into mine and I can feel myself blush. He's not making excuses for it anymore and I have to admit it is really nice to have a hand to hold. I bump my shoulder against his gently, with a smile on my face. Suddenly he stops walking and I turn around to face him._  

 _"Ryan..." He says my name softly and I can see how nervous he looks in his eyes._  

 _"Yeah Eddy?"_  

 _"Do..." He takes a deep breath. "Do you like me because I look like him?" He looks down at the ground. I'm surprised. He usually seems so confident but now it's like I'm seeing a whole new side of him. For the first time I notice that I'm actually taller than him. I step closer to_ _him, leaving_ _just a_ _little_ _bit of space between us and lift his chin so he's looking into my eyes._  

 _"Honestly, at first it was because of that. But it's not anymore. Other than when I checked my phone I haven't thought about him this whole time I've been with you. It's just you on my mind." Eddy closes his eyes and leans towards me a bit more._  

 _"That's relieving... I was worried you would end up calling me by his name or just using me to replace him.... I haven't felt this way with a guy before." He brings his hand up between us and grips my, his, shirt."I don't want to end up alone again..." That last part is almost a whisper. I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him against my chest._  

 _He hasn't said it, I haven't asked, but I know what he's talking about. He meant Pierce's mom. When they were talking about getting her flowers in the coffee shop he meant to bring to her grave, that’s why he used to see her everywhere. He's experienced a loss far greater than just losing a long distance boyfriend and yet he's done his best to cheer me up._  

 _I card my fingers through his hair gently as he hides his face in the crook of my neck. It feels so good to hold him like this. To be close to him. I don't care that we're outside some fancy store and that people can see us. The only thing that matters to me right now is him. We stay that way for a few seconds and then he lifts his head and looks into my eyes. I can't help myself, I smile at him and press a quick kiss to his nose._  

 _"Ryan..." I press another kiss to his cheek and his gaze drops to my lips._  

 _"We still have lots to do huh." I say softly. He doesn't answer. His gaze meets mine once again and I can see all his emotions in his eyes. The longing and the fear. I didn't want to admit it but I'm falling head over heels for this man. I press our foreheads together and cup his cheek._  

 _"How am I supposed to get anything done with you looking at me like that huh?"_  

 _"I can't help it." His grip on my shirt tightens a bit and I know he's waiting for me to kiss him, but I'm kind of nervous. I've got absolutely no experience with any of this._  

 _"I um... Did I mention that kissing you in the coffee shop was... was kind of my first kiss." I admit. He looks a bit surprised at that._  

 _"It was?" He asks._  

 _"Yeah..." Now it's my turn to blush. He looks at me for a minute then places a hand on the back of my neck._  

 _"It wasn't as good as it could have been then."_  

 _"Well the sudden rejection kind of stung." I joke. He smiles at me and pulls me close, pressing our lips together. I hold him tight as I melt into the kiss. I press closer to him and he nips at my bottom lip. I gasp at the warmth it causes in my stomach and he takes the chance to slip his tongue past my lips. I don't want this to ever end but all too soon he's moving back away from me. He clears his throat and fixes his glasses that have become askew._  

 _"We um... We should go buy that stuff now."_  

 _"uh... uh huh." I can't even think straight right now let alone process what he just said. "Um... Sorry what was that?"_  

 _"Shopping." He chuckles, a bright smile on his face._  

 _"Right... Okay." He takes my hand again and leads me into the clothing store. I definitely could not afford to even step foot in this place on my own. A clerk measures me and with Eddy's help he brings over a few suits. Eddy says something about Armani and the clerk rushes off the bring back a whole other set of suits and then I'm ushered into a fitting room._  

 _I pick up a grey suit first and try it on. It fits so well it feels like it's made for me and I step out of the fitting room to ask Eddy if it's okay. He looks up from his phone and his eyes widen, the blush creeping onto his face again._  

 _"Is it good?" I ask. He nods his head, still staring at me._  

 _"How many am I supposed to get?"_  

 _"At least seven."_  

 _"But... but they're way to expensive."_  

 _"Don't worry about that."_  

 _"Eddy..."_  

 _"Go try on some more." He instructs. I sigh and roll my eyes._  

 _"Fine but I have no clue how to do a tie." I go back into the dressing room and I can't help but smile to_ _myself. I have a feeling he wants me to try on the others more for himself than anything. I try on what feels like a thousand more and finally we decide on seven and Eddy has the clerk go put them in bags and ring it all up._  

 _The total could probably pay for two semester of Pierce's college, Eddy goes to sign and then realizes that I'll need shoes. So of course the clerk leads us over to the shoes and the whole process starts over again, this time just ending with three pairs thankfully. Three pairs of_ _Italian_ _leather, handcrafted shoes. Jesus_ _christ_ _this is way too much money for clothing._  

 _"Eddy... Are you sure this is okay?" I keep my voice low while the clerk adds the shoes to our total._  

 _"What?"_  

 _"That's... it's a lot of money."_  

 _"Is it? I've spent more than that in an hour." He shrugs. I think rich people might be slightly crazy._  

 _"I'm lucky if I make that in a year... I didn't even know my shoe size before today!"_  

 _"Really?"_  

 _"Um... well..." I look down at the black vans on my feet. "My friend gave me his old ones a while ago. They were a little big at first but they fit okay now." Eddy leans closer and kisses my cheek then looks away. I smile and hold his hand, lightly brushing my thumb over the back of his knuckles._  

 _"Kissing is really fun." I tell him._  

 _"Hush." He blushes._  

 _"Nah." Eddy hands his card to the clerk then puts his hand on my cheek and kisses me, he moves his lips from mine much too soon and smiles at me._  

 _"Just felt like doing that." He says. He takes the_ _car keys from my pocket and gives them to the clerk and tells him to put the bags in the back and the clerk_ _scurries_ _off to do just that. Eddy and I walk after him at a slower pace._  

 _"Kay." I fidget a bit before adding. "You should do it again." Eddy rolls his eyes but he stops walking and kisses me once more._  

 _"You are real right?" I say against his lips._ _He_ _moves back a bit to look me in the eyes. "I'm not gonna wake up alone on my couch or something am I?'_  

 _"I'm real Ryan. I'll be with you when you wake up." He grins and adds, "preferable naked."  This time it's my turn to blush and hide my face. I wrap my arms around his waist and just let myself enjoy the feeling of being held by him._  

 _"I_ _want that. All of that. I want all of you but... Is it okay if we wait a bit..? I mean... obviously I've never done all that and it's... I want to be absolutely sure."_  

 _"Of course." Eddy rubs my back gently and kisses my cheek. "I don't want to make you do anything you're not ready for."_  

 _"Thank you Eddy."_  

 _"You don't have to thank me."_  

 _"I want to. You've been really good to me."_  

 _"Because I like you."_  

 _"Thank you." I kiss his cheek._  

 _"You're welcome Ryan." I move back away from him and we share a smile before walking the rest of the way to the car. The clerk hands the keys back to Eddy and he heads towards the drivers side._  

 _"I'm not driving anymore?"_  

 _"Hmm" Eddy plays with the keys a bit. "Go ahead." He hands them to me and smiles._  

 _"You sure?"_  

 _"Yeah I like watching you drive."_  

 _"Okay Eddy." I step closer and give him a quick kiss. "What do we have to do now?"_  

 _"I think that’s it. We can bring this stuff to your place, or go out somewhere. Whatever you want."  The idea of having Eddy in my house, near my bed, pops into my head again and I can't help but blush. I'm not ready for everything yet.... but I could definitely practice kissing._  

 _"My place sounds good." I fix his shirt a little bit and a thought comes to me. "It won't cause any problems at work right? I mean a lot of bosses date their assistants but they aren't usually open about it. Will we have to keep it quiet? If... if we date I mean... Or are we already dating? Or... not..?"_  

 _"I don't mind having such a cute boyfriend." He smiles. "I won't keep it a secret unless you want to. So_ _its_ _up to you."_  

 _"Secrets suck."_  

 _"They do indeed." He says holding me close._  

 

"George Ryan Ross." Spenser's got that scolding tone to his voice. 

"I didn't do it." 

"Do you know how long I have had to listen to you complain about being a virgin?" 

"Nooo" 

"eighteen years." 

"It has not been that long." 

"Yes it has." 

"Shut up Spense." 

"No. Why did you tell him you wanted to wait." 

"Because I did." 

"You did???" 

"Do... I meant do." 

"You totally did it didn't you." 

"Not talking about this toddler present." 

"You just told me all about wanting to make out with his dad. You have no excuses." 

"Okay okay so... Well... Um... Mr Owens took Pierce to some kids theater last night and me and Eddy were alone in this big fancy hotel suite and you can see the eifle tower out the window and....." 

"Oh my god you did!" 

"It was just... God it was perfect Spense. Soooo perfect." 

"How scandelous." Spenser teases. 

"I know. I know but..." I can feel the smile on my face that I get whenever I think of Eddy. "He's just been so perfect. We're going to have a whole day to ourselves soon. He promised to show me anything I want to see." 

"Hopefully most of that includes our bedroom." I can feel Eddy's warm breath on my neck as he leans over the back of the chair so he can be heard over the phone. 

"Oh my god he is real!" I can hear Spenser laughing at his own joke. 

"Oh shut up spense." I pout. 

"Never." I can just see the smug grin on Spenser's face. Eddy takes the phone from my hand and holds it to his own ear. 

"Ryan has to go now. I'm sure he'll tell you all about it later." Eddy laughs at whatever Spenser's response is and then hangs up the phone and hands it back to me. His lips meet mine and I can't help but smile into the kiss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow my fingers hurt.... Finished with five minutes to go before my manager got to work. Love you all! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	33. Take a chance on me -November 2015-

=Los Angeles, California= 

-Brendon Urie, age 27- 

I'm nervous about going back to Spencer's house. He must be upset with me; he's been in contact with Ryan. Did they talk about me? What if Spencer hates me more now? What about Ryan? He has another connection to my universe now, does he want to get in touch with me, and do I want to talk to him? Well, yeah I definitely want to talk to him but it's just not fair to either of us after all this time. The phone was given to Spencer, not me. Whoever created this connection must not think I need Ryan anymore, or maybe it's Ryan who doesn't need me. I know I told Spencer that I would be back the next day but I've got too much on my mind to even get up, let alone drive across town to get a door slammed in my face. So I spend the day just watching trash TV shows and promising myself that I'm not going to listen to or look at anything that reminds me of Ryan. This of course means I have to skip band practice for a day too. I'm sure the guys won't mind the break. We're almost done with our album anyway. 

The next day I'm feeling better. I've melted my brain with reality TV and junk food and once again I've managed to lock away all feelings of Ryan back into the little corner of my brain where they belong. Mama Wentz lets me take her car, as long as I promise to put gas in it and pick her up some groceries for dinner on my way home, and I'm on my way to Spencer's house. I'm not expecting much, He hates me after all, but when I ring the door bell it's only a couple of seconds before the door is swinging open. Spencer looks at me with almost a pouty look on his face and I can't help but smile, he's adorable. Maybe I should have been jealous all those times Ryan went on and on about his best friend. 

"Hey Spence." I greet him. 

"Where have you been?" He crosses his arms. 

"Huh?" 

"You said 'I'll come by tomorrow' but you never showed up." He's upset. Was he waiting for me?  

"I'm sorry. Something came up and I thought you might have wanted a break from me..." After you told me I should leave. He's opens his mouth to say something but just shakes his head instead and makes his way back to his living room, I take the fact that he left his door open as an invitation and follow him inside. 

"I'm trying not to hate you..." He tells me as he sits down on the couch, keeping his arms crossed. He's still pouting and I really want to pinch his cheeks. 

"You missed me a little bit." I tease. 

"Psh hardly" He scoffs. 

"I brought chicken Caesar wrap things." I remembered him complaining about the unhealthy food I was bringing him. I hold up the bag and he takes it from me, quickly taking out one of the wraps and taking a bite. "You did eat yesterday, right?" I ask him. He doesn't say anything, just continues to eat. "You did right?"  

"Uh huh, yeah." He takes another bite, he's definitely lying. 

"Spencer." I pinch his arm gently, "I'm gonna have to bring you food every day then. Okay?" 

"Ow..." He looks at his arm and then at me and he's got such a sad look on his face that I really can't resist. I lean over and press a quick kiss to the spot I pinched. 

"I'm sorry. You have to take care of yourself." His cheeks flush pink and he turns his head away from me. 

"Shut up." He mumbles. 

"I brought two wraps. Do you want the other one too?" 

"No." He finishes the last bite of his so I take the wrapper from him and go to the kitchen to put the other in the fridge. When I come back he's sitting with his legs crossed and the Ewok I got him sitting on his lap. I smile as I sit back down next to him. 

"Nice Ewok." 

"It was kinda cute. I guess."  

"It's adorable and you know it." He hugs the Ewok and it talks a bit. "I brought the movies; do you want to watch them?" I motion at my backpack; I came prepared this time and stole Pete's box set. He'd kill me if he knew but it was worth the risk. Spencer nods his head so I get up and put episode three into his DVD player. 

We make it through two movies and just a few minutes into the third Spencer starts to yawn, and a few minutes later he leans against my shoulder and his breathing evens out. He's sleeping against my shoulder and it's really cute. I wrap my arm around his shoulder and hold him close. His arms wrap around my waist and he presses closer to me. My side is pressed into the armrest and it’s a little uncomfortable. I don't want to wake him through. I manage to shift us so that we're both lying down on the couch, he moves closer to me so he's mostly lying on my chest but it's a lot more comfortable like this. I like having him close me like this.  

I can't really get up to change the movie so when it ends I just restart it. It's almost to the same point when Spencer first fell asleep again when he starts to stir. He yawns and brings a hand up to run the sleep from his eyes. 

"How did we end up like this?" He asks still sounding half asleep. He hasn't pushed me away and yelled yet so I guess its okay. 

"Um... You fell asleep on me and I guess I just moved so we could both be comfortable. I didn't want to wake you up."  

"Oh." He lets out a yawn and his eyes drift shut once again. "Okay then..." He drifts in and out of sleep and I can't help myself, I bring my hand up to card my fingers through his hair. He keeps his eyes closed but he's got a smile on his face and he snuggles closer to me gripping my shirt. I kiss the top of his head and he turns to look up at me. I must have pushed my luck. 

"Sorry." I apologize. 

"It's not fair..." His eyes are filled with confusion and sadness and I wish that I could chase it all away. I wish I could bring his smile back. 

"What's not fair Spence?" 

"I want to kiss you." He sighs, his gaze dropping to my lips for just a second. 

"You... You do?" I wasn't expecting that. I thought he still hated me. 

"But I don't." 

"Oh..."  

"Well... I shouldn't..." I brush his hair back from his face and wait. I know that he's got more to say but I don't want to push him. "I'm really confused." He says softly. 

"It's alright." I really can't think of what to say. 

"You'll really come every day?" He asks. 

"Well someone has to make sure you get food in your belly." I tease him and poke his stomach. He laughs a bit and pushes my hand away and it's probably one of the cutest laughs I've ever heard.  

"Don't do that." He scolds me. I just grin and hold him close with one arm and tickle him with the other. He starts laughing and trying to push my hand away. 

"Stop Iiiiitt" he manages to get out as he laughs. 

"Your laugh is too cute."  

"Noooo" 

"Alright alright." I let him go and he acts annoyed but he's got a small smile on his face.  

"Now I have to pee" He pouts. He gets up from the couch and goes down the hall to the bathroom. I sit up on the couch, a smile on my face; He's finally letting me in. Something vibrates between the cushions and I don't feel my phone in my pocket so I reach down to pull it out. It's a phone but it isn't mine and it isn't the phone that he had the other day, so it must be Spencer's actual phone. I unlock the screen and see that he's got a bunch of new notifications, missed calls, texts, his voicemail box is full and there's like forty something Facebook notifications. I know I shouldn't pry but there's no lock on his screen so I swipe up and check the missed calls. Several of them are saved numbers, Work appears several times as well as mom and dad and some other names. There's quite a few that are unknown though.  

I lock the screen and set it down on the coffee table, I really did make a mess of things for Spence. The phone that he got the other day, the one that he was talking to Ryan on is sitting on the coffee table as well and holy shit is it tempting me all of a sudden, but Spencer is finally opening up to me and I'm starting to like him. I don't want to blow that. I lean back on the couch and sit on my hands so that I know I won't just grab it. I'm glad I didn't because Spencer comes back just a few seconds later. He would have definitely caught me. 

"Your phone rang." I tell him. He looks at the two phones on the table and sees the notification light flashing on his personal phone before shrugging his shoulders. 

"You can put it back under the cushion." 

"Spencer." 

"I don't want to talk to any of them. Just put it back." He walks past me into the kitchen and I hear the water in the sink running. Before I can say anything else the lights go out leaving us in almost total darkness. "Thought I had more time." I hear Spencer say to himself. I get up from the couch and manage to locate my own phone tangled in the blankets and use the flashlight to navigate my way through the piles of stuff and into the kitchen. 

"Hey Spence, come on let's go out somewhere." 

"I don't want to..." He looks down at the plastic cup that he's holding in his hands. I walk closer to him and lightly place my hand on his arm. He stays there for a second then puts the cup back down and leaves the kitchen. I try to follow him out but it takes me a bit longer and when I reach the couch he's laying back down with his blanket wrapped around himself.  

"Spencer come on." I kneel down next to the couch. 

"No. I'm not going anywhere." He says stubbornly. I move the blanket back a little bit and cup his cheek, the light from my phone makes his eyes sparkle. 

"You can't live like this. You have a family and friends that are worried about you." 

"I don't care." He pushes my hand away then rolls over so his back is too me. 

"Spencer..." 

"None of them matter to me. They weren't there when I needed them... Not back then... When I really needed someone to worry about me." I can hear the hurt in his voice and I just want to wrap my arms around him and keep him safe. 

"At least call your mom..?" 

"No." 

"Did you give them a chance last time?" 

"I did." 

"Why not give them one last chance? I know it hurts but people make mistakes... I think everyone deserves a second chance." 

"Just drop it. I don't want to talk to them." 

"Okay." I sigh. Today has been going really well and I don't want to ruin that. I don't want him to push me away again. "Where's your electricity bill?" 

"I don't know. Still in the mailbox probably." I get to my feet and make my way outside to his mailbox, it's gotten a little chilly out so I quickly grab everything and head back inside. I clear some space on the table in the dining room so I can use the light from my phone to sort through the mail until I find the right one. I decide to just open it and scan the pages until I find the total. It's three hundred and eighteen dollars and it was due a week ago, which means there's probably going to be a late fee. I'm supposed to be saving money for the band, and I was really hoping to buy myself a new guitar. But I can't leave Spencer here in the dark and I promised him I'd hang out here with him and I don't want to sit in the dark either.  

I call the phone number on the letter and take my credit card out of my pocket. I'm just reading off the last few numbers when a pillow hits me in the side of the head. 

"Don't pay my bills." Spencer is sitting up now, looking at me over the back of the couch. I give my cards expiration date and the three numbers on the back then hang up and make my way over to him. "Why did you do that?" 

"Because I wanted to." 

"You can't just do stuff like that." He sighs. I walk around the couch and sit down next to him. At least I've gotten his attention again. 

"I'm gonna be here every day with you. I don't want to sit in the dark." 

"I guess..." He mumbles as he lies back down. I move his bangs back from his face and his eyes drift closed. 

"They said it will be back on in the morning." 

"Okay."  

"Do you want me to go or can I crash here?" 

"I guess you can stay if you want. There isn't much I can do anymore." I smile at the small victory and kiss his forehead before I start to lie down beside him. He pushes me suddenly and I fall onto the floor. "You use the bedroom." He pulls the blankets up over his head to hide from me. I sit up and rub my back a bit. 

"Okay, okay I'll sleep in the bedroom." I get up from the floor and pat where I think his head is under the bundle of blankets then head down the hallway. I'm almost surprised to see that there is a bedroom; it's pretty obvious that he spends every night on the couch. The room is a little dusty but there's none of the clutter like in the living room and the bed is made. I kind of doubt that it's ever actually been slept in. I pull my shirt off and slip off my shoes before climbing into the bed and closing my eyes. I lay there for a few moments waiting for sleep to come but it never does. I keep thinking about Spencer huddled up on the couch alone. I get out of bed once again and make my way out to the living room. 

"Spence?" I whisper his name, not wanting to wake him up if he's already fallen asleep. 

"Yes?" 

"I can't sleep."  

"What do you want me to do about that?" 

"Can't I stay out here? I won't kiss you."  

"The couch is mine. You're not allowed to sit on it anymore." He's still really cute when he's trying to be grumpy. I go over and clear a space for myself on the floor then sit down beside the couch. His head isn't under the blanket anymore. 

"Are you mad at me?" 

"No." 

"Okay..." I know I won't have any chance of sleeping comfortably on this floor so I start to get back up. 

"...Brendon" I barely hear him call out to me. 

"Yeah?" 

"Tell a story." 

"You want me to stay out here?" 

"Okay." I sit back down and I can feel his eyes on me. "Well, go on." Still so bossy. I start to make up a story to tell him. Something about a knight going on an adventure, working with his friends and fighting monsters. I probably couldn't remember it even if I tried. It works though, halfway through Spencer drifts to sleep. I smile at him and press a kiss to his forehead.  

"Sweet dreams Spencer." I should go back to the bedroom but I want to just sit here with him a bit longer. He can't yell at me when he's sleeping. I rest my head on the couch, probably a bit too close to his but I'm sure it'll be fine for now. I tell myself I'm just going to rest my eyes for a few minutes but before I know it morning comes. 

I wake up to the feeling of someone playing with my hair, and it's kind of nice so I keep my eyes closed until I hear my name being called so I open them to look into Spencer's eyes. 

"Morning." He says softly. 

"Morning." 

"Why didn't you sleep in the bedroom?" 

"I guess I fell asleep after the story." 

"Your body is going to be sore now." He sits up and crosses his legs, making sure the Ewok is on his lap. I sit up straight and try to stretch, wincing a bit. 

"Oh yeah definitely." When I look at him again he's got a pout on his face. "What's wrong?" 

"Now I feel bad..." 

"Don't." I smile at him. "You looked so cute I couldn't resist staying out here with you." 

"I'm not cute." 

"You're really cute." 

"No I'm not." 

"You are." I grin as Spencer shakes his head at me. I sit up on my knees and lean forward to press a kiss to his cheek. His face flushes red. "You want pancakes?" I ask him as I get up. He grabs my hand and starts to say something but stops. He looks at our hands for a moment then let’s go. 

"Yes to pancakes..." He says softly. I want to know what he was really going to say but I just head to the kitchen and start to cook. I can feel his eyes on me whenever I pass by the doorway and I remember that I'm not wearing my shirt but I don't really care too much. 

"Do you want chocolate chips?" 

"Yeah." 

"Okay." I pull them out of the cabinet and start to mix them into the batter. 

"Do you not wear a shirt when you sleep?" 

"Nope." 

"Ever?" 

"Well if I just fall asleep in random places I do but if I actually take the time to get ready for bed I don't." I smirk a bit because I'm pretty sure he's enjoying the view. "Most of the time I don't wear pants either." 

"I... I see." He stutters. 

"Why?" 

"No reason." 

"Are you sure?" I turn to look at him and I have to fight the urge to laugh. His face is beat red and he's trying to hide it with the stuffed Ewok.  

"Cook the pancakes!" He orders. I just laugh and keep cooking, he's really cute. "Don't you have stuff to do? You can't possible hang here every day."  

"I've got band practices but not until the afternoon and then they only last a couple hours since we're just putting the finishing touches on now." 

"Can... Can I go?" He asks hesitantly. I peek out into the living room and see that he's looking down at his hands. 

"Of course you can."  

"Okay." He gets up from the couch and opens a drawer taking out some clothes before disappearing down the hallway. I can hear the water stop running a few seconds later. I put some pancakes in the microwave to keep them warm for him then make a plate for myself and sit on the couch to eat them. He comes back out a few minutes later, I think this is the first time I've seen him all cleaned up since the first day we ran into each other. He's got on fresh clothes and he's even shaved. He definitely looks good. 

"Well don't you clean up nice." I tease him. "Your pancakes are in the microwave." He goes to the kitchen and comes back with his own plate then sits next to me eating them. 

"Good?" 

"Uh huh." 

"Great." I turn the TV on to some random channel and watch the show that’s on while we eat. Spencer glances at me then leans against my shoulder. "I still think you should let them know you're okay. I won't push you too but if one of my friends disappeared I'd want to know he was okay." 

"No." Spencer takes a large bite of the pancakes and continues to stare at the TV. 

"Okay." When he finishes eating Spencer takes both our plates and puts them on the coffee table before leaning against my shoulder again. Since my hands are free now I wrap my arm around him and hold him close to me. He hides his face against my chest, but I can feel his lips turn up in a smile. I place my hand on his head and play with his hair.  

The show on the TV turns into cartoons and after a while I can feel Spencer's eyes on me. I look down at him and our eyes meet, a blush spreads across his face. 

"What is it?" I ask him. 

"I... Nothing."  

"Spence?" 

"It's nothing." He sits up straight and crosses his arms. I remember what he said earlier about wanting to kiss me and I wonder if that’s what he was just thinking about. 

"Alright..."  

"You should get your shirt on..." He mumbles. I'd honestly forgotten that I wasn't wearing one. I'm so used to not wearing one when I'm just laying around the house.  

"Alright." I get up from the couch and go to the bedroom to give him some space. I'm happy to be able to spend all this time with him, I know I've probably spent a majority of it getting on his nerves but he's finally warming up to me and I don't want that to go away. I think I'm starting to develop real feelings for him. I Like when he's close to me and those rare times when he smiles make me feel like I've got a million butterflies in my stomach. I haven't felt this way in a long time, I really missed it. 

I grab my shirt from where I dropped it on the floor and pull it over my head before walking back towards the living room. I catch a look at my reflection in the mirror and see that my hair looks crazy so I try to fix it quickly before he sees me again.  

"Is this better?" I ask him as I drop down next to him on the couch. 

"Yes." He says, but it's not very convincing. He stares straight ahead at the TV; probably trying to act like he doesn't care I'm here. I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder and watch the TV as well. There's some cartoon on now. He starts to fidget a bit after a minute so I sit back up to make sure he isn't uncomfortable, but he holds onto my arm and leans against me instead. His cheeks are flushed pink and it's probably the cutest thing I've ever seen. I want to kiss his cheek but I'm not ready to be pushed off the couch again. 

"Hey Spence." 

"Huh?" 

"Let's go somewhere." I suggest. 

"Right now? Don't you have to go to practice soon though?" 

"We’ve got time." 

"You sure?" 

"Yeah, I've got to pick some things up anyway." 

"… Okay" He says hesitantly. I press a quick kiss to his forehead before I stand up and pull him to his feet. We're standing almost chest to chest for a moment until he moves back and goes to turn the TV off. "I don't know where I put my keys..." He sighs as his eyes scan his living room. 

"I'll help you look for them." I promise.  

"They should be... somewhere in the mountain of mess." He starts to look for them and I help, making a mental note to try and get him to clean up a bit later. I move some clothes from a pile on the floor to the laundry basket that sat next to them and the keys fall to the ground from the pocket of a pair of pants. I pick them up and hold them out to him. 

"Found them." He stops what he's doing and looks over then walks over and takes them. 

"Okay we can go now." I flash a smile at him and his cheeks tint pink, I head to the front door and hold it open for him. He steps outside then waits for me to step out and shut the door so he can lock it. We're making our way to the car when I can feel a bit of panic nagging at the back of my mind. I'm nervous about driving with Spencer in the car. I don't have very good luck with guys and cars but I push it back into a corner of my mind and lock it away. I've made so much progress with Spencer, I've finally gotten him out of his house and I don't want to mess that up.  

I hit the button to unlock the car before I get into the driver’s seat and start it up. Spencer gets in and pulls the door shut behind him. 

"Buckle up." I remind him, keeping my voice light. He does so and looks out the window as I begin to drive.  

"So where are we going first?"  

"I have to stop and pick up some guitar strings. Apparently it's my fault they're all broken or something."  

"Alright." We drive in silence after that but it's not really awkward or anything. The radio's playing softly so I hum along with it. I glance at him for a moment while we're stopped at a light and he turns his head to meet my gaze, I can't help but smile at him. 

"You're just getting guitar strings right?" He asks as I pull into a parking spot outside a music store.  

"Yeah, do you want to come in or wait?"  

"Wait." He says softly. I nod my head and get out of the car. I'm not going to push him, the fact that he even came for a ride with me is more than enough, as nerve wracking as driving with him in the car is.  

"Alright I'll be quick." I promise him as I unbuckle myself and hop out of the car leaving it running. I hurry into the store and check the text that Jonn sent me about the strings to make sure that I get the right ones for his guitar. I guess it is fair that I have to buy them since I was the one that broke them. I definitely wasn’t supposed to be touching his guitar let alone playing it, so it's my fault they're broken. It takes a while but I manage to find the right brand and buy it then head back out to my car. 

"Miss me?" I ask Spencer as I sit down in the driver's seat. He's got his eyes closed and I try my best not to stare at his lips, it'd be so easy to just lean across and kiss him.  

"I guess." He looks at me with tired eyes and I really just want to wrap him up in my arms and promise to make all the bad things go away. I'm going to prove myself to him; I'm going to show him that he can be happy again. I want to see him really smile.  

Since that was really the only important errand I had to run I decide to do the rest of the stuff another day and take him to get ice cream instead. It was going really well at first. From the car to the shop he held my arm tightly and stayed close to me. We sat down in a booth to eat and he looked really cute, so I took out my phone and took a picture of him as he licked the cone. 

"You're so cute." I tell him looking to see how the picture came out. I set it as my wallpaper. 

"Not cute." Spencer keeps his eyes focused intently on his ice cream as a blush paints his cheeks almost the same color as his strawberry ice cream. 

"You're really cute." I tell him, holding the phone out so he can see. His cheeks darken and he shakes his head. I want to say more to him but my ice cream starts to melt onto my hand and I have to lick it off quickly to keep from making an even bigger mess than it already has. 

"That’s what you get for lying." Spencer says with a small laugh.  

"I wasn't a lying."  

"Uh huh." 

"Nuh uh." 

"Uh. Huh. You spoke lies and now you suffer the melted ice cream consequences." He says with a nod of his head. He's really too cute, and I'm extremely dumb. I lean across the table and lick a bit of his ice cream that’s starting to drip. His face falls and his eyes start to fill with tears. 

"Hey, no I'm sorry. That was so dumb of me." I start to panic, "Spence... please don't cry."  

"Just take it." He holds out the ice cream and he looks so upset that I'm worried I'll start crying. I'm such an idiot. 

"I'll buy you another one."  

"I don't want anymore." 

"I'm sorry Spence. I'm an idiot. You can hit me or yell at me... Just... Just don't cry okay. I don'[t want to be the one that makes you stop smiling anymore. I just want to see your smile. I'm sorry." 

"Take it." He says, his eyes trained on the table as he tries to blink back the tears. I take the cone from him and toss them both out in the nearest garbage can before going back to the table. Spencer's wiping his eyes with a napkin and I feel like a horrible person for upsetting him. 

"Spence?" He looks up and meets my gaze but stays silent. "I'm sorry..."  

"It's fine..."  

"Can I sit by you?" 

"I guess so." He doesn't sound too sure but when I sit down next to him he leans his body against mine and closes his eyes. I wrap my arm around his shoulders and hold him close to me and rest my head against his. 

"I'm sorry." I apologize again.  

"It's okay." I wipe my hands on my pants quickly then reach up to play with his hair. He shifts a bit next to me so he can hide his face against the crook of my neck and I can feel my face warm as he breathes softly.  

"I want you to keep smiling." I whisper, pressing my lips to his temple. "So... whatever you want just ask and I'll do everything I can to make it happen." I want to take care of him, I want to protect him from all the bad stuff in the world. 

"Kay." His lips brush against my neck and I try my hardest to keep by body from reacting.  

"Good." I press another kiss to his temple and I can feel his lips turn up into a smile. "There it is" I tease him. 

"Shush." 

"You're so cute." 

"Are we done yet?" He asks, I can't really see his face but it's not hard to tell that he's pouting. 

"Ah yeah sorry. Do you want to go?" 

"Yes." 

"Okay." I get up and hold out my hand to him and I'm a little surprised he takes it as he gets up. We head back to the car and like before he stays close to me, holding my hand with his own and the sleeve of my hoodie with the other. I unlock the car door and open it for him, he doesn't let go of my hand until he's sitting down. I close the door when he's in all the way and get in myself. 

"Is there a name for your band?" He asks after a few minutes of driving. 

"Um it's still a work in progress really. We've got some ideas." 

"Like?" Spencer turns his head to look at me. 

"Um well... I had this idea when I was in high school." When Ryan and I would talk late into the night about our future together. "I was going to start a band and call it Panic at the disco... but I'm not sure all the guys are quite for it yet." Spencer chuckles a bit and I can feel my own cheeks heat up. "It sounds dumb huh..." 

"Nope."  

"It's not?" 

"Nah. It's unique." 

"You'll have to tell Dallon and Dan that for me." 

"Okay." He says.  

Things start off well as the studio. We're the first ones to get there since we left early to run our errands. I give Spencer a quick tour of the building and he looks at everything in awe. I know that Ryan used to tell me all the time that his Spenser played drums. He'd tell me that we were all going to be in a band together. Himself on guitar, Spenser on drum, Jonn (who was still my roommate at the time) on bass, and I would sing. I wonder if my Spencer knows how to play the drums as well as he does in the other universe but I'm afraid to ask. It might remind him of George and upset him.  

We hang out together in the studio for a little bit, I play around with my keyboard singing whatever comes to my head while Spencer watches me. I'm a little nervous to sing in front of him but he seems to enjoy it. Jonn is the next one to arrive. I introduce them then Jonn sits down to play around on his computer while we wait for the rest of the band.  

"I hope Brendon hasn't been too hyper." Jonn teases. I stick my tongue out at him and abandon my keyboard in favor of sitting next to Spencer on the couch. 

"I'm never hyper. Right Spence?" I look towards Spencer with my best pouty face and he just lets out a sigh and rolls his eyes. I scoot closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder smiling. 

"Brendon did you bring him here on a date?" Jonn asks watching us closely. "I thought we went over proper date etiquette already." I try not to think back on high school before Ryan. John got me a date with his girlfriend’s best friend and apparently paintballing was a terrible idea. Even if it was really fun. 

"I'm not on a date with him." Spencer says defensively as he pushes me away. I lose my balance and end up falling onto the floor.  

"Jonn look what you did." I pout.  

"Sorry?" Spencer pulls his legs up onto the couch and hugs them tightly resting his head on his knees. I get back up and kneel in front of him. 

"Don't mind him okay Spence..." 

"Shut up." He snaps. I frown and sit back on my knees. I was getting so close. It's awkward for a second, I can feel Jonn watching us closely and it's a little embarrassing. "You... You don't actually have to..." Spencer mumbles as he peeks at me through a curtain of his hair, I can see that his whole face is flushed red. "Just... do your rehearsal stuff like I'm not here okay."  

"Well we can't start until at least Dallon gets here. Dan might be late I know he had a class today." Jonn speaks up, he's staring intently at his computer screen trying to act like he wasn't just watching me and Spencer. I'm sure he'll want to talk to me later, him and Pete have both been trying to get me to date since things ended with Ryan but Jonn's the only one who really knows the truth about the breakup. I get up off the floor and sit back on the couch, leaving some space between Spencer and myself this time. 

"Oh! Jonn! Spence likes the name Panic at the disco too!" 

"How did you even come up with that?" Jonn asks. I could tell him that it was Ryan's idea but again I'm worried about upsetting Spencer. Now that he knows that Ryan and George are basically the same. I wonder if he's talked to him since he got the phone. 

"It's pretty odd isn't it?" Spencer thankfully speaks up before I can answer. 

"And we're a pretty odd bunch so it works." I grin. 

"Then you should use it." Spencer nods. I could kiss him right now. 

"Alright, alright. We'll run it by Dallon and Dan again. I'll support you if that’s what you really want. I let out a cheer and Spencer smiles beside me. I notice Jonn staring at Spencer now and I'm glad that I can trust him because Spencer is all mine and I'd have to shank somebody if they tried to take him from me.  

"Doesn't he have a pretty smile." I say reaching over to pat Spencer's back. He hugs his knees tight again and ducks his head down to hide his blush. I rub his back gently and he peeks at me before falling towards me still tucked up in a ball. I can't help the smile on my face as I wrap my arms around him and tuck his head under my chin. I really hope that we'll get closer from now on. I want to be with him.  

"Hey Spence." 

"Yeah?" He asks as he snuggles closer against me. I press a kiss to his head and I'm about to tell him how I feel about him when the door to the studio bursts open and Dallon comes inside. 

"I'm not late!" He announces as he places his guitar case down gently, he looks around the room his eyes coming to rest on me and Spencer. I feel a little bad when I see him, remembering that he'd invited me over to his place last night to watch a movie. 

"You're totally late." I tell him. Dallon takes in the position we're in and raises an eyebrow. 

"Who's your friend Bren?" 

"This is Spencer, he's super cuddly. Spencer this is our bassist Dallon." I introduce them, rubbing Spencer's arm gently. Spencer lifts his head a bit and waves at Dallon.  

"Hello." Dallon says slowly. He meets my gaze a more serious expression on his face. "Since you guys look so cozy I'm guessing I'm too late..." I know what he's really asking but I can't answer that, Dallon is a good guy, he's attractive and maybe we could have had something but I'm drawn to Spencer. Sitting here with him in my arms feels so right. I couldn't give that up.  

"You're only a few minutes late. We're gonna get started without Dan for now." I say quickly. I rub Spence's back gently and nudge him to sit up. "I gotta get up Spence." He sits up straight a bit reluctantly and allows me to get to my feet. 

We all get ready to practice and I can tell that Dallon's kind of upset about Spencer. He keeps moving into my space and at one point he stands close in front of and fixes something on my guitar strap that I'm pretty sure didn't need fixing. Behind him I can see Spencer watching us with a frown on his face. I move back from Dallon again and wink at Spencer, making him smile again. 

I make my way over to him and sit down on the couch beside him still playing the song. It's a love song and I know it’s a little cheesy but I hope he can tell how I feel about him. I want him to know that I do care. I look him in the eyes as I sing the ending of the song, it's not an original but it’s good for a warm up and I think it would be fun to play on a stage. Spencer looks down at his lap when the song finishes.  

"You... You were good." He says. 

"You think so?" I can't help but grin as he nods his head. 

"Dallon why don't we work on getting your parts recorded." Jonn suggests, something in his tone tells me that he notice Dallon's attitude too and is trying to distract the older man. Spencer and I watch as Jonn and Dallon step into the booth to set up. 

"I don't think he likes me very much." Spencer says with a frown. He looks into my eyes and again I have to resist the urge to kiss the frown off his face. 

"No, no I think he's mad at me. We had plans to meet and I forgot. I guess he waited a long time for me to show." I admit. 

"Brendon..." Spencer's frown grows and that the opposite of what I want. 

"What's wrong?" I ask him. He reaches over and pinches my arm. "Owie what was that for?" I pout. 

"For forgetting to meet him. It better not have been when you were pestering me." He scolds. Technically it was when we were cuddled together on his couch but I have a feeling it’s better not to mention that. 

"No, no it was a few days ago. I found some old video games and kinda forgot to stop playing for like an entire day." I feel bad for lying but I don't want to upset him more. 

"Dork." Spencer rolls his eyes. 

"But I'm an endearing dork right?" I ask batting my eyelashes at him.  

"Maybe" Spencer says after a moment's thought. I flash him a smile then head over to the sound board to help Jonn with the equipment. We don't actually have a producer to work with yet so we're trying our best to put things together on our own. Then Pete promised to help us get signed to a label if we're any good. Dallon is struggling a bit with the tempo of the new song we've been working on so I grab a pair of drum sticks and step into the booth to sit down at the drum set in there. I play for a bit together with Dallon and when I glance up through the window I can see Spencer on the couch looking upset. Jonn's saying something but I don't hear him.  

I drop the drumsticks and get up hurrying out of the sound booth and over to Spencer, I kneel in front of him and put my hand on his shoulder. "Spencer? What's wrong?" 

"I'm going to get some air." He shrugs off my hand and just like that he's running out the door.  

"Spencer!" I jump up and run after him ignoring Jonn calling my name. Spencer doesn't stop until he gets outside and then he bends slightly with his hands on his knees and takes deep breaths. I stop beside him and wait a moment until he stands up straight once again. 

"Sorry..." He mumbles looking down at the ground. 

"You don't have to apologize." I place my hand lightly on his back, when he doesn't shrug me off again I rub his back gently wondering if he's really okay. "What's wrong?" I ask him gently. 

"It's nothing... I just needed some air." 

"Okay." I press a kiss to his forehead, I know he's lying. I know that if I pushed more I might be able to get a real answer from him but everything's been different today. Everything was going so good, I could hold him and give him small kisses and it made me so happy to see him like this. I can't lose that. 

"Don't worry about it..." He's got a smile on his face but it doesn't look right, he looks broken.  

"I'm going to worry anyway." I tell him as I wrap my arms around him and pull him close to me. "I... I care about you Spence." 

"It's only because you feel guilty." He's looking away from me and practically radiating sadness. I tighten my arms around his waist and press my forehead against his, making him look me in the eyes. 

"It's not." I tell him, hoping my voice can carry how true that statement is. "I'll admit that at first I did feel guilty. But that's not why I kept coming back to see you. I like being around you. I like seeing you smile and I like being close to you." 

"Brendon..."  

"It's not guilt. Understand?" Spencer nods his head and I move back just a bit so I can press a kiss to his forehead. "You believe me right? I really care about you." 

"I... I believe you." He places his hands on my chest his fingers gripping my shirt. I can't help but kiss him again, this time on his cheek before I put our foreheads back together. Neither of us says anything for a minute, we just stand there looking into each other’s eyes.  

"Brendon." He says my name again and I really want to kiss him.  

"Yeah Spence?" 

"K... " His face flushes red as he struggles to say what it is he wants. "Kiss me." 

"Are... Are you sure?"  

"Yes." He sounds sure this time so I bring a hand up to cup his cheek, keeping my eyes trained on his in case he changes his mind. I run my thumb over his bottom lip lightly then lean in pressing my lips to his. 

It's perfect. It's more than perfect. His lips are chapped from being bitten so often and he's shaking a bit but his lips move against mine and he presses closer to me and everything just feels right. It's like the whole world has melted away around us and I want more with him. I want a real relationship, I want to fall asleep next to him and wake up in his arms and I want to kiss him again and again. 

When I break off the kiss he doesn't move, his eyes are still closed and his cheeks painted red, his lips are wet and parted slightly and I can't even think of anything to say, I close the distance between us once again and melt into his kiss unable to keep a smile off my face. 

"Hey Spencer?" 

"Y... Yes?" 

"Will you go on a date with me tomorrow?" 

"A d...d.... Date?" 

"Yeah." I grin at him. 

"I... o... okay." He smiles back. 

"Really?"  Spencer nods and I can't help but press kisses all over his face. He laughs and turns his head away pressing lightly on my chest. We kiss a few more times and then I'm able to lead him back up to the studio. I kind of rush us to finish early for the day but even then by the time we're done he's fallen asleep on the couch.  

I crouch down beside him and reach out to brush my hand against his cheek whispering his name. He stirs a bit and presses his face into the cushion mumbling. I press a kiss to his head and he cracks his eyes open a bit. 

"I fell asleep..." 

"Yeah but that’s okay." 

"You sure?" 

"Of course. You're cute when you're asleep." 

"You and that word again." He yawns. 

"Alright, how about handsome?" I ask him. 

"I accept that." He smiles back at me and I can't help but hug him. 

"Now you're smiling and you're cute again." I tease pressing kisses to his cheek. We gather up our things, Dallon's already left but Jon's on his computer again with headphones in. I say goodbye to him and lead Spencer out of the studio and back out to my borrowed car. I wish I could stay with Spencer longer but I need to return mama Wentz's car to her.  

I open Spencer's door for him before getting in myself and begin the drive back to his house. I'm humming along with a song on the radio when he speaks up. 

"I see it now..." 

"See what?" I ask glancing at him. 

"Why Georgie was attracted to you." I come to a red light and take the chance to look at him fully. "You're quite loveable in your own way. Even with what happened... I can't stop myself."  

"Thank you Spence." I reach across and lace my fingers with his. 

"You don't have to thank me." 

"You gave me a chance." 

"I... Didn't have much of a choice. You're very persistent."  

"Well thank you for not punching me or something." I grin at him. He chuckles at that and squeezes my hand. 

"You're welcome." We share a smile and I lean over to give his cheek a quick kiss before I start to drive again. "Where are we going to go tomorrow?" He asks. 

"Hmm, where do you want to go?" 

"I don't know... I don't really go out remember." 

"Okay." I think about it for a minute and then get the perfect cliché idea. "I know where I'm going to take you but it's a surprise."  

"Aw." He pouts. 

"Don't worry it will be fun."  

"I'm sure it will be." The drive ends far too soon and I'm parking in his driveway. I get out and open his door for him then lead him up to the front door. "What should I wear tomorrow?"  

"Just casual clothes should work. Maybe shorts? It’s supposed to be warm." Spencer scrunches up his nose and I laugh and kiss his forehead.  

"Trust me?" 

"Fine... But no shorts."  

"Alright." I put my hand on his cheek and run my thumb over his lips. "I'll see you tomorrow. Noon okay?" 

"Yes." 

"Perfect." I kiss him gently, tangling my fingers in his hair as he kisses me back. I want to stay here kissing him forever but I know I should save that for the date. I force myself to pull away from him and promise to see him tomorrow before I get back in the car and start driving home. I feel a lot happier than I have in a long, long time. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a couple more chapters to go and then it's the end of the longest distance. Thank you all for all the love you've given this story and for putting up with my horrible grammar and sketchy updating schedule. I'm really proud of this one and while I'm sure it's not ending the way you all expected it too I hope you'll still enjoy it as much as I do. 
> 
> Love you all
> 
> Celine Taylor~


	34. Sipping champagne -November 2015-

=Paris, France=

-Ryan Ross, age 28-

I woke up early in the morning and almost freaked out until I remembered where I was. Eddy and I have been in Paris for three days now. It's mostly been work but today is a day off and he promised to take me around to see the sights. He's still sleeping beside me with his arm wrapped around my waist, my back pressed against his chest. I can feel his breath against the back of my neck each time he exhales. His hand is against my stomach and I've never felt more comfortable. The sun is just barely peeking in through a crack in the curtains and I want to just close my eyes and go back to sleep. But unfortunately I woke up because of my bladder.   

It's not easy to slip out of Eddy's arms and make my way over to the bathroom, picking my boxers up off the floor on the way. I can't believe that I'm really in Paris with an amazing guy. I know him and I haven't been together long but it just feels right to be with him. It feels right to be held by him. It's all happening so quickly but I really am starting to fall in love with him.   

I use the bathroom quickly and wash my hands. My hair is a mess but I'm not worried about that right now, hopefully I'll be able to get back in bed and fall asleep without waking Eddy, just in case I brush my teeth and go back to the room. This hotel is nicer than anything I've ever seen. Nicer than any apartment I'd ever be able to afford. It's got a living room a kitchen and a balcony then two bedrooms, one of them is made for a kid with cartoon characters all over the walls and tons of toys. The master bedroom looks like its fit for a king.   

The bed is king sized and there's like a million fluffy pillows, most of which are on the floor now, there's a switch on the headboard that turns the light on and off. A huge en suite bathroom with two sinks and a Jacuzzi bathtub and a separate walk in shower with like three shower heads. I've never seen so much luxury. I rinse my mouth out and pull on my boxers then go back to the bathroom and crawl back into bed. As soon as I pull the blanket over myself Eddy's arm wraps around my waist and he pulls me back against his chest. His eyes are still closed so I'm guessing he's not completely awake. I press a kiss to his shoulder and cuddle close to him content.   

"You're wearing too many clothes" He mumbles, his voice thick with sleep. I can feel my cheeks heat up and a shiver runs through my body as his hand trails down my back and come to rest on the waistband of my boxers.   

"I... um... I was cold." I tell him. He presses his lips against my neck and I can feel his lips turn up in a smile.   

"Should I help you warm up?" He whispers the words in my ear, nipping at my earlobe.  

"T... That sounds good. Yeah..." I tell him. His lips move back to my neck biting and sucking on my sensitive skin as he slips his hand under my boxers. I can't help but tilt my head back to give him more access, my hands coming up to grip his shoulders as he works on a particularly sensitive spot.   

"Daaaaddaaa!! Ryyyyaaaannnn!!!" Pierce's voice comes through our bedroom door and the door handle jiggles. I'm glad we remembered to lock it last night. Eddy groans and gets up from the bed. He pulls on a pair of sweatpants and tosses me a shirt before heading to the door. I notice he tossed me his own shirt instead of mine that had been lying right next to it and smile a bit as I pull it on.   

He opens the door and as soon as he does Pierce bolts into the room and jumps onto the bed. He bounces around talking to quickly for either of us to understand before he falls onto my lap in a fit of laughter. "Oh my goodness." I can't help but chuckle.  

"Someone is hyper this morning." Eddy laughs as he joins us back in the bed. He lifts Pierce off my lap and I'm definitely grateful for it since I've got a little bit of an issue now. Eddy gives me a knowing smile and lays Pierce down on the bed before starting to bury him in the pile of pillows.   

"Dada!" Pierce says before breaking down into another fit of laughter. Kids are so strange sometimes.  

"I think I know a little boy that's already gotten into some sugar this morning." Eddy says.   

"Maayyybeee~"  

"Well then I guess that little boy is so full of sugar he doesn't want any waffles for breakfast"  

"Yes!" Pierce gasps as his head pops out from the pillows. "I want waffles. I want all the waffles."   

"Blueberry?"  

"Nooo Choco chips Dada. No blueberries."  

"I don't know you've already had sugar."  

"I need Choco chips. Ryan tell daddy to get me Choco chips." Pierce wiggles himself out of the pillows and holds onto my arm looking up at me with a pout on his face. Apparently I'm a sucker because I can't help but pick him up and give Eddy the same pout.  

"Eddy, He wants Choco chips." I tell him. Eddy rolls his eyes but he's got a smile on his face as he gives in and picks up the room service menu from the drawer and holds it open so I can see it.  

"What do you want to eat Ryan?" I scoot closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder as I look it over and try to figure out what I want. I know I'm in France for the first time in my life so I should try something exotic but chocolate chip waffles actually sounds really good right now. Mr. Owen's took Pierce with him to dinner last night and Eddy and I just came back to the hotel after work. I didn't really think about how hungry I was until now.  

"Um I think I'll have some waffles too and maybe some eggs?"  

"Sounds good." He smiles then kisses my cheek and Pierce's head before getting out of the bed and going to the living room to order the food. I can't help the smile on my face. This all feels so domestic or something.   

"Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan."  

"Yeah Pierce?" I look down at the child.   

"Thank you for Choco chips." He stands up on the bed and kisses my cheek.  

"You're very welcome Mr. Pierce. Why don't we get up and get dressed huh."   

"I have to take bath!" He announces. I chuckle and get up off the bed lifting him up as well before heading to his bedroom. Eddy's still on the phone so I help Pierce pick out an outfit for the day and start running the bath for him.   

There's some bubble bath stuff on the side of the tub so I put it in and make sure the water isn't too hot before helping him into it. Pierce brought some action figures with him and he sits in the water playing with them while I clean him with a washcloth. I've just started to wash his hair when there's a flash of light. I look at the doorway and see Eddy holding his cellphone. "You guys are too cute."  

"I'm not cute." Pierce and I say at the same time. Eddy starts laughing and walks over to sit on the edge of the tub; he leans down and presses a kiss to my lips then fills a toy with water and covers Pierce's eyes to pour it over his head. Since Eddy's here now I leave him to finish Pierce's bath and go back to our bedroom to get ready for the day. Originally I'd had my own room across the hall but the first night I ended up falling asleep on the couch and once again waking up in Eddy's bed and I just kind of stayed there. We didn't really talk about it at first, I'd start to leave to go to my room and Eddy would catch my hand or his eyes would meet mine and I knew I wouldn't be going to my own room. After the third night Eddy went to the front desk and told them to check the room out so we didn't have to keep paying for it.  

In the shower I can't help but think back to the night before. After he found out he was my first kiss Eddy's been patient with me. He makes sure that I'm comfortable with everything that happens between us and constantly stops himself to ask if I was okay. Up until last night we hadn’t really gone much past some heavy making out, and a bit of over the clothes touching. Last night was the first time we went beyond that. I close my eyes now and lean back against the cool tile of the shower remembering it.  

_It was already getting dark outside when we returned to the suite and we were both tired from the day of meetings and running around the city. I went to the bedroom and set down Eddy's briefcase and shrugged out of my jacket. I started to loosen my tie when Eddy's arms wrapped around my waist and he pressed his lips against my neck._   

_"God you look amazing in this suit." He mumbled, his lips brushing against my skin with each word. I_ _leaned_ _back against him and tilted my head to the side as he began to press kisses to my neck, his fingers working to quickly unbutton my shirt. I turn in his arms and shrug out of my shirt letting it fall to the floor, my tie falling soon after. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my body close to his as he ran his hands over my chest and back settling low on my hips as his lips met mine. Just like always his kiss was electric, I'd gotten a lot better at it since our first kiss. I tugged softly on his bottom lip with my teeth and the moan that left his throat ran right through my body._   

_I tangled my fingers in his hair keeping him close as his lips left mine to trail kisses along my jaw and then down my neck, his teeth nipping at my skin. My pants had grown tight and I could feel him against my thigh. I knew that Eddy wouldn't push me into anything but I was ready. I had wanted this for days._   

_"Ed... Eddy" I panted out his name as I pushed his jacket off his shoulders. He stopped his kisses, breathing heavily against my neck._   

_"Sorry... Sorry I got carried away. I'll stop."_   

_"No. God Eddy do not stop." I grabbed a hold of his tie and backed up until the back of my legs hit the bed and I fell. Eddy stood at the foot of the bed, between my legs and he looked down at me with dark eyes._   

_"Ryan... Are you sure?" He asked, running his fingers through my hair gently. The gesture was so different from the hurried kisses we had shared just seconds before and my voice caught in my throat. Instead of answering I pulled him down by his tie until his lips met mine. Eddy cupped my cheek in his hand and kissed me back; it was slow and filled me with warmth I hadn't felt before. He pulls away just long enough to pull off his tie and shirt._   

_He moves back to me quickly and places his hands on my sides to move me further up on the bed. He leaned over me and pressed another quick kiss to my lips before moving back to study my face._   

_"Tell me what you want Ryan." His voice was low and his eyes were filled with something I couldn't name but I was sure that it showed in my eyes as well._   

_"You. Eddy I want you please." I practically begged him._   

_"Well since you asked so nicely." He chuckled a bit and then he was back to kissing me, his lips trailing down my chest and the hand that he wasn't using to hold himself up was-_   

"Did you drown in here Ryan?" I open my eyes and through the fogged up glass of the shower I can see Eddy standing in the doorway of the bathroom watching me with a knowing smirk on his face.  

"Where's Pierce?" I ask him. Eddy steps further into the bathroom and slips off the pajama pants he'd thrown on earlier.   

"Watching Spiderman and eating chocolate chip waffles. Making a terrible mess probably." He opens up the shower door and steps inside. I can't help but let my eyes trail down his body as he steps closer to me. "Mind if I join you?"  

"Not at all." I smile at him and wrap my arms around his neck when he's close enough. His hands rest on my hips and he presses a chaste kiss to my lips.   

"It's a shame we couldn't have a little more time this morning." He kisses my cheek and pulls me closer. I lean against him and rest my head on his shoulder, just enjoying the feeling of his body against mine.   

"We don't have much time now either." I remind him. Since I've been with him I've learned that Pierce can't be left alone for long without making a mess and it won't be long before Mr. Owens comes to pick Pierce up.   

"We've got the whole day to ourselves." He reaches to the side of the shower and I hear a pop as he opens up the body wash and then his hands are running all along my body and really there's just no possible way I could say not to that.   

By the time we finish with our shower and get dressed Mr. Owens has already arrived and he's sitting on the couch wiping syrup off of Pierce's hands and face. He glances at us with a smirk then stands up and lifts Pierce onto his shoulders.   

"About time you boys got out of bed." He teases us.   

"Well we weren't in bed." Eddy walks over and picks up Pierce's backpack off a chair and hands it to Mr. Owens. "You'll be a good boy today right Pie?"  

"The bestest Dada." Pierce leans down and presses a kiss to Eddy's cheek with a smile on his face.   

"Thank you for taking him Mr. Owens. I know he's very excited."  

"Please you know I love spoiling this little monkey. Besides you two lovers need some alone time. You're in Paris! Enjoy yourselves."   

"We will, trust me." I can't help saying. Mr. Owens laughs and he starts to head for the door when Pierce yells.  

"Stop Grandpa!"   

"Grandpa?" Eddy asks with a raised eyebrow.  

"What’s wrong Pierce?" Mr. Owens asks ignoring Eddy.  

"I gotta kiss Ryan bye bye."   

"You... You do?" I'm a little surprised that he remembered me. I walk over to him and he puts his hand on my head, gripping my hair as he leans down to press a sloppy kiss to my cheek. He sits up straight again with a big smile on his face as he holds onto Mr. Owens head.  

The two leave soon after and it's just Eddy and I again. I look at Eddy with a grin and find him grinning back at me. His wraps his fingers around my wrist and tugs me against his body and presses a kiss to my cheek.   

"Let's eat quickly. There's a lot for us to do today before Pierce comes back." Something in the tone of his voice tells me that he's not just talking about sightseeing. I go to the cart brought up by room service and lift the sparkling silver covers to find my waffle and move it to the table so I can sit down to eat it with a glass of milk. Eddy sits across from me to eat his own food. It's hard to focus eating when he's looking at me with those dark eyes. I'm almost torn between wanting to see Paris and staying in bed with him all day.   

The day spent with Eddy is perfect. We take a cab into town and then spend the day walking around. I was nervous at first that he'd keep his distance from me in public but I should have known better, he's been pretty physical since the beginning. The whole day he's either holding my hand or has his arm around my waist. As we wait in line for the catacombs he stands behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist and when we stop to get ice cream he insists we share even though it ends with more ice cream getting on our faces than in our mouths.   

He's cute and horribly cliché and really it's everything I could have wished for and more. The sun is just beginning to set as we get on the elevator for the Eiffel tower and we're able to get to the highest level in time to watch it. As I'm leaning against the railing he disappears for a moment and reappears with two glasses of champagne, I don't really like to drink but I figure this time one time wouldn’t hurt. It's cold up here but we stand close together as we watch the sunset and sip our champagne. He kisses me gently as the sun disappears.  

"I think I might love you." I whisper against his lips. I didn't want those words to leave my brain but they have and I'm afraid of what's going to happen next. He moves back away from me a bit and his eyes search my face. He grasps the back of my neck and pulls me into another kiss.   

"I think I might be falling in love with you too." He whispers into my ear, "Please say this means you'll be my boyfriend."  

"How can I say no to you?" Everything feels right with Eddy. It's true that we haven't been together for long but I hope that we have a long time together from now on. Standing here with him now it's the first time since Brendon ended things with me that I can actually see myself having a future. Eddy makes me feel like I belong. His lips find mine once again as we stayed wrapped in each other’s arms. 


	35. A day to remember –November 2015-

=Los Angeles, California= 

-Brendon Urie, age 27- 

                Looking at myself in the mirror has always seemed kind of strange to me, sometimes I felt like the person looking back wasn’t me. I guess maybe there’s some weird psychological reason behind that and I should probably get it checked out but really who has the time or the money for that. I’ve been awake for a majority of the night, after a couple hours of restless sleep I pulled myself out of bed and decided to make sure I had all the planning for this date perfect. I want to prove to Spencer that I’m worth dating, that I will take care of him. So making sure every last detail goes right is my top priority.  

                Once I knew what we would be doing I moved onto planning my outfit. I’ve pulled everything out of my suitcase and tried every combination of clothing I could think of and although nothing really seemed perfect it wasn’t like I’d have much of a choice since the money I have left in my savings will barely last me the next couple weeks with the way I’ve been spending. Especially after this date today, but it’s worth it to see that smile on Spencer’s face. I finally settled on a pair of black shorts and a white tank top with a red plaid shirt. It takes a good amount of product but after my shower I manage to get my hair styled perfectly and since I haven’t really slept I use a bit of concealer to hide the bags under my eyes. It’s just going to be a casual date so for shoes I picked a pair of plain black converse that I’ve had for years.  

                There’s still hours before I have to pick Spencer up so I force myself to sit on the couch and relax. Pete pads down the stairs in a pair of boxers around four thirty and goes into the kitchen. I must be invisible because neither he nor Patrick, who follows a few seconds later, seems to notice my presence.  

                “Why aren’t you in bed?” Patrick’s voice is rough from sleep and a bit whiney. 

                “Aw, I’m sorry Patty cakes.” There’s a pause and what sounds like a kiss before Pete speaks again. “I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to wake you up.” 

                “Well… The bed got cold. You need to come back.”  

                “Let me grab a bottle of water.” 

                “Peettee” Definitely a whine that time. Pete laughs and I try to be as invisible as possible as they make their way back up the stairs. Now I know Peterick is totally real and I’ll never let them deny it again. I guess I must doze off there on the couch some point because I wake again to the smell of coffee and the soft clanking of dishes in the kitchen. I check my watch, worried that I’ve overslept and I’m relieved to find that it’s only seven thirty.  

                I pull myself off the couch and go into the kitchen to find Peter the second pouring some coffee into a large ‘world’s greatest dad’ mug. He smiles when he sees me in the doorway and raises his mug in greeting.  

                “Morning.” I manage to mumble as I make my way over to pour some coffee for myself. I haven’t seen Peter the second much since we got back from the tour, he works in the city so he leaves before anyone’s awake to make his commute and I’m usually at band practice or hanging out with someone until late when he’s already gone to sleep.  

                “Good morning Brendon, I hope you didn’t spend the whole night on that couch, its killer on your back trust me.” The older man chuckles as he adds way to much sugar to be healthy into his coffee, I guess that explains where Pete gets his bad habit. 

                “No just a few hours I think. I was kind of too nervous to sleep last night.” I admit. 

                “Big day?” 

                “First date.” 

                “Oh yeah? What’s his name?” I’m grateful that he remembers my preference. I guess with a kid like Pete it’s pretty hard to forget stuff like that though, especially now that I know Pete and Patrick are definitely a thing. 

                “Spencer. He’s great really. He’s so fucking adorable, oh shit, I mean shoot, pardon my language.” I smile at him sheepishly and Peter the second just laughs and pats my shoulder. 

                “Don’t worry about your language I gave up on that when Pete turned eight.”  

                “I can believe that.” I laugh with him.  

                “So where are you taking this guy?” 

                “Down to the pier. They’ve got a carnival going on and I figured that it would be a nice cliché first date thing.” I can’t help the smile on my face. 

                “That sounds like it will be fun, just don’t eat too much sugar.” He teases. I nod my head and watch him as he sips his coffee thoughtfully. “I know, why don’t I take the minivan today and you can borrow my car?” He suggests. 

                “Really? Are you sure?” 

                “Yeah of course, it’s no problem Brendon.” Peter the second hands me a set of keys and pats my shoulder gently before wandering out of the kitchen humming slightly. I seriously wish I really could be a Wentz. When I’ve finished my coffee and a bagel I quickly brush my teeth and fix my hair a bit before I hurry outside and hop in the car. There’s a few things I have to pick up before I can get Spencer. 

~ ~ ~ 

                I park in the driveway and get out of the car as quietly as I can, I had thought about getting Spencer flowers or something but I didn’t want to make him think I was treating him as a girl and really I’m always bringing him food so I figured I’d stick with that theme and I picked him up an edible arrangement thing instead. I set the arrangement down on his porch and ring the bell before hurrying away to hide beside the garage.  

                The door opens up and I can just faintly make out Spencer saying something to himself, when I peek around the corner my jaw almost drops because, god damn does he look good. I realize that I’m staring and close my mouth before speaking. 

                “I thought flowers might be a little too cliché.” I say. Spencer looks up and his eyes meet mine and it really takes everything I’ve got to not like swoon or something because his eyes are just the best thing I’ve ever seen. 

                “Thank you Brendon.” He says with a small laugh as he stands up straight, picking up the fruits. I step out from behind the garage and make my way over to him, taking the chance to look him over a couple more times. 

                “You look really hot.” I tell him. His face flushes bright red and he lifts up the fruits to hide behind it. 

                “This… This is my first date…” he says softly. I place my hands on his and make him lower the basket so I can see him. 

                “The first of many.” I didn’t think it was possible for him to blush more. 

                “I… I guess so… Do you want to come in? I’m going to put this in the fridge.”  

                “Sure.” Spencer smiles at me and then makes his way into the house, leaving the door open behind him. It’s a big difference then how we first started out. I think this might even be the first time he’s actually invited me inside.  

                Spencer makes his way to the kitchen and I nudge to door shut and head into the living room to wait for him. I’m sure he’s nervous about today and I don’t want to push him too much, it’d feel awful if we slipped back to where we were before. I drop down onto the couch and stretch out looking around his house. It’s clear that Spencer’s started to tidy things up.  

The coffee table in front of the couch is covered with different papers and on top of it is the phone that Spencer received in the mail, the phone that was given to him so he could communicate with Ryan. I can feel the temptation to call him and I can't resist picking up the phone. There's no password so I quickly swipe to unlock it. Its left open on a text conversation and in the box at the bottom he's typed out 'How can I' but nothing else. I hear some rattling from the kitchen and quickly put the phone back where I found it and glance at the papers beneath it, all with Spencer's handwriting. I see my name and George's name written a few times and have to make myself sit back on the couch and remind myself that it's an invasion of privacy and I have no right to read any of it. 

"I'm going to put some of the fruit in Tupperware." Spencer calls from the kitchen, "I'll only be a few more minutes." 

"Take your time Spence." I call back. Quickly I lean forward and pick up one of the papers and read over it. 

**How can I keep Brendon happy?**  

**What's** **Brendon's** **favorite food?**  

**Is Brendon always so** **persistent** **?**  

**Is it really okay for me to like him?**  

**Do you think I can make him happy?**  

I realize that these must be things that he was going to text to Ryan to ask him and I can't help but smile a bit, he wants this to work out as much as I do. I put the paper back as close to how I found it as I can and I notice another paper with a lot more written on it. It's addressed to George and once again my curiosity gets the better of me as I lean forward to read it. 

**Dear Georgie,**  

**I know you** **won’t** **ever get this, but maybe you can see it over my shoulder or from heaven. I know it wasn't Pete who was with you. I don't hate him anymore. I know it was Brendon you were with that night. I never got to tell you I loved you. I was going to the day after it happened. I got to hear your message. It made me so happy to hear your voice after so long. I hated him. He told me it was him and I hated looking at him. But he was** **persistent** **. Slowly, that hatred started to turn into love. I have a date with him today. My heart still hurts thinking about what happened with you. It hurts to think I'm with that person. But he cares about me. Not just from guilt either. I hope its okay Georgie. I hope you don't hate me now. I still love you. But** **I** **think I love him too, or at least I'm starting to. See you in the future Georgie. Let's play instruments together in heaven then.**  

Spencer, he's starting to love me. I get up from the couch and go to the kitchen. 

"Spencer." I say his name as I step through the doorway and I can't help but laugh. He's standing beside the fruit and instead of putting it in the Tupperware he's eating a piece of watermelon. His cheeks flush red when he realizes that I've caught him. I make my way across the tiled floor and press a kiss to his forehead, he's really too adorable. 

"Sorry I just wanted to taste a little bit." He finishes the last bite and looks up at me through his lashes. Something tells me there's actually more fruit in his stomach than there is in the Tupperware. 

"You don't have to apologize for anything." I tell him as I wrap my arms around his waist and hold him close.  

"Did you want to tell me something?" He asks as he relaxes in my arms and leans against me. 

"Nope." I press another kiss to his head and smile. 

"Okay. I'll finish putting this away then we can head out."  

"Alright." I let go of him and watch as he puts the fruit up. He bends to put them on the bottom shelf of the fridge and I can't help but stare, he catches me though and his cheeks flush red once again. "You're really handsome." I tell him. 

"Th... Thank you." He stutters. 

"You ready?" He thinks for a moment then makes his way to the living room and turns the TV off. 

"Okay Now I'm ready." He calls. I go to the front door and hold it open for him as he grabs his keys and steps out. While he's locking up I head out to the car and unlock it, opening the passenger door for him. He gets in and thanks me.  

"Nice shorts by the way." I can't help but tease him after he'd been so adamant about not wearing them. He blushes and stares intently out the window. 

"I just happened to find them..." He mumbles. I smile and reach over patting his knee gently which makes him blush even more. 

"You're so cute." I tell him. He puffs his cheeks out and looks at me with a pout on his face. "Okay not cute.... how about sexy then?" I ask. He smiles at that. I reach over with my free hand and intertwine our fingers, keeping my eyes on the road. "You have to close your eyes now." I tell him when he gets close. He looks at me suspiciously for a moment before he agrees and closes his eyes.  

"No peeking." I warn as I take the next exit off the highway. 

"Okay okay." 

"I'll be mad if you ruin the surprise." 

"I won't" He pouts. I give his hand a squeeze before I let go to pull into the parking lot and find a spot that's not too far from the entrance. I get out of the car and go around to open his door for him. He tries to unbuckle his seatbelt but he appears to have trouble finding it so I reach over and press the button for him then take his hands and help him out of the car. 

"Thank you." He says keeping his eyes closed. 

"Don't worry I've got you." I put my arm around his waist and keep him close as we walk a bit closer to the entrance. When we're right in front of it I press a kiss to his cheek and tell him that he can open his eyes. I keep my fingers crossed that he'll actually like it, I know that he was nervous around people before but I'm really hoping that everything is okay this time. 

Spencer opens his eyes and takes in the scene in front of us. We're out by the beach, on the boardwalk a carnival is being held with tones of rides and games and greasy food. I watch Spencer's face closely as he starts to smile and his eyes light up. 

"Do you like it?" I ask him, 'I figured that since it's a weekday there wouldn't be too many people here right now." 

"What should we do first?" He asks excitedly. 

"Whatever you want." I take out the tickets that I'd purchased online last night and lead him through the entrance. Spencer holds my hand and pulls me over to a map they have on display so we can see everything they have to offer.  

We spend the day there at the carnival, running from ride to ride and attempting to play the games. I promised him that I'd win him a cool prize to take home but I'm not doing very well so far. We ride all of the rides they have to offer at least three times and after a few tries I manage to win him a small stuffed tiger. I'd been hoping to get him something better but he seems to love it.  

As the end of the day comes and the sun starts to set in the distance Spencer and I stand in line for the Ferris wheel, out of breath after having raced over to it. I wrap my arms around his waist as we wait and hook my chin over his shoulder.  

"Tired already?" He teases me. 

"No way. I've got lots of stamina." I wiggle my eyebrows a bit and Spencer leans back against my chest with a laugh. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Totally." I grin at him. 

"Mhmm sure." He smiles back. I press my lips lightly against his neck and his whole face flushes red. Our turn comes to get on the ride so I let go of him and step towards the ride, he stays in the same spot though staring at me with wide eyes. 

"Come on Spence." I tell him holding out my hand. He still seems to be a bit out of it but he takes my hand and allows me to help him into the carriage. The door is closed behind us and we both sit down on the same side our fingers still intertwined. 

"Was that too much?" I ask him as we start to move. 

"What?" He blinks a few times and looks at me. 

"That kiss." 

"It's okay. I'm okay." He blushes. I'm really happy; he's really growing more comfortable around me. I wrap my arm around his shoulders and keep him close to me as the wheel slowly makes its way around. As we reach the top the sun hits the water, it looks like everything is on fire but somehow it's still beautiful. 

"Hey Spencer." I turn away from the sight in front of me to look at the beautiful man beside me. He looks at me with a smile on his face that melts my heart. Everything about him is so captivating. I close the distance between us and press my lips to his. "Be my boyfriend?" I ask him. He nods his head quickly then brings his hand up to cup the back of my neck and pulls me close for another kiss. Everything about this moment is perfect. Being here with him I feel like the happiest man on earth.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n Oh geez, guys this is like basically the end. All that's left now is the epilogue to wrap things up. Thank you all so so so so so so so much for all the support you've given me. I love all of you and your comments always make my day. I hope you've enjoyed this story as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Special thanks to Dezzywezzy19 For helping me with these last few chapters.


	36. Epilogue: And in the end I'd do it all again. -August 2074-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweet jesus it's actually over. I don't know whether to cry or cheer.

Ryan isn't sure of where he is exactly. Everything around his is white but it’s not the same sterile white as the hospital, somehow it calms him and really that’s the weirdest thing of all because he hasn't been calm in a really long time, not since Eddy was admitted. He decides that it must be a dream that he's having, especially when the mirror appears in front of him, because when he looks into that mirror he doesn't see his grey hair or the wrinkles on his face. He see's curly brown hair and honey brown eyes filled with a youthful innocence. He sees himself as a child.  

"Hi Ryan." The image in the mirror is speaking and it's only then that Ryan realizes it's not a mirror, it's a doorway and there really is a boy version of himself standing before him.  

"H... Um Hello." He says nervously as he looks the boy over, he can see now that its him but there's something that seems just a tad bit off, but he can't quite put his finger on it. 

"I'm sorry you must be confused by this. I'm George, you've heard about me right." And Ryan remembers, he remembers years ago when he was still in school as he lay in bed and spoke on the phone with his first love, with Brendon.  

"Yes... Yes I remember.... You were, with Brendon and there was an accident right?"  

"Yeah, that was me. So um that’s why I still look like this, like a kid." 

"But you were... You died. I'm sorry but, how am I seeing you right now? How are we talking?" Ryan questions because he's starting to get an idea of where he is and he really, really doesn’t like it. George's silence is all the answer he needs and Ryan can feel the panic building up inside of him. 

"No, no, no, no that’s not... It's not possible okay. It's not. I can't be... I can't be d..." Ryan can't get the words out, he thinks that he should be gasping for air right now, he can't breathe. 

"You don't need to breathe here..." George explains softly as he steps forward and places a hand on Ryan's back trying to comfort him but really the strangeness of it all just makes things worse. Ryan hasn't felt this way since he was young and he feels foolish for it, he's eighty fucking seven years old and still having panic attacks, hell he's dead and still having panic attacks! "Okay um... I don't know how to like help you or anything but um... if you can like calm down I can... I can tell you why I stopped you here." 

"Please George there's got to be something, some way; I need to get back to earth. I can't be dead right now. My husband, my Eddy He needs me and our kids, fuck our kids can't deal with losing both of us. Our grandkids, I didn't get to say goodbye to them."  

"Look I'm... I'm sorry Ryan but there is no way back. I... I really did try that myself when it happened. These angels, they helped me to get back but I was just a ghost, no one could see me or hear me. It was a lot worse than not getting a goodbye. Trust me okay." Ryan knows that this kid is right; he knows that there's nothing left for him to do, he's passed on and really he doesn't think he could go back and handle a life without Eddy beside him. Eddy has been his rock for a very long time, he held Ryan together when it felt like he was falling apart. "You'll be with him again really soon I promise. But there was one more thing that I wanted to help you with before you completely passed on."  

"What do you mean?" Ryan's surprised by the calmness in his own voice, the hint of panic is receding now that George has mentioned him being reunited with Eddy soon. 

"I... You helped me out a lot over the years, whether you knew it or not. I... I need your help once again, well not me actually but... But there's someone that needs you. You can help him and then everything will be right again." The look on George's face is filled with a childlike hope and he can tell that despite all the years that have passed George is the same boy he was on the last day he was alive.  

The bright white of the world around them starts to fade and Ryan is scared, he doesn't know what's going to happen and a part of him is terrified at all the religious nuts were right and he's going to end up in hell for being with another man. He squeezes his eyes shut and he doesn't open them until he can once again feel the solid ground beneath his feet. When he does open them he finds himself in a park, the trees around him are in full bloom and the air is filled with the distinct smell of spring and the sound of water flowing. Ryan knows where he is before he even turns around, before he sees the fountain that he's standing before.  

Ryan turns to face the fountain and he's not surprised to find Brendon sitting on the edge of it, his eyes trained on the ground. What bothers him though is Brendon's age. The man in front of him appears to be in his late forties at least, Ryan thinks he feels his heart stop when he realizes that Brendon appears to be the age that he died at. 

"Brendon." Ryan's voice shakes as the name he hasn't uttered in years leaves his lips. The other man's head snaps up and he looks at Ryan with confusion. 

"Who are you?" 

"I'm... God I look old don't I?" Ryan chuckles to himself as he takes a seat beside his ex-boyfriend, something he never thought would actually happen. "It's me, Ryan." Brendon's eyes widen and he searches Ryan's face closely before recognition fills his eyes and then he's throwing his arms around Ryan's shoulder and clinging to him tightly. Ryan is shocked; all he can do is return the hug as Brendon sobs against his shirt. "Brendon... Brendon what’s wrong?" 

"I... I'm sorry Ry," The old nickname rolls off his tongue easily and he tries not to think about how the years have changed them both, he tried to pretend that they’re both young again and they've driven across the country to meet for the first time. Ryan smooths his hair back and whispers calming words until Brendon has the strength to pull away and look him in the eyes once again.  

"It's been so long." He mumbles.  

"Almost sixty years since we last spoke." Ryan confirms. Brendon stays close to him; he rests his head on Ryan's shoulder and intertwines their fingers. Ryan feels a little guilty about it, Brendon isn't Eddy after all, but he can tell that Brendon needs the closeness right now. If he's completely honest with himself he's craving it as well. Everything going on is a whirlwind and Brendon is familiar and something to focus on besides his sudden death and the fact that his children are probably a wreck right now.  

"I... I have missed you. Even though I found someone new and even though I moved on with my life. You had been a big part of it for so long that I could never forget you." Brendon admits and Ryan finds himself smiling and leaning his head to the side to rest on the other mans. 

"I understand Brenny. It's been a very long road. We have a lot to catch up on. Do you think we'll have time?"  

"Yeah... I don't think time exists here. I was... I've only been here for a few minutes and then you appeared but... I know you were older than me but definitely not that much. So it must have been years." 

"Hey now, there's no need to keep bringing my age into this. You'd think we’d get into heaven and be like young and hot again." Ryan huffs. 

"Well maybe this isn't heaven yet. Maybe this is like limbo or something."  

"You think?" 

"Maybe." 

"I think you're right." Brendon sighs. 

"I... This must not be... Eddy, I lost him first. I think that if this was heaven he'd be here too."  

"You lost... Oh Ryan I'm so sorry."  

"I'll be with him again soon. He's such a... god he was like an angel on earth." 

"Tell me about him." 

"We should catch up. But I want you to go first. I want to know why... why you're so young." Ryan puts his arm around Brendon's shoulders and holds him close.  

"Well I'm... I met Spencer; I think that I should have been more jealous of him while you and I were still together. Not only is he a total babe but he's got those bright blue eyes that I could just get lost in for days. But I guess you knew that much already. He and I started dating, we had a lot of problems to work out at first but things got better every day. He got back to work and my band was really going places. Oh my god the band! 

Do you remember how I and you used to talk about starting a band? Panic! At the disco you wanted to call it." 

"Yeah I remember." 

"Well I did it Ry. I started Panic! With my old roommate Jon and this guy Dallon. We had this young drummer named Dan at first but he had classes and life and stuff so eventually he left us and uh, well I got Spencer to start drumming again. We hated being apart while I was touring so it just made sense that he joined us. Your songs Ry, the whole world loved your songs. We wrote our own songs too of course but it was just so amazing. Being on that stage and singing and having our songs sung back to us. God I wish you could have been there." Brendon's smile is beaming as he thinks back on his life, thinks back to being on that stage and turning around to find Spencer smiling back at him. "I wrote a whole song about Spencer's smile." 

"That's amazing Bren. They really liked my songs?" 

"They loved them Ry. Pete was a big help, his band fall out boy was huge and he got us signed and he had us open for them. We'd never even played a real show before and all of a sudden we were opening at these packed venues. A few shows later people were singing back at us and our record was selling like crazy. It was a dream come true all of it.  

The craziest thing of all was... well it was giving it up. Not completely of course, but Spencer and I saved up a good deal of money and we got money any time our stuff was used. We took a break from everything, we got married and we used a surrogate to have a daughter. Alise, god she's an angel just like her papa. We waited until she was a little older then we started taking her on tour with us. We hired a nanny to help out, this great girl named Linda. My life was so perfect."  

"Bren... I'm sure you don't want to talk about it but, you're so young. I mean to be... to be here." 

"I... yeah um... I was kind of hoping we could avoid that whole talk." 

"We're friends Brendon. I'm here for you." 

"It was... It was just a couple weeks after Alise's high school graduation. I'd been feeling sick for a couple days so Spencer dragged me to the doctor and they ran some tests... I um... they found some cancer." 

"Oh Brendon." Ryan hugs the younger man tighter and presses a kiss to his head. 

"Spencer took it really badly, I thought... I was afraid that he'd go back to his old habits if he lost me. We talked about it a lot. He was having trouble with it I know, he said he was fine but... I'm just worried." 

"They couldn't... they couldn't do anything for you?"  

"No um... We tried first surgery but then it came back so we tried Chemo and it just... it just made me feel sicker than I already was. I lasted, three years after that." Brendon's smile is gone now, replaced with a look of longing as he gazes down at the worn bricks surrounding the fountain. "Alise, she was going to graduate college. She was engaged to this boy she'd been dating since high school. I never got to walk my little girl down the aisle, I never got... grandchildren." Ryan rubs Brendon's back gently as he starts to cry. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to know you were going to lose everything, to know there was nothing you could do but count down the days till your life ended.  

The two sit wrapped in each other’s arms, the air is filled with a light mist from the fountain and the distant sound of birds singing in the trees that surround them. Ryan decides that he doesn't hate this place as much as he used to. After all it was never the park that did anything wrong. It takes some time but Brendon finally calms down enough to sit up a bit. He stays leaned against Ryan's shoulder but his grip has loosened considerably. "Tell me about your life." He whispers, his voice raw from crying. 

"It wasn't as grand as yours to be honest. But it was perfect for me. Eddy asked me to be his boyfriend while we were on a business trip in Paris. God he's so cheesy, it was on the Eiffel tower after we spent this amazing day together. I mean... it was kind of pointless of him to ask because we were already pretty much dating at that point. Things moved quickly between us, he's... well he's the you of my universe. There are a lot of differences of course. He keeps his hair long and he's got horrible eyesight." 

"Hey at least I never lost that over the years." 

"Shh don't interrupt." Ryan scolds, "He lost his girlfriend before I met him, and he had a son who was just four when we met. Pierce was just an adorable kid; he's so good and smart. I was a little nervous at first about being around him but I grew attached to him. I love him like he's my own. Everything with Eddy and I was a little rushed in the beginning. I think we'd both been so lonely for so long that we were both craving as much attention as we could get. At least that’s what I thought at first but we were always kind of like that, even after we'd been together for years. If we were ever apart we'd text the whole time and when we were together we couldn't keep our hands off each other." Ryan smiles fondly at the memory.  

"I'm glad that you had someone to take care of you like that. I... I used to think that it was going to be me but I knew I had to break up with you or you'd never really be happy." 

"Thank you Brendon. I know that it wasn't easy on you," 

"You're damn right it wasn't easy. You were my first love; I didn't think I could ever love anyone as much as I loved you." 

"Until you fell in love with Spencer." 

"Yeah until I fell in love with Spencer. Sorry, I won't interrupt anymore." 

"It's alright. Let's see where was I... oh right. So we dated for about nine months, closer to ten really and it was kind of funny because we both must have had the same idea, I'd been living with him for four months and we spent like three weeks trying to propose to each other. We both wanted to be the one to do it you know, in the end Pierce got tired of it and just told us to shut up and get married already. So we did. We didn't have to big of a wedding, Eddy's parents came and Spenser and Jon. Mr. Owens Eddy's boss married us.  

It wasn't always perfect of course, Eddy and I fought about things from time to time but we always made up before the end of the day. I never wanted to be like my parents so I always made sure we weren't fighting anymore when we went to bed." Ryan grins a bit, "Of course the makeup sex was always great." Brendon pinches the older man’s arm and shoots him a look that just makes Ryan snicker. "Anyway, so we were married for a while and when Pierce was nine he came to us and told us that he wanted a baby brother. So we got him one. We adopted this precious little baby boy and named him Jordan. He and Pierce were perfect friends. Pierce was really protective of him and the two never really fought.  

They grew up to be such smart boys too. Before Pierce left for college he came out to me and Eddy, we'd had some suspicions but we were really happy for him. He came back home for Thanksgiving with a boyfriend actually, this really cute blonde haired boy named Bronx. They got married right after they graduated. We didn't even know until it came time for the wedding planning but Bronx's father was the bassist from fall out boy, you knew him in your universe right?" 

"Yeah Pete Wentz right? Who was he married too?" 

"Well Bronx's mother was another celebrity, Ashlee Simpson. But at the time of the wedding he was married to this model Meagan Camper."  

"Aw man so Peterick isn't a thing in your universe?" 

"What the heck is Peterick?" 

"It's Pete and Patrick's ship name." 

"I don't even... you are so weird." 

"But you love me for it." 

"Shut up you're interrupting again." 

"Am not you asked me a question."  

"Anyway." Ryan says, Brendon just rolls his eyes and settles down to listen. "So Pierce and Bronx got married and Jordan started singing while he was in high school. He's really popular too. He actually married Spenser and Jon's daughter Marie. Pierce and Bronx moved to New York to raise their daughters, and because of his career Jordan and Marie live in Los Angeles. They have a son." 

"Damn, sounds like you did well for yourself." Brendon smiles. "You use to tell me how much you wanted a family and now you have that huh" 

"Yeah, it's something I never expected to have honestly. Now the kids fly home almost every holiday and we fly to see them on the grandkids birthdays. Eddy gave me everything I could have ever wished for and then some." 

"But now you're here..." 

"Yeah um... last, last winter was a hard one. Eddy got sick and he just, he wasn't getting better. He had to be admitted to the hospital. They did everything to make him comfortable but it just wasn't enough," Ryan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, even now, even after his own death the image of Eddy laying on the hospital bed as the light faded from his eyes is permanently ingrained in his mind. "I remember the funeral, the boys were both with me and Pierce spoke because I couldn't. Jordan sang all his father's favorite songs. I just... I remember going home and getting ready for bed. That's it; I don't remember anything after that." 

"What do you think happened?" Brendon asks softly. 

"Honestly... Honestly I don't think my heart could handle being alone." Ryan sighs and finds himself reaching up to wipe the tears from his own eyes. 

"I shouldn't keep you here any longer Ryan." 

"But you're all alone here..." 

"George will keep me company. I'm sure it'll feel like no time has passed before Spencer is here with me. I mean I wish it wasn't true but I know that it’s going to happen one day. I'm proud of him though, looking at you I know that he made it. I know that he must have held together at least this long. He's down there with Alise." 

"Are you sure you'll alright here Brendon?" 

"Yeah, go on. I'm sure that Eddy is waiting for you." Brendon smiles at him. Ryan gets to his feet and looks down at his old friend with a soft smile on his face.  

"Thank you Brendon. I never would have made it without you." He leans down and presses a soft kiss to the other man's lips then turns and starts to walk away. He isn't sure where he's going exactly but somehow he already knows the way. The park begins to fade around him and in the distance he can see a familiar figure waiting with his arm outstretched. The years seem to fall away and Ryan can feel himself grow younger once again as the color of his clothing changes to a stark white. Eddy's arms wrap around him and hold him close as their lips meet. Ryan smiles knowing that he's finally home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cry, definitely cry.


End file.
